How do I approach my husband about this issue?

TheDiscipline · 2020-05-18T17:30:20+00:00

I was your husband. Spitting image of him anyway. Brutally honest, blunt to the point of being hurtful, immature, demanding, etc...

I wish I could say it was the Scriptures that changed all that, and it partially was. Watching Paul Washer's series on Biblical Manhood on YouTube definately prompted some changes. But what really forced me to turn the corner was reading the book "Extreme Ownership" by Jocko Wilink and Leif Babin. Once I began taking responsibility for everything in my marriage (instead of blaming and accusing my wife) everything changed. I would talk to a pastor or trusted elder in your church. See if you can get them to give that book to your husband. He probably won't read it if it comes from you. If it comes from another man that he respects, he might read it and let it impact him.

In the interim, if I were you, I would look at this no differently than having a demanding arrogant boss at work. Get ahead of him, meet his demands before they are vocalized. Don't bother congratulating yourself when your house looks nice, in his mind you just did your job. Massage his ego like crazy. His arrogance demands that life is all about him, so make it all about him. Talk to him and about him like he the greatest thing ever. Don't vent to him, not even for a moment. Call a girlfriend when you need to vent. Keep him happy and his ego fed. Meanwhile, pray the wrath of God on him like you have never prayed before. The problem I see with many women is they want God to change their husband, but they don't get out of the way so He can. Give place to the wrath of God and you can win your husband without a word through chaste conduct. God has commanded in His word that husbands are to live with their wives in an understanding way. God will handle your husbands disobedience. Just get out of the way.

TreatyOfGhent88 · 2020-05-18T11:16:20+00:00

Also: Why doesn’t this come up in your nightly scripture readings? That’s a great place to voice your dissatisfaction for him! Hope it helps.

alwaysnauseated · 2020-05-18T13:04:14+00:00

Ephesians 5:25 says to husband to continue to love their wives just as the Christ also loved the congregation and gave himself up for it. Ephesians 5:28 adds that husband must love their wives as they love their own body, because a man who loves his body cherishes it and feeds it just as the Christ does to the congregation.

What I understand from your situation is that your husband is young and has a misconception about how women must be treated. Many men, due to their upbringings, think that just being the breadwinner and providing for the family is a mark of love, and nothing more should be done. Moreover, the current era seems to be fond of the so called "bad boy" behavior. That's not what God tells husbands to do.

Women need to be constantly reassured, they need to know their husbands love them, and I'm sure that in your case, thanking you for the work you do around the house would be just enough for you to feel good about yourself and loved. Women are really that simple. And your husband has not understood that yet. And it's up to you to help him understand dear OP.

Yea. Anyway. Obviously him working from home has been a stress as his expectations for me have gone through the roof. I have no idea how to speak to him without him dismissing me and saying I’m sensitive.

No I don't agree with that statement. Don't be afraid to tell him how you feel. Choose a good moment to talk to him, let yourself go, cry if you need to, pour all your heart out, and remember to be gentle when you do it. Do not underestimate the power a woman can have over her man. A sweet, caring, tender wife can calm even the biggest criminals. Your husband is clearly no criminal, he's just very misguided. And no, it won't be manipulation, but it will be enough for him to realize where he has been wrong all along and start making the efforts to correct his attitude and strengthen your marriage.

No man is perfect, and marriage is a common effort, and the bible is the guide for it to work. Pray everyday to God and he will help you.

As a wife, you know your role, so apply God's word and I'm sure you guys are going to do awesome :)

I'll conclude with this verse, 1 Peter 3:1 that says : "Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives"

Good luck to you guys !

Deep_Strength · 2020-05-19T04:49:41+00:00

Aside from what RC said, I didn't see this mentioned in OP.

Is he a serious Christian that will respond to Scripture? That's the clearest Biblical route you can go. Example:

Ephesian 4:29 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.

"I know you may not mean to come off like that but when you say [insert insensitive thing here] it doesn't feel to me like you're building me up but rather tearing me down. Is it possible to express what you are saying in a kinder way?"

Have you actually sat down and talked to him about these things?

He will constantly say hurtful things or insensitive things and when I question it he says “I didn’t mean it” so I ask him why he bothers to say things he didn’t mean and he will say “I wasn’t thinking”

It seems like the problem is encapsulated in the fact that you think your husband can read the situation and understand that you are hurt. A woman would pick up on this, but it's possible and maybe even likely that he doesn't. Husbands aren't mind readers.

Willow-girl · 2020-05-18T11:29:34+00:00

Regarding the housework: most men see it all as "women's work"; your husband is just more forthright than most. I spent multiple marriages trying to get my then-husband to pitch in and "do their fair share" around the house and it never worked; it only bred resentment on both sides. If your burden is too heavy, hire a cleaner to give the house a weekly once-over. If your marriage is otherwise happy and you feel secure, you might consider cutting back your work hours to have more time to take care of things on the homefront. I'm not sure I'd recommend that in this case. If you do have to ask your husband for help around the house, phrase it that way. Most men have a protective nature that you can appeal to; they are pleased to help their wife. They're not so happy about being told to do "their fair share" and will usually dig in their heels or get passive-aggressive and do a poor job so you won't ask them to take on a task again.

I think your husband is also being honest that the "phone personality" you hear isn't his real one; he's just learned to be strategically polite and considerate when the situation requires it. What you are getting from him is the "real deal"! It's up to you whether that's acceptable.

Now surely he has some good qualities, too, that prompted you to marry him, and made the compromise acceptable?

the420fuzz · 2020-05-18T21:00:54+00:00

“...but that was when I had much more trust in him. I feel like some of my faith in him is gone.”

FWIW I’m a single male. That said, this statement really got me. I think it’s the underlying source of most of your issues.

This may sound odd but perhaps you should tell him exactly this quote. For one, he deserves to know (as much as it will hurt, I would really want to know my girl feels this way). Secondly, he will react one of two ways: either ignore your needs and continue his actions unfazed, or he will show how much you mean to him by trying to help reaffirm your foundational trust.

El0vution · 2020-05-18T18:12:13+00:00

Is your husband RP aware? If so, he lacks understanding of comfort tests.

SierraNevadaRider · 2020-05-18T17:05:59+00:00

Pardon while I yell this.... The fact that he makes more money is IRRELEVANT to household planning.

And I practice what I preach. My wife makes a fraction of what I make, but I only go by hours worked; she works about 14-16 hrs/week, I work closer to 50 hrs. a week. Again, I go by the hours worked, not $$ brought in. I do probably 20% of the house work (but all the yard work hahaaha) because she has far more free time than I do.

Actual $$ are a gift and blessing from God, not something I would hold against my wife to get out of helping at home.

BTW, if I were face-to-face with your husband, my words would not be fit for posting on Reddit. It might begin with, "Put your cup on, we're gonna have a talk." (Yes, I really have opened confrontations with brothers this way.) Some men need the proverbial "clue-by-four" upside the head to get it. This is not a ballgame for betas, lemme tell ya.

Red-Curious · 2020-05-19T01:13:49+00:00

"HOLY TINTINNABULATION, BATMAN!" The comments in this post are sending off all kinds of alarms. It's like the bloops were chomping at the bit for an opportunity to play white knight for the damsel in distress against the mean, evil husband ... despite not knowing his side of the story, which OP respectfully pointed out in the comments.

I'm truly shocked at the advice given in this thread. So many people are quick to hop on the "communication" bandwagon. Seriously? Do you all really believe that telling her husband what he's doing wrong - no matter how "lovingly" it's couched - is the solution here? Come on.

Sure, female strategy is going to be different from male strategy. But I'm completely baffled by comments advising: "tell him" followed by quoting Scripture that says to win him over "without words." If his frame is as strong as you portray it - cold and jagged, though it may be at times - your words are going to have very little impact and will, instead, more likely be interpreted as you complaining/nagging him, no matter how nicely you tell him.

So let's get to the meat of this. 1 Peter 3 is pretty clear: submit to your husband. The context is illuminating. Before, he talks about slaves submitting to oppressive masters. After, he talks about Jesus submitting to the government that was crucifying him. Right in the middle, he tells wives to submit to their husbands - specifically referencing non-believing husbands. The impression he's (likely intentionally) creating is that a wife should live in quiet submission to her husband, no matter how irrational or unbiblical his expectations are over her.

Yes, that's a tough pill to swallow. That's why it's a red pill and not a sugar pill.

Many people I've had this conversation with want to jump to 3:7 - "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives." But we're not talking to him. If he's in sin, he will answer for it. It's not your responsibility to repay his sin by more sin of your own in how you interact with him. That's horrible logic and God won't honor it. Even if he is at fault here, that's beside the point. You can't control him.

What you can do is control yourself and treat him the way the Church is to treat Christ.

First, I've heard a number of sermons preached on "Things we wish Jesus didn't say." The Great Commission often makes the list. It's hard work. It's easy for the Church to throw it back at Jesus, "Why is the burden on us to get your Gospel to the nations? Can't you just write it in the stars? It's your goal, after all, not ours. Why don't you help out some more?" Can you imagine having a conversation with Jesus like that? And if the Church shouldn't be talking to Jesus this way, why would it be appropriate for a wife to talk to her husband that way?

From there, some people like to say, "But Jesus's yoke is easy and his burden is light." Yeah, but that "easy/light" burden also required the rich young man to sell all his wealth and give it away in order to follow Jesus. That's what the Church is expected to do for Christ, upon his request. Are you willing to give up all of your paycheck to your husband instead of just $1k every couple weeks?

/u/rocknrollchuck brought this up, so let me include it here: at $52k/yr, after tax let's say you're at $45k. $1k/2wk = $26k/yr. That leaves you another $19k/yr reserved for yourself. If that's his idea, fine. But perhaps his thought is that if you're working full-time, but he's not getting the full benefit of your employ because you reserve so much for yourself, maybe he's recouping that value in a disproportionate share of the housework.

Sure, many objectors are going to say, "But that's not fair!" And yet who are you to judge what is fair in a man's own home without knowing the man? I know in my own home, my wife has often believed the balance of responsibilities is unfair - but this is because she does very little in the way of making disciples. She balances her job + kids + house. I balance my job + kids + house + making disciples. The last one is probably more time-consuming than any of them. It's also the one God's ultimately going to look at when judging what we did with our married life. So, if I spend an equal amount of time at work and with the kids, but I spend 90% more time making disciples than her, it only makes sense that the "fair" thing is that she do 90% more housework than me - or more, given that the two aren't actually equal and I'm carrying the load for her. Yet I still probably do about 45% of the housework anyway ... not to mention other necessary areas I spend more time on than her, like lifting.

My point is: housework isn't a 50/50 thing. Marriage is not a 50/50 split of responsibilities. THE BIBLE IS NOT EGALITARIAN. The balance is whatever the head of the household decides it should be. If he decides to make you do more work than he does, then that's the balance for your home. His obligation is not to be overbearing on you. I don't know that you've described any situation that I'd call sinfully overbearing. "Unfair," sure ... if we only look at housework compared to housework. But "overbearing" in a 1 Peter 2-3 sense? Not by a long shot.

The flip of this is that he bears the responsibility for the finished product. You don't. There's a value to that responsibility as well. Consider: my wife works for a large accounting firm. She has been offered a promotion multiple times. It would involve (1) significantly increased pay and (2) reduced hourly requirements, but (3) more responsibility for the final product. More money, less hours! Fantastic deal, right? Yet she refuses to do it. Why? "Because I don't want the pressure of knowing that everything in my department falls on my head if something gets screwed up." So, she actually prefers to bear a larger time responsibility with lower compensation in order to avoid that responsibility.

As men, we bear that responsibility whether we like it or not. There is a weight to this constantly hanging over our heads. And that weight comes with a value on our time that inherently permits a reasonable degree of offsetting actual hours worked against the weight of responsibility.

So, where one user commented that "The fact that he makes more money is IRRELEVANT to household planning" - I couldn't possibly disagree more. There is a premium on each person's time. A law firm owner working 50 hours per week bears WAAAY more stress and responsibility than a Subway worker doing 50 hours per week. I can say this because I've done both. If the pay were even remotely close, I'd take the sandwich artist job every time. The work simply isn't as hard and doesn't take nearly as long to recover from. When I worked at Subway, I went home and had no further cares. As a law firm owner, I come home and am still working out cases in my hind-brain, pondering whether there will be enough to cover payroll, wondering if I forgot about any deadlines, etc.

Now, imagine those same types of pressures on an eternal scale. It's up to you to consider day-in and day-out whether or not your marriage, family, and personal life is moving in a direction you could proudly present to God, or if you are failing to lead your wife properly, should have shared the Gospel with that guy you saw while out running the previous day, forgot to train your children how to lead their friends to Jesus, accidentally gave bad advice to the guy you're discipling whose life is in a bad spot, etc. I know for a fact my wife doesn't think about these things. Nor should she have to. It's not her responsibility to think about everything that needs to be done under God's eyes for our marriage. That's my job. But the added responsibility comes with an added premium on my time. This means that my man-hours contributed to low-responsibility work are worth more than her woman-hours. In an egalitarian marriage, that obviously wouldn't be the case - but in a godly, biblical marriage, this will always be true.

Now, it's perfectly possible that your husband isn't actually thinking of any of these things. He may not actually be leading your marriage properly toward making disciples. And if that's the case, then he's a crappy leader, still bearing the responsibility, yet ignoring and squandering it. But there's no evidence that this is the case, so I'm not going to make that assumption.

Lastly, just because you're required to submit to him, regardless of how "unfair" you think it is, that doesn't mean you have to like it. The Bible compels slaves to obey masters, Jesus to die on the cross, and wives to submit to their husbands. It doesn't compel any of these people to feeeeeeel a certain way about the situation they're in.

Too many people think that "good Christians" should always have positive feelings all the time. That's absurd when we see how often Jesus had negative feelings. Are we to preach at him about how he needs to depend on God more? Absurd!

He can lead his home how he wants. But his leadership may bring with it the consequence of an unhappy spouse. You should not disrespect him in your unhappiness, but you're not obligated to feel good about it. So, embrace your frustrations and allow yourself to feel it. Don't repress or stifle your anger and annoyance, pretending to be happy when you're not. But in the way you conduct yourself, allow how you feel to be tempered by the behavior of one who has the "beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

"But RC, that's an outdated passage!" cry the liberals. Verse 5, "For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves." In other words, Paul is saying, "Culture is changing, but this is the way it was done in the past, and that's reason enough to keep doing it that way."

TreatyOfGhent88 · 2020-05-18T11:54:35+00:00

The book night light really helped us. It’s an awesome nightly read with scripture and questions to help couples grow deeper together

DialecticContrarian · 2020-05-18T15:22:31+00:00

Sounds like you need encouragement for your work. And want appreciation.

You blind spot button or trigger point is probably not being good enough.

Your love language is probably words of affirmation.

Discipline is tough because we want it to come from within. But if it's not met with love its punitive and draining.

I think Paul says it about, if I have all the truths and wisdoms of the world but do not have love, it is like a clashing gong

Rifleshoot · 2020-05-18T17:10:03+00:00

Your husband is the head of the house, as he should be. Now, if he is not contributing in any way while demanding you do everything, that is poor leadership and he should be called out for it. Is your husband a hard worker? Or is he lazy while expecting you to do everything? If he works hard and expects the same of you, then I would say he would be in the right. If he is playing playstation and drinking beer while expecting you to do all the work, then you need to speak up and let him know what the problem is. But don't simply frame it as "I am doing all the work while you sit around and do nothing." That won't get you the results you want. What you really want is for him to step up and lead his household and that is exactly how you should phrase it. Every man wants to lead his family and sometimes they need a reminder that that is their role. As the head of the household, it is impossible to lead from behind.

TreatyOfGhent88 · 2020-05-18T11:52:55+00:00

I meant emotionally abusive, manipulative: like belittling your work at home instead of encouraging and appreciating you! No judgment here.

-Dee-Dee- · 2020-05-18T22:50:20+00:00

You both live in your home. You should both be doing household chores. If you have children will you be quitting your job? If you quit your job I can see then you should do more household chores. But not all of them.

I think your husband’s idea of a Christian husband is not correct.

You give him $1k biweekly for what? You’ll Have a mortgage but your house will need to be maintained.

Men and women each have their roles but there are things both should be doing as part of a team.

I really hope you guys can communicate and work through these issues.

abrated · 2020-05-19T03:06:22+00:00

simply put, and pardon the bluntness, but your husband is a douche. regardless of his speaking style and outlook on what the roles are in a marriage, he took a vow to take care of you (and you him). you obviously do your part, and then some. if he can’t understand why certain things make you upset or uneasy, he’s got some serious soul searching to do. i mean, how does he plan to take care of you and himself in the event you are injured and bed bound for an extended period of time or God forbid, should die unexpectedly? life, and marriage, is a journey. there will be times when one leads and another follows, and when the roles are reversed. one cannot expect the other to do literally everything the entire time.

TreatyOfGhent88 · 2020-05-18T11:14:46+00:00

This guy isn’t a good Christian husband! Just because your marriage is a covenant doesn’t mean you need to stay in an abusive one. A husband should be a leader that helps when the people he loves fall behind. He should live his life as an example of love and kindness that extends FIRST to his beloved spouse. Talk to a Christian counselor and express your needs for emotional support, love, and more grace in the day-to-day chores and your interactions!

IsAllThisReal · 2020-05-19T18:27:09+00:00

He responded “you aren’t paying me.”

Absolute chad response.

PrincepsOmni · 2020-05-18T12:41:11+00:00

(This really really hurt my feelings, he makes so much mess around the house and I constantly clean up after him. I‘ve never complained about it, he doesn’t see pretty much any of the work I do he just thinks the house stays clean itself!)

While he is right to say housework is your work etc, he could learn some tact there. He sounds like he's not speaking to someone he respects. A good wife should be respected and loved by her husband, not verbally abused.

Your husband doesn't sound very grateful or appreciative. Was he like this before you married?

He constantly asks to go down on me. I’ve expressed time and time again that I hate it (due to past trauma). We have done it a few times in our early marriage but that was when I had much more trust in him. I feel like some of my faith in him is gone.

Many women would give real money to have a man please them orally. You're married and you're vowed to be sexually available to each other.

You need pray about this, and seek therapy for your past traumas.

This especially hurts because now that he’s worked from home I’ve heard him speak on the phone to coworkers and he is so helpful and kind. He isn’t like that towards me.

Huge red flag to me...I am usually helpful to most people. To my wife, unless she gives a damn good reason not to be, I am about ten times kinder than to people in the world. She's never given me much reason to not be sweet. Speaking poorly to her when she's doing her best to be a godly wife won't help her or me or our marriage.

Bring this up when you're reading scripture together.

johnmic07 · 2020-05-18T14:11:34+00:00

You need to tell your husband how you feel. A lot of husband's don't realize how hurtful the jokes they tell or the things they say can be.

You can also talk about him doing some of the chores or just letting a few things slide if he isn't willing to help out. The book "when I say no I feel guilty" might be helpful for you to be more assertive with him.

Decimus_Stark · 2020-05-18T18:03:42+00:00

This is almost right out of the appreciation section of the rational male. The roles are just reversed. I have the same mentality as your husband and its bore out of our internalization of our burden of performance. Look at it from your husbands point of view. Besides maybe you what he mainly does is a thank-less job. No one appreciates him because its expected of him. Now to put that on a woman isn't probably something Id do. Theres a lot of problems with your marriage because of it already. I admit I do this too, when pressure is up and your trying to maintain an image and everyone is questioning that image, I lashed out. It derives from a feeling of lack of respect. Mind you this is narcissism. I don't deny that. Ive gotten better with it. But my solution isnt one you would be able to replicate. This is a him problem, its him failing to Realize that that men and women are not the same and shouldn't be treated the same. I think he believes it in the area that bolsters his narcissistic fantasy but not in the areas that threaten his narcissistic fantasy. Id say he needs to read the rational male but he won't read a book that his wife recommends most likely again it threatens his narcissistic fantasy.

The sex thing, Im going to sound insensitive but you need to fix that. Thats a you problem. Your the one with the trauma and he is paying for it. This is adding if not the underlying problem to your situation. "He responded “you aren’t paying me.”" is clear. Sex isn't just something men can shrug off, our testosterone is 10-14x more powerful than a womans and we dont have a menstrual cycle so this is in our veins 24/7. I hate recommending this because this not only takes time and money but is an easy answer but for you, yourself. Go to therapy, you need to get this trauma treated. Im not saying to become a nympho like a lot of men want but you need to be able to have sex with your husband, without practically reliving the events of Vietnam. Sorry but this is a must. Relationship wise and biblically. 1st Corinthians 7:5-10

Short term solution: Do what he says be submissive when you can. Stop talking back to him. Quit questioning him. Sex is the butter to bread in relationships and you have no butter. Your practically living off of grace at this point. Your husbands also got issues, some unhealthy levels of narcissism, tearing you down and such. This is leading to a multitude of sins from both of you. He needs some meditation and reflection and also another good thing to do. Go out of your way for him on some things. The world treats him like a wage slave, and he wants to be king of the castle. Let him be. The point being, hes being deprived, you have to create butter but till you do honey will have to do. The corona virus is hitting everyone hard. So whats your job as a couple? Survive.

P.s. I know I ripped into you in this but it takes two to tango, your husband isnt the only one at fault.

Red-Lantern · 2020-05-18T13:42:49+00:00

He's blunt so explain to him, when there are no other distractions how his actions and comments make you feel. Add that it makes it more difficult to be better for the both of you and how considering your feelings, softening his tone and complimenting you more could be appreciated. Come from a place of complimenting him. Ex: "I love it when you devour the meals that I make for you. I spend extra time making it special just for you." Or "I love how you look in that shirt. When I saw it in the hamper I just had to do the laundry to speed up when Ill see you in it again." Also consider that, turning "off" his work persona to be real with you may be also be his way of being vulnerable.

Express to him how happy you are with the other aspects of his character and being.

Express that you both are a team and ask for his input on what he would like to see more/less of. Work on building trust together and being open with each other.

Perhaps keep notes of your "unseen" duties in appropriate areas but visible enough for him to notice as checklists are completed.

NightTerror6 · 2020-05-18T18:12:59+00:00

You shouldn't have to pay for somebody's fair treatment of you.

Title	How do I approach my husband about this issue?
Author	alwaysnauseated
Upvotes	28
Comments	80
Date	May 18, 2020 10:07 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/glyqkh/how_do_i_approach_my_husband_about_this_issue/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/how-do-i-approach-my-husband-about-this-issue.665708 https://theredarchive.com/post/665708

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