I [28F] never wanted to be married and it took a long time for me to face that the real reason was because I didn't think I was good enough and so never tried. But then an old friend and ex who newly had his shit together started pursuing me again and I was still secretly in love with him so I got with him. He said he wanted to marry me, support the family and my child from a previous relationship.

He had a good job at the time so I believed him and went with it. He got me pregnant and something changed in him within days of me giving birth and long story short now im a single never married mother of a toddler and a baby with 2 different dads. I did a lot of reflecting to get in a state of mind where I was accepting of myself enough to want to be married.

But now that I'm single again it just feels like all the reasons everyone ever told me why im not good enough for marriage must be true. My RMV is already in the tubes bc I have 2 young kids from 2 different dads and my N count is high. But even before that my RMV was already shit due to having autism, cptsd, schizotypal personality disorder, no homemaking skills, divorced parents and no healthy relationship role models, devoting my whole school years ignoring my deepest longing to be a SAHM and instead pursuing a STEM career bc I felt like i had no other option and wasn't good enough to have kids and be a sahm with a husband. My saving grace is im very athletic and my SMV remains very high for my age group.

Nonetheless, after having that carrot dangled in front of me and coming to terms with that I do want marriage and always did, well, those ancient feelings didn't just go away because I failed. And if there is any possible sliver of a chance my kids can have a father figure who is a real man, and any possible sliver of a chance I can have more children within the safety of a marriage, I want to try.

Women tell me, rp and non-rp alike, that I am still good enough to have a husband who is a captain, as yall say. That blended families are increasingly common. I believe them bc my midwife met her husband after she already had 2 kids and had lots of mental problems, and now she is like one of the most wonderful women I've ever known and has a great relationship with her husband, who she had 2 more kids with.

But wow the amount of things I need to surmount. I count my blessings that my athletic outdoor hobby has kept my SMV high. Attracting men isn't hard. But I know I'm gonna have to do a lot of work for my my RMV to be high enough for a man to actually want me for longer than it takes to stand back up after giving birth. And go out of his way to pay for my life so I can raise my kids and God permitting have some of his as well and stay home with them.

I'm doing what I can to work on myself.. after learning about what "nun mode" is really about from a helpful rpw member, im trying my hardest to stick with it despite my impulsive and lustful nature. I started therapy and am starting DBT and next it will be EMDR. Im working on homemaking. Trying to create order in my life. Making my outdoor "hobby" more and more of a way of life and learning how to take my kids out there with me. Working on being more present for my children. Working on looking for red flags in people so that by the grace of God maybe they won't grow up with CPTSD and instead reap the benefits of a loving 2 parent household.

I know I've got a little bit of youth and a lot of smv on my side. But it feels like in every other way I'm fighting against the grain of my entire life and I dont know if I can do it. I dont know if im really valuable enough just for who I am that even if I complete the DBT and EDMR and stay in nun mode and really succeed in turning my life and bad habits around, im scared that what if I'm just damaged goods and it will all be wasted effort, what if my past really is too much and im too damaged for such a beautiful future. And what if I've birthed children doomed to a future not unlike my own as a result.

I dont know what im asking for here. I want hope. I want to believe not all is lost. I want a marriage for my children's sake more than I want it for myself. I dont fantasize about great romance or passion. I want sex but sex is enough to satisfy me emotionally. What I want is a safe home for my children, a man who truly cares to provide that home so I can raise those children myself, the freedom to have more children God willing, and to be allowed to be feminine and nurturing for my family in a reasonably safe environment, not punished for being feminine and nurturing to the children and husband. Everything else is just details. If I could have my ideal life thats what it would be.

But how. How to be good enough for that despite my numerous flaws and gross past. I dont know what more I can do. But I dont know how I could ever do enough. Improve enough.. to be that wife. Advice welcomed..

Eta: I have an income source that allows me to be a sahm and likely will continue to, but in my ideal life I dont want to put full time hours into income and dont want to leave the home to do it and honestly don't want my income to be the thing between us and homelessness. Like I'm not opposed to having income, but in a perfect world my income would come second to raising the kids. Like if one of the kids was having a serious problem, taking a few weeks off for them wouldn't drown us financially. Thats I think my most realistic highest ideal. But I know its still just an ideal and the future will look different probably bc it always does.