I don't wanna be a bangmaid mom to a man,NEVER. Is it possible finding a man who doesn't want you to be one?

shine_flower · 2020-05-16T04:37:39+00:00

What I am afraid of is being deceived by a guy who seems to be an HVM but only pretending to be. Thats why being with HV women and being friends with them would be good. You could ask them to vet the guy for you. Its important to approach a relationship first objectively than be led on by our feelings which often happens when we vet on our own...

yumiia · 2020-05-16T05:02:31+00:00

You don’t have to honey. I’m 21 and decided to be single and dedicate my life to science and helping people. If I meet someone nice along the way, that’s chill. But I’m happy on my own right now. I think you should do the same. Take a break and heal your mind and body. If you don’t want to, you never have to date again. It’s entirely your choice and there are way more fulfilling things in life than a relationship.

Kekekeke7777 · 2020-05-16T04:07:22+00:00

Saaaaaaame x1000.

PS I sent you a message about pain and dance, I hope that’s ok.

jetpatch · 2020-05-16T09:28:56+00:00

You need to find someone independent and self sufficient now if you want them to be that in a relationship.

The trouble is too many women want to feel needed. They think that makes them safe. They think if a guy needs them they won't cheat or leave. Sorry but with men the penis comes first and survival comes second. Even if he was relying in you for a kidney transplant he would still cheat on you. Men only stay because they want to stay, you can't bribe them into it. So any relationship is always a risk, there's no easy answer. You can't control other people, only yourself.

Interestingly in my mum's generation a lot of people are getting serious and even married but keeping their own houses and living separately most of the time. I wonder if that will become more normal for younger people in the future.

FluffandRainclouds · 2020-05-16T15:21:16+00:00

Judge men by how you would judge another woman (or yourself). Think critically-- does having a man in your life enhance it like a family member or female friend? My point is, many men are negative value and will decrease your quality of life.

What to do?

1) External: Make your life awesome: dress how you want, cut/dye/don't dye your hair how you want, wear makeup/no makeup, keep/remove body hair, wear jewelry you like, etc. Remove your entire style from "what men like" and think of aesthetics that make YOU happy. Does a certain play of gemstone colors make you happy? Wear it! Did you always want burgundy hair and your bf hated it? Do it! Did you like heavy flowery perfume your bf hated? Wear them!

2) Internal: Look at your personality-- what lovely things about you have you hid or stifled to please men? Let's face it, a lot of NVM will out down your hobbies and make fun of you for being happy, so when you are miserable (like they wanted) they also comment on that to make you feel like shit. Are you brainy? Get back into your intellectual pursuits! Are you artsy? Take up your craft! Are you into a workout/dance program he hated? Go back!

3) Social: Who did you lose touch with? Who are some true friends and trusted family members who encourage you to be your best and want to see you happy? Who will second points 1 and 2?

4) Financial: what did you not get to buy yourself because of the NVM? What do you want to save up for? How do you want to level up your career if possible?

5) Emotional: What do you do for self-care? Guilty pleasures like trash TV, bubble baths, and junk food are great in moderation. Do you see a therapist? How can you love and take care of yourself in a way that makes you feel good inside and out over appearances? How can you fully realize your self-worth is independent from what society tells you (i.e. serving a man baby).

When you level up in all these areas and become happy with being single, then dating again can be an option. But I recommend the levelling up first because this will help you vet men ruthlessly and dump anyone who threatens to lower your quality of life (even a little bit!).

This means only dating guys you are attracted to and comparing their personalities, character, work ethic, emotional intelligence to how you would judge a female friend. No exceptions! He must be absolutely fantastic and splendid (at least as much as your best female friend) to be worthy, and such a judgment takes a long time. Will he defend you if his friends/family attack you? Or will he be weak and never stand up for you to avoid conflict? Will he listen to your problems, or will he accuse you of being dramatic anytime you show a negative emotion? Will he enjoy seeing you happy, or pooh-pooh everything you like or the way you smile/laugh? Will he respect your intelligence and experiences? Or will he talk down to you and pretend he is smarter in your chosen field because he read one Wikipedia article? Will he support himself and be financially generous with you, or make you go splitsies after you spent $300 in cosmetics/hair/clothes/handbags for a date? Is he interesting and socially appropriate, or will you cringe when you introduce him to friends/family and make you feel like you have to watch over him?

Single or coupled, you can have it all. But you MUST make sure the choice you have is beyond awesome. I'm so happy being single after learning the above from FDS honestly.

Hope this helps!

virginiadancer · 2020-05-16T15:47:39+00:00

36F here. I never cared much about my relationships, instead prioritizing other things. A few years ago, I finally found myself in a more stable situation and decided to give it a real go. I met close to 100 men. None of them compatible. I decided recently to return to my regularly scheduled life, which was much more fulfilling with a greater return on investment.

I have men come and go for the boyfriend experience or the summer encounter, but I tend to not stick around for long.

My friends who used to say "don't worry, you'll find someone one day" also stopped saying that. It probably won't happen to me unless I put forth tremendous effort and I don't think its worth it.

My single 'older' lady friends in their 50s and 60s date like I do and they are having a great time. I look forward to this future with no regrets.

BabyGothQ · 2020-05-16T07:09:17+00:00

This isn’t a choice you have to make for the rest of your life. If you want to be alone right now, go for it! You may change your mind in a year, 5 years, 10 years or never. That’s up to you then.

I believe it’s very possible, what you want. But that’s why we have the handbook, so that when you do find that person, if you want to, you’ll be able to put yourself first and value your own happiness. It’ll be an equal partnership, not completely without human issues, but worth working on together.

Just keep focusing on leveling yourself up and let future you worry about whether she wants to bring someone into her life. There is no time limit, no ticking clock.

AfraidofFollowers · 2020-05-16T16:13:49+00:00

It’s a long life. Love will come and go. Focus on you and get your self esteem up.

I have yet to find a man that wants to treat me the way I want to be treated. The new men just want me to have their spawn. They suck and I’m not having any more kids.

Being alone isn’t all that bad. I don’t have to deal with bullshit. That shit is exhausting.

ivy176 · 2020-05-16T14:11:09+00:00

I think it's really important to get to know a man as a friend first in these cases. See who he is as a person in general.

Honestly there's no way to guarantee a man won't hurt you. The only thing you can do is vet for as long as possible and take note of all red flags.

For me, not using dating apps and only dating men I was friends with (in person) for months/years prior to dating is the only way I could ever trust them at all.

cocoabutterbooty · 2020-05-16T03:59:28+00:00

Yes it is possible.You have to realize your worth before going into any relationship that way you won’t put up with any shit.If your dating someone take some time to observe their behaviors.Do they plan thoughtful dates.Do they try to help with and listen to your problems.How do they respond when you say no.Do they make you feel insecure.Does he seem to like you for more than your body.Have you had sex yet.If not do you feel pressured.Dump his ass if he shows any of the red flags and stop being so focused on having a HVM.Focous on yourself,you health,your career and your family bc an HVM doesn’t want to be the absolute center in your life,he wants a partner.

Wishing you luck sis

2020-05-16T04:13:46+00:00

You need to take FDS as a screening strategy not a fishing strategy. You need to weed out the fuckboys who prey on the vulnerable. Often, high value males are less noticeable than the fuckboys and it takes time and patience to land one.

BestestUsernameEvah · 2020-05-16T06:12:21+00:00

I imagine and create a happy life for me on my own. With lots of friends, travelling and adventures. I work hard on accomplishing my goals and on doing things that bring me joy. I also make sure to have enough money to hire a maid and (beyond looks) I know I am attractive and interesting enough to have lots of male attention. Being single doesn't mean being lonely or becoming a crazy cat lady. Being single means having freedom to do whatever you want and spending time with the love of your life: yourself.

On the other hand, I picture how different my life would be if I were married with a LVM. Waking up everyday to a cheating or abusive partner who does nothing but complaining about everything while you devote your time and life to become the maid/mother/sex toy that he wants? No, god no. Just read the AITA section and picture 1 day with those LVM.

I rather be single than with a LVM. Once you are happy with that choice, there is no room un your life for LVM and if a HVM ever appears he might get a chance with you. With YOU, not with your maid.

Title	I don't wanna be a bangmaid mom to a man,NEVER. Is it possible finding a man who doesn't want you to be one?
Author	luvzslolaz
Upvotes	150
Comments	37
Date	May 16, 2020 3:36 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gknulx/i_dont_wanna_be_a_bangmaid_mom_to_a_mannever_is/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-dont-wanna-be-a-bangmaid-mom-to-a-mannever-is-it.676034 https://theredarchive.com/post/676034

Comments