How to handle female friend who has been really irritating me the last couple of months?

thisisme201 · 2020-03-08T17:15:53+00:00

Just reading this gave me anxiety. She’s not someone I’d want to be around. Why is she making jokes about your age? She does know she’s going to be there soon right?

Draculas_Wife · 2020-03-08T18:30:05+00:00

In hindsight, I recognize this competition as a common dynamic between mid-twenties single women. I once had a friend who was so upset when I started a relationship, because her "last single friend" was attached, that it created a huge rift that eventually contributed to the end of the friendship. She was just so competitive that she couldn't be happy for me, because the relationship she began when I met my husband, was an on-again, off-again affair with a man who didn't want to commit because she had a kid. In time, we developed a very abrasive relationship pattern and it just wasn't a good friendship.

It sounds like this friend of yours is experiencing the same kind of competition. She mocks your age to make herself feel better about hers, going so far as to include you in her inevitable cat lady backup plans. She criticizes your biblical, traditional viewpoint to defend the way she resents men. This is all very normal of the single women her age, that I know.

As for what to do, you can't exactly ghost her since she's across the hall and I wouldn't even recommend it, because you seem to value other aspects of the friendship a great deal. What you can do is be direct with her, without being cruel. "I really don't like when you joke about my age or being a cat lady. It's a sore spot for me and I know you're kidding, but please stop." The level of abrasiveness among this age group is so commonly high, she likely thinks you're just as into the joke as she is so it's fair to give respectful dissent. Don't laugh when she makes those jokes, if she continues to do so. "I dont find that funny. Please stop teasing me about it." Additionally, make sure you aren't contributing to this pattern, with your own abrasive jokes, about how she talks to men or what-not.

It sounds like this friendship is worth saving and you really should give it a try, particularly since she lives next door.

ragnarockette · 2020-03-08T20:08:56+00:00

She sounds insecure, but not poorly intentioned. If she’s a good person and a good friend otherwise, why not try being honest with her? “Hey friend, comments like that really bring me down and give me anxiety, even though I know they’re in jest. I want to stay positive. Let’s try being optimistic and cheerful, instead of negative and sarcastic.”

Rispy_Girl · 2020-03-08T17:36:47+00:00

Can you maybe set a boundary and limit your time with her?

Also you don't have to be single to be a cat lady 😊

frankota · 2020-03-08T19:42:28+00:00

There are a lot of really useful conflict resolution worksheets available online. I recommend filling one or two out and using that to guide a solution-orientated discussion with her about how her behavior affects you.

Example:

Friend, when you make comments about my age, it actually makes me feel belittled more than you can imagine. I really value your friendship, so I wanted to bring it up and let you know how much it hurts my feelings, in the hopes that you will make an effort to respect my boundaries. If you continue to do this, I can no longer spend time with you as a friend, because it’s too hurtful to me.

momentsofnicole · 2020-03-08T20:42:15+00:00

Anyone who is really "blunt" with me and "that's just who they are," are people I have no problem being blunt with in return. I would just say, "I find some of your comments really offputting and I realize you say that being blunt is who you are, so I'm going to be blunt in response. Your comments are hurtful and rude. They go beyond "just being honest." I would love to be friends and there's a lot about you that I like, but I'm not going to hang around you when you make jokes about my age, when we go out to date, you're offputting to all the men there, etc." I also have a sort of straight shooter, honest personality but I also have good boundaries and I can take (and prefer it) from others (especially because I think people who beat around the bush or aren't upfront can sometimes be boundary invaders). Either way you're going to have to say something. You can't avoid her because she has the type of personality to lean in harder. If she decides to sulk or be mad about it or passive aggressive, that's HER problem. Yes, it's a little uncomfortable being neighbors and as women we have a tendency to take on other people's poor boundaries and avoid setting our own because we hate discomfort, but it's probably the best thing you can do for her.

curious_girl_5 · 2020-03-09T02:30:43+00:00

This situation would give me high anxiety...

she told one man she went on a date with in jest that she "hates all men", almost proudly telling me that afterwards and how the guy's look was just total shock and disbelief.

Ah, so I'm guessing she is a part of that whole "supremacist movement" among jaded women that hate men? Yeah, I would be avoiding this woman for how she talks and approaches situations. You need to surround yourself with high-quality people - not her.

thenewgoddess · 2020-03-09T02:40:45+00:00

Hurt people, hurt people. That’s the reality. You’ll have to set some boundaries on things you don’t like, and keep enforcing them if you don’t want to throw the baby with the bath water.

You can also ask her why she makes these comments, and feels the need to belittle people. Often people like that are trying to deflect attention from their own feelings of unworthiness. But it’s not your job to rescue them. As a friend you can however help them traverse a path of discovery. causes of rudeness

In the event she continues to violate those boundaries, then you should look at minimising contact.

I’ve shared this link for you to read. Good luck!

Greenveins · 2020-03-08T17:25:24+00:00

I’m a bit of a ghost. Once I had it up to here with someone I start to distance myself and start creating excuses not to hang. Work, car, family, etc. and honestly, if you don’t feel like opening the door then you don’t have to. You don’t owe her much of a explanation other that “I don’t feel like hanging” today.

She’s not going to stop with the comments

Whisper · 2020-03-09T04:04:07+00:00

Friend not friendly. Replace friend.

LateralThinker13 · 2020-03-09T15:31:24+00:00

She was really defensive about the women submitting part... I'm so confused! She grew up in a Christian family.

Sounds very blue pill. This is not a healthy person to have in your life. My recommendation would be to go to church, make better friends.

Failing that, create and enforce boundaries. "I'm not comfortable with your constant jokes about your age. They're aren't acceptable. Please refrain or I will end the relationship. Yes, it's that serious to me." Then when she slips, as she will, you're gone.

szsunshine · 2020-03-11T15:14:29+00:00

If you feel she is holding you back, then you need to distance yourself from her. It's not fair for you to tolerate her insults and rudeness. If you knew for a fact she had a disorder (like ASD) it might help you to be more compassionate, but even people on the spectrum learn how to behave and speak to others and not insult them. If you were a plant that was constantly insulted, you would not grow as tall as a plant that was showered with compliments and love.

In addition, people will judge you by the company you keep. If you are always around someone who is rude and hurtful, they will think you are like that, too, or that making insulting comments is ok around you.

I think you should distance yourself from her. You don't need to ignore her, but don't make plans with her. If she asks why you are not close, tell her you are making a choice to only surround yourself with friends who uplift you and don't insult you. If she asks to make plans for something like going to church together, tell her you will go, but will not wait for her. If she is late, you will leave with out her. If you agree to meet for coffee, give her a 5 minute grace period and then leave. You teach people how to treat you, and you will need firm boundaries with her. I say this as someone who is often late - I would completely understand if no one waited for me (I am getting better and give others the benefit of the doubt when they are late, but I realize other people's time is valuable even if I am time challenged).

As for the laundry, if you feel you cannot turn her down, then tell her she has to bring you a container of laundry detergent the next time she comes to do her wash. You are doing HER a huge favor by not making her travel to a laundromat where she would have to pay quarters and wait around all afternoon. If I had a neighbor like you, I would either offer to give them money, or would offer them baked goods, water their plants when they went away, walk their dog, etc. - something to show my appreciation.

lord-cat · 2020-03-08T22:52:52+00:00

stay away from her for your own good

pearlsandstilettos · 2020-03-08T23:58:45+00:00

[removed]

Title	How to handle female friend who has been really irritating me the last couple of months?
Author	Draculas_Wife
Upvotes	44
Comments	30
Date	March 8, 2020 4:37 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ffezza/how_to_handle_female_friend_who_has_been_really/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-handle-female-friend-who-has-been-really.353666 https://theredarchive.com/post/353666