708,359 posts

When am I done?

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April 18, 2020
9 upvotes

I know there's no "done" like an end of the line where I can say "I'm a perfect husband!" and stop working on myself. I get that.

Consider the following (true-ish) scenario:

Be me five years ago. Be a complete beta shithead, a "Nice Guy". Cheat on your wife. Attend couples counseling. Lie your ass off about not looking at porn or looking for hookups anymore (shit made me high as hell, I got the shakes and endorphin rush and everything). Change nothing.

Be me 3.5 years ago, still a complete beta shithead. Cheat on your wife. Again. This time you get it. It clicks. Who you are is shit. This person is non-functional. You are everything you hate: addicted, a cheat, a liar, undeserving of the title "husband", a travesty to the institution of marriage.

So you dig in. Over the next 3 years you attend individual and couples counseling. You learn how to change who you are. The problem is you double down the beta-bitch qualities. You start vomiting your guilt and shame any time your wife brings up the affairs. At the end of 3 years she asks for a separation. You cannot blame her. Look at yourself. You're still shit. Even more so now.

Be me now. Separated. You took the red pill.

I'm taking this time to read, to re-engineer who I am. The question "when am I done?" is improper. Only I can determine that.

What I want to know is "what condition do I need to be in, in order to re-engage in a healthy relationship?"

Whether with my wife, or someone else, I would backslide if I were to re-engage. So I want to know, what are the ear-marks of a man who doesn't backslide? A man capable of being in a relationship and still being able to keep his center within himself (hold his frame)?

What minimum set of conditions must exist such that I can be in a relationship without turning back into a complete piece of shit?


Post Information
Title When am I done?
Author betatest-in-progress
Upvotes 9
Comments 23
Date 18 April 2020 02:38 AM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/654106
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/g3fzxf/when_am_i_done/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
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Comments

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret33 points34 points  (1 child) | Copy

what condition do I need to be in, in order to re-engage in a healthy relationship?"

This sentence sums up your main issue. You are trying to achieve blue pill ideals through red pill means. You will be lost until you realize this

You need to focus on a better you , not better relationships. Better relationships are the byproduct of a better you.

[–]Kidterrific6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

This. He’s working very hard to hit the wrong targets.

[–]redliferedemption11 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy

You need to be comfortable being alone. You have no kids so this should be easy mode. Go do some awesome stuff. You make relationships sound like they are a vital organ or something. Stop looking at others for validation of your self worth. What are the things you do just for yourself? Not things that are geared towards becoming 'the perfect husband' or perfect member of society or anything that relies on the validation of a third party, but things for your personal enjoyment?

[–]WolfofAllStreetz5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’m going to agree with this one.

It seems you don’t know who you are or what you really want out of life.

I think sometimes we all are pretending to be something we are not to fill molds that other people think we should. (If that makes any sense).

[–]FoxShitNasty830 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

No kids.... "Hey cunty mc big tits... I'm gonna book a flight to a (random hot country) and chill for a bit.. see ya"

[–]tspitsatgp15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy

Lol, no doubt you are an engineer of some sort. What are you gonna do, put the answers in a spreadsheet and track your progress until you can successfully mimic them and then declare “mission complete”?

If you don’t want to be a lying cheating shit-bag then maybe dig into what drives you to behave like that. What issues are you avoiding or trying to cover up? Until you address your core issues you will just continue to piss into the wind.

[–]part_wolf7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

When you value your own self-respect over everything else and you are accountable to yourself, then you're ready to engage in a relationship - be it a romantic one or otherwise.

In your particular case, I'd add that you should probably learn to forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you've made before you consider a romantic relationship.

[–]Vonfahtz4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Read the sidebar yet? I'm going to say no.

Start with the precursors. Seriously. Practical Female Psychology for the Practical Man will allow you to vet properly, and see the relationship dynamics begin before it even starts.

Ultimately it boils down to high self esteem, and your ability to attract a woman with equally high self esteem, devoid of any delusions of grandeur.

[–]ChokingDownRPRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

like an end of the line where I can say "I'm a perfect husband!" and stop working.

Stop thinking it's desirable to be a perfect husband. That should get you closer to being desirable.

[–]redwall921 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I know there's no "done" like an end of the line where I can say "I'm a perfect husband!" and stop working on myself. I get that.

You took the red pill.

No. No you don't.

If your lens is "be the perfect husband" then you have NOT taken the red pill.

If you qualify your progress on how it makes you a better husband, then you have NOT taken the red pill.

[–]betatest-in-progress[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I specifically called out that I'm NOT thinking that way. I understand there is no "done". And I've seen from other comments in the thread (and from the reading I've been doing) that my relationship with another person actually doesn't matter that much. What matters is my relationship with myself and whether I'm congruent with myself morally and mentally (am I being who I am?).

[edit] But you're right. I did frame this post in terms of "who I am in relation to another". I guess my question was supposed to be "when it my frame strong enough to stand against another?". I'm not sure the question is relevant to the work I'm doing though. [/edit]

[–]tightsleeves1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

“When one eye is fixed upon your destination, there is only one eye left with which to find the Way."

[–]Grimsterr1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

What minimum set of conditions must exist such that I can be in a relationship without turning back into a complete piece of shit?

You can rest when you die.

[–]tom-anonymous0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

The question you should ask yourself is do you feel the need to be in another relationship? If the answer is yes, then ask yourself why?

If the answer is no, then ask yourself why you're asking these other questions about what condition you should be in.

Personally I think you need to start there. I think you still have some blue pilled programming underneath there.

Accept the mistakes you made in the past and don't allow them to define you anymore.

If I was in your shoes, the last thing I'd be thinking about is another LTR.

[–]betatest-in-progress[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

do you feel the need to be in another relationship?

Oh hell no. If this one is done, then I'm done. For now at least.

[...] ask yourself why you're asking these other questions about what condition you should be in [...]

I was asking because there is a possibility of reconciling. And I wanted to know how much time apart to stake out for myself. The volume of time depends on the bench-marks (here I assume I know how much time it will take me to change).

I think you still have some blue pilled programming underneath there.

Yes. I've been cringing at NMMNG as I go through it. I see so much of myself on those pages it is embarrassing.

[–]losso5190 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You, or I, won't know untill we start spinning plates, lead sexual relationships and hold frame.

[–]Felix2150-2 points-1 points  (3 children) | Copy

Be honest with your fucking "future" wife. Tell her I can't fuck one single woman for the rest of my life and try an OLTR.

[–]RedPillGlasses2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Why the fuck is this getting downvoted?

I literally LIVE this life. I fuck other women, she doesn’t fuck other men.

If she didn’t, I probably wouldn’t care.

[–]Felix21500 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Fucking shocked. It's true what the ECs said, this subreddit is on it's way down 😒

[–]Massive-Plate1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It's probably beta male or lib women downvoting shit.

[–]Diesel_Dragon-4 points-3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Abundance mentality.

[–]sidepiecebandit-5 points-4 points  (1 child) | Copy

The stay plan is the same as the go plan.

[–]BigBoiBahmani0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I don't know about the downvotes, but I will remember these words as I made this mistake. Of turning into a beta faggot to to be the perfect boyfriend. My most devastating mistake was shifting focus from being a better man to a better boyfriend. Thanks,



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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