How to tell if this is a divorce shit-test. [long]

johneyapocalypse · 2020-03-09T23:27:20+00:00

This is how I understand the whole dynamic ... I've started to get some discipline in my life which includes having boundaries and enforcing those boundaries. She's noticed this change and has reacted by lashing out emotionally. But I don't know what to make of the conversation on Monday morning. I've read some of the OYS stories where wives will throw in a divorce shit-test ... but our conversation wasn't an emotional outburst.

This sounds plausible but could be fanciful. Largely depends on why you're not having sex. If your wife has been (1) withholding sex for a year and (2) she said "she needs to be honest with how she feels and that we should separate" - then you you were simply on the receiving end of another ILYBINILWY speech - like 10,000 dudes before you - though in your case maybe not even that much because she has simply conceded to "trying" not "loving."

redwall92 · 2020-03-10T12:09:22+00:00

I got to go to the gym as I had planned.

I'm going to hone in on something else ... this mindset here.

You got to go to the gym? Why do you word it that way?

I'd rather hear a man say "I went to the gym" versus what I hear as "mommy let me go to the gym" ... huge difference in frame.

You make the frame transition from "mommy let me go to the gym" -> "I went to the gym" and it'll eventually translate over to "I fucked a woman who was into me last night" as opposed to "somebody let me have sex with them last night."

Whether it's the woman who is currently your wife remains to be seen, of course. But we're not here to fix your sexless marriage.

NeoTheJuanDJ · 2020-03-09T23:49:00+00:00

This is not a divorce threat. This was a shit test and emotional dumping. She is stressed from school. Meanwhile she spent the entire morning at a hair salon instead of studying. That’s on her and isn’t your responsibility to make up for her poor planning. She offloaded some of that stress on to you. That’s all it is. Emotional dumping. Yes, she used the divorce threat with you, which wasn’t really even the full thing rather just the threat of separation, but that’s aside from the point. What you have here is a woman who is just doing as women do. Being the emotional child of the household. She needed to feel better about her stress by poking at a (former) faggot. Insert you stage left. So she shit tests you to see how you would handle it. You handled it better than she expected. You did not DEER, You did not react, you actually took her threat and expanded on it, as if to say “Oh, what’s that hun? the nuclear codes? You’re right, and here’s when and where we’ll fire them”. She’s in utter shock. She sees you didn’t react, flinch, DEER. Nothing. Crickets. and what happens? the emotions stopped. The crying stopped. The compliance testing and manipulation stopped. She sat there silent, while her beta muttered the words she never thought existed within the confines of his mental-point-of-originless brain, “oh, you want to file? Great, I have my pen, let’s see the papers”.. Leave it. Stfu, lift, and sidebar. Continue building value for yourself, forget her. She’ll figure her own shit out. Scheduling? That’s kindergarten stuff. When she gets it, Pat her on the head and give her a gold star. This gives you perspective as you raise value. A child in need of leadership. A leaders got to go to the gym, though.

part_wolf · 2020-03-10T00:13:34+00:00

How can I tell if this is a divorce shit-test, or if it's for real?

You're asking the wrong question. Whether she's serious or not, the only real difference is a whole lot of new logistics around finances, parenting, and sex. This woman will either get on board, or she won't.

If it's a divorce shit-test what approach can I use to de-escalate?

You called her bluff, which was effectively a nuke/pressure flip combo and it sounded like it worked as intended. In my experience, because divorce threats are highly incendiary you'll either de-escalate it completely or things escalate even further but at least you maintain outcome independence and - hopefully - your frame along with it.

I said something to my wife along the lines of, "Do not bring up separation/divorce unless you're absolutely serious, because you bringing it up is hurting our marriage." That worked for me, and she hasn't actually brought divorce up since. Your mileage may vary.

BobbyPeru · 2020-03-09T23:52:20+00:00

What’s your height and weight? Your lifts are very weak.

kept calm and didn't DEER. I also didn't back down and just kept re-iterating my point

You are DEERing if you keep reiterating your point. Go broken record once or twice, and then STFU.

This is how I understand the whole dynamic ... I've started ..

Blah blah blah... nope. She’s not attracted to you and hasn’t been in a long time. It’s probably too late for your situation. She almost certainly been fucking someone based on her overblown reactions, and we know it’s not you.

How can I tell if this is a divorce shit-test

I’m guessing you acted like the beta pussy you are and told her you want to save the marriage.. etc. the only answer when a woman says she wants out is “OK, the doors right there.” Ironically, it will also tell you whether it’s a shit test or not

SBIII · 2020-03-10T00:15:41+00:00

Just read your first OYS.

Your wife was - 90% chance - fucking someone else before she hit you with the ILYBINILW speech. She was gearing up for a branch swing. My guess is that the branch broke sometime in the last year, which is why you're still together a year later, in a sexless marriage.

Why exactly do you give a fuck if she wants to divorce or not?

Vegasman20002 · 2020-03-10T16:19:41+00:00

"she sits me down"??!!

That's 99% of the issue

AlohaMaui808 · 2020-03-11T02:04:32+00:00

It's already been said, but summary is this:

Whether she was serious or shitty, isn't the point. Stop analyzing her behavior and focus more on yourself and yours.

Stay plan is the go plan means what she is doing has little effect on your MAP. As another said, it would be an adjustment to finances and logistics, and that's it

If that isnt the case for you, go back to the drawing board and find some OI and some better focus on self because right now you give way too many fucks about what she's doing.

As another guy mentioned, could be that you not picking up the kids ruined her last chance at dick for a while now that you're home.

If I were you I would read the divorce guide and get to fucking work.

DocHollidaysPistols · 2020-03-09T23:20:45+00:00

I'm new to this and I don't know shit but it seems that she dropped that separation bomb on you thinking you were going to panic and freak out and kiss her ass for it not to happen. She wasn't expecting you to basically say "ok" which is why she got quiet.

stay_plan_is_go_plan · 2020-03-09T23:43:20+00:00

I'd call it a shit test. Mine did this once a month until she got in my frame.

Tambamwham · 2020-03-18T12:08:49+00:00

Don’t really know why you didn’t call her out for wasting her time at the salon. Although she’s probably been a place other than she said many a time in the last year. Also your wife is fucking somebody else and now he’s coming around to committing to her. You should do some digging. A voice activated recorder velcroed under the front seat of her car should get you some answers. But most of all... you should stop sitting with your thumb up your ass and take control. You should be visiting lawyers and should be done filing for divirce by the end of next week.

0io- · 2020-03-10T01:38:53+00:00

I haven't read your earlier posts. Tell her you've gotten bored with this no-sex thing and you've decided to have sex with her now.

If you can get back to having sex every day or at least multiple times per week she'll be in a much better mood and easier to get along with. Given that she's already suggested separation and you told her she can leave, you've got nothing to lose at this point, might as well be having sex every day.

If you're going to have a female roommate who might move out at any point, might as well be a female roommate who you have sex with a lot.

I think she's realized you have no plans to kowtow to her and she can't really manipulate you. That's a good thing and it will make her think that you're a lot stronger than she thought you were. Which makes you more mysterious and attractive. The whole thing will either turn around (which is great), or it's going to crash and burn (which is also OK.) But what won't happen is for her to get control of you and be bossing you around and dictating terms and commanding you about like her personal servant while you beg her not to leave (which is what she thought was going to happen.)

Title	How to tell if this is a divorce shit-test. [long]
Author	stay_plan_is_go_plan
Upvotes	4
Comments	53
Date	March 9, 2020 10:45 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/fg3go6/how_to_tell_if_this_is_a_divorce_shittest_long/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/how-to-tell-if-this-is-a-divorce-shit-test-long.353925 https://theredarchive.com/post/353925