Is it necessary to tell your partner about your not so chaste past? If you've changed?

cerulean- · 2020-06-05T05:12:13+00:00

I'm going to disagree with most of the advice given here so far for one specific reason: he may not want to know.

In general, it's a bad idea to tell someone something that might hurt them if they haven't asked about it. Your partner may have decided, for whatever reason, that he does not care to know about your "colorful" past. Or maybe he's never even considered it. In any case, let him be the Captain and determine what information is or isn't important. You may disagree with his assessment that it isn't important, but that's not your decision. And I would be especially cautious to reveal that information unprompted since it may hurt him.

How could it hurt him? It could make him feel less valuable.

I've had people tell me things I didn't ask to know, I didn't need to know, and I didn't want to know. And all knowing did was hurt me. The information that was revealed didn't illuminate a choice or show a situation in a different light or provide any utility. There was no point to revealing the information other than the person getting it off their chest (as you say). It changed things for them because they felt less emotionally burdened. It changed nothing for me except now I knew something that hurt my feelings. Don't be the person that does that to someone.

2020-06-04T16:51:47+00:00

The moral reason: Because why would you lie to someone you're planning on marrying?

The logical reason: Because you don't want him learning the truth from someone who isn't you.

RStonePT · 2020-06-04T18:36:42+00:00

https://therationalmale.com/2013/12/03/saving-the-best/

Say or don't, it doesn't matter. The issue isn't your honesty, it's about your enthusiasm. No man wants to pay full price for 50% enthusiasm, so if you're not down to be a slut for this man, at least as much as you were for others, don't waste both your time.

Or enjoy it while it lasts because those type of arrangements tend to blow up otherwise

2020-06-05T16:09:51+00:00

Why do you feel a need to tell him this if he hasn't outright asked you about it? As we get older in this modern dating culture, it's assumed that most people have dated around to some extent and become somewhat experienced in the realm of sexuality and intimacy.

Were these colourful experiences in the realm of committed relationships (some couples like to be adventurous and kinky together while being monogamous), were they one night stands, a combination of both? Did you sleep with guys too soon and realized after a few failed relationships that your original boundaries weren't working for you? (This scenario happens to a lot of women unfortunately and we have to learn the hard way).

If you want to get something off your chest, tell a friend you trust, your mom or maybe a therapist if you feel you have some baggage to work through so you can be a better version of yourself. Not just for your boyfriend, but for you.

You may find that he won't ever ask about your past. Or if he does, you can decide how much detail is relevant to what he wants to know. A quality guy that isn't hung up by insecurity or jealousy usually won't demand to know your n-count or the sexual details of your past relationships. It's a given these days that we likely won't be virgins when we meet our future spouse unless you have been consistently religious. I find these questions are often asked inappropriately and a huge turn-off.

If he asks outright and the truth really turns him off that much then it's probably better to end the relationship. Why would you want to be with someone isn't going to love you for who you are and who you want to be.

AngelFire_3_14156 · 2020-06-04T17:13:56+00:00

I had a period in my life that was also very colorful. I told my boyfriend (who I was very serious about) what had happened. My reasoning was that if he was going to reject me because of this I wanted to find out sooner than later. I also didn't want to risk him finding out some other way and have to explain everything to him.

We had a very serious discussion about it and I promised that it wouldn't happen again. It really set the groundwork for some very respectful, open, and honest communication.

How did it all turn out? We've been together for 6 and a half years, married for 5, 2 kids and another on the way. And we are very much in love!

LocalReligionMajor · 2020-06-04T21:26:58+00:00

I don't think you have to tell him right off the bat. Like, that might be weird on a first date. (Admittedly, on date 1, my fiance said, "so here's my baggage, what's yours?"). But it will probably come up organically relatively early on. Just be honest, because intimacy is about building trust and becoming comfortable with each other. You don't have to give all the details, and guys don't usually want to hear them. But you don't want to go through life worrying one day he's going to run into one of your old college friends or whatever.

pearlsandstilettos · 2020-06-04T20:34:48+00:00

[deleted]

RubyWooToo · 2020-06-05T21:06:29+00:00

Generally speaking, men don’t care about the sex you had in the past if they’re happy with the sex they’re getting from you in the present.

GraphiteIsInPencils · 2020-06-04T17:06:45+00:00

The whole "it would be selfish to tell him" thing is a made up lie you're telling yourself. Its selfish to not tell him because you're only not telling him to act in your own best interest.

Be honest about your past. You don't have to talk shit about yourself but just tell him how it is. "I slept around a lot" or whatever. If you've really changed he'll he able to look past that.

Hiding your past makes things look worse.

P8II · 2020-06-04T16:47:31+00:00

As long as you don’t lie in your answers.

ClaireLyons · 2020-06-04T16:50:28+00:00

being honest is always a good thing. If he loves you he will see that you've moved on and changed. But hiding things is never good.

party_dragon · 2020-06-04T16:47:19+00:00

You haven't changed, you're just sorry because you realized it was a short-term strategy resulting in (potential) long-term loss.

First step is not lying to yourself. Then you can make a (more) informed decision that you'll be able to own up to in the future.

Title	Is it necessary to tell your partner about your not so chaste past? If you've changed?
Author	ClaireLyons
Upvotes	3
Comments	34
Date	June 4, 2020 4:37 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/gwkxxl/is_it_necessary_to_tell_your_partner_about_your/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/is-it-necessary-to-tell-your-partner-about-your.670743 https://theredarchive.com/post/670743

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