I Was Unofficially Accused Of Rape And It Was Terrifying

It’s the scariest encounters – or specifically the aftermath – that can shake you to the core and either reaffirm what you already thought or completely change it.

Rape. Yes, that word. The buzzword thrown around a lot by people online when we try to examine human sexuality. Well, what does it look like in a real life situation? You know, outside of the twitter and blogsphere vacuum?

Well, here’s a bit of background on me: I’m a former nice-guy and striving quasi-asshole which has worked some wonders for me, but there are always consequences to being an asshole – including the end of a relationship.

Allow me to share.

It starts on a late Saturday night at this couples apartment. We were all drinking. This girl – we will call her Liz – had a boyfriend we will call Tommy, who kept bragging to me that he would let me sleep with her.

At first I thought it was a joke, but he kept talking about it and how he would let me use their bed to do it. Well, I was horny and went to sleep on the couch outside the bedroom as did Tommy on the other couch.

                                                                        **The Act**

I woke up about 9 am on the couch and started thinking about his words. He was asleep on the couch and I decided I would jump into the bed she was sleeping in and see if she would initiate anything.

Liz immediately started to cuddle with me. Then we both started to makeout and to grope. Her hand goes toward my dick and I start to move forward.

All of a sudden she says, “No.”

That word. No.

So I stop.

Despite my fervent resistance to most feminist thought on how sex should happen, I had no intention to get hit with a rape charge. I suspect that she wants me to continue – you know like people do when they are in the moment having passionate sex – but I wasn’t taking any risks.

We continue to kiss, fondle, and grope. She then once again grabs my dick and moves toward me. I try to initiate again, she says no, and I stop. This cycle repeats at least several times, and each time she re-initates.

Finally, she moves my dick toward her and I say, “Guide me in”. She does. It’s over rather quickly, and all of a sudden she is filled with regret over the cheating. I’m still having conflicting thoughts over what Tommy had said earlier – but I know deep-down he was probably joking, but very consistently and convincingly.

                                                             **The Scary Aftermath**

The sex we had was unprotected – obviously a mistake – and I didn’t pull out fast enough, so I immediately go to Walgreens to pick up Plan-B just incase. She sends me several texts while I’m there, one of them including “I should have stopped you.”

Odd, considering she did several times, I stopped, and then she re-initiated.

Well, she decides to tell her boyfriend, though just about 10 minutes before she insisted that we shouldn’t. Understandably he is furious and in a rage.

I came back to deliver the Plan B, though I wasn’t sure I wanted to enter back into the apartment, considering what had happened and I suspected I would probably be insulted. I took the risk anyway and came in and we all sat down and started to talk about what had happened. (She had made him promise he wouldn’t hurt me, hence why we sat down.) Yes, we sat down. Always face your crises head on. Note this guy is almost completely blind, so I wasn’t worried about getting pummeled and/or killed.

I leave about two hours later and about a week later she calls me and insists I come by again. She did however drop a bombshell on me on the phone in which she insisted the sex was NOT consensual and that it was rape.

At that moment, I can recall being terrified and sick to my stomach. It was physically effecting how my body felt. I had texts that proved otherwise, but I’m no stranger to the online stories and details of what happens to men accused of rape.

I went to a nearby police station – as I was at my friends house at the time – and asked for advice on the matter and they didn’t really helped me, although a female cop suggested that I take out a restraining order on her regarding phone contact as a kind of “pre-action.”

When I came by and we all started to talk about this again, I made sure to record all of it on my phone. She mentioned that she didn’t want to get the police involved because of the mess involved, but she continued to hint at it. She also had told her boyfriend I had raped her and that she wasn’t sober.

The conversation revealed that she had been convinced by some sort of counselor at the place where she worked that the sex was not consensual. Perhaps, this was because of the story she told the counselor about it being “rape” which is apparently what she told Tommy who yet again was understandably outraged. This counselor had also suggested she go to the police.

When I challenged some of what she had said and told my side of the story to Tommy who was sitting at the table with her, she started to recant details and then said she didn’t quite remember, things were fuzzy, and that maybe were just “in the moment.”

I know she felt bad about what happened and she was an emotional wreck for weeks after, but part of the way she had coped with it had been to deliberately distort details of what had happened which could have permanently destroyed my life.

                                                                  **Reflection**

Lesson: Even if someone doesn’t use the feminist dogma on what is “rape”, they can be convinced otherwise by someone who throws the term around like someone on Call Of Duty would.

Lesson: Don’t have sex in any kind of situation that might involve this and stay away from people involved in relationships – even more so if they are married. Don’t be this kind of asshole.

One thing we must consider is that none of this shit is clearcut – specifically sexual encounters.

All this “yes means yes” nonsense doesn’t actually occur for people who are have sex and the “complications” of obvious non-verbal consent. It’s almost as if our effort to reduce sex down to a purely physical matter through a scientific lens doesn’t account for the “human” side of sex.

To this day, I’m still very worried about how I’m supposed to balance being aggressive – specifically in getting to the “sex” without wondering if I’m supposed to initiate, go in for the kiss, start the groping, ect. We are supposed to take initiative and back off if we are stopped – which any fully functional and aware women can do.

Now, I swore I would never have sex with her again and I was sure I was going to cut off contact with her. I haven’t and have hooked up with her twice since then. Note that she and Tommy broke up over this whole mess and some other factors as well. I am actually still in contact with her, though she doesn’t realize how angry I am over the fact that she accused me of rape to two other people.

I know I’m playing with fire, considering that she accused me of rape. I’m lucky that this wasn’t the case and that she didn’t go to the police, because the “Listen and believe” nonsense directly puts me in the crosshairs, despite the fact no rape occurred.

For future encounters, I am strongly considering audio recording everything and making sure I have texts to confirm the consensuality.

If I’m honest, this has jaded me and caused me to be weary of some women. Obviously, not all women are feminists – or at least the radfem types, but the current conversation on the concept of “rape” means that you never really know what might happen later.

It does make me even more bitter toward feminists for creating this kind of confusion and uncertainty between men and women. Then these feminists wonder why men are afraid to approach women, to go in for the kiss, ect considering the environment they have created.

Since, then I’ve had sex where nothing like this situation has been involved, but I’m always worried in the back of my mind – even when its been repeated friends-with-benefits encounters.

Remember, be skeptical of the accusations you hear and be careful of the situations you put yourself in. Stay away from drunk girls and if you do have sex them with them and they are FUNCTIONAL and aware and can consent at that time, record everything. Get texts from before and after to make sure you have evidence.

It sucks that things are to this point, but we have to adjust to reality. I won’t let this scar my approach or attitude toward women necessarily – as I love women – but I will however make sure that my guard is always up.

This was originally posted by me on this site: http://aopinionatedman.com/2015/04/04/guest-post-i-was-unofficially-accused-of-rape-and-it-was-terrifying/

EDIT: Wtf was I thinking? I wasn't thinking. I was horny and didn't give a second thought to future consequences.