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[–]blk_grl_lvl_upFDS Newbie128 points129 points130 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Facts! Men know within 6 months if they want to be with you forever. Don’t settle for being a forever GF if that’s not what you want. Don’t beg these men to take you seriously. You shouldn’t have to if he’s the right one.
[–]circescircusRuthless Strategist144 points145 points146 points 3 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link
Committing doesn't mean that much though. He can "commit" to you because he knows realistically that you're the best he can do, but will act contemptuously towards you in marriage. Men can commit for a million bad reasons, they are also good at pretending to commit to you, to get what they want from you.
Avoiding being a 7 year forever girlfriend is like passing FDS kindergarten, it doesn't mean you're "winning" just because he's doing all the motions. I'm not saying this to be a bummer, I just want to remind women here that if you want a relationship where you're not made into a total ass, you have to think bigger/more long-term than just a wedding, a ring, etc. Tons of women get clowned AFTER the guy "commits". Very common with abusive guys in particular.
I have a feeling that if the pickme well dries up, if the septic tank that is OLD continues to slide further down into shit, that men will future fake, pretend to commit, a lot more than they do presently/in the last few years. I sense social changes coming, and part of that will mean scrotes changing their strategy to exploit women for their own gain.
[–]DelicateDreamFDS Disciple48 points49 points50 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yes we must vet a man before we commit to him. He commits first, both in feelings and action. The woman doesn’t get ahead emotionally or secretly hope he commits to her and picks her. It doesn’t mean a woman can’t desire a relationship or marriage (with the right man), just that she needs to stay in evaluation mode longer.
Too many men are eager to commit because they don’t want to keep up the HV act for long and often simply can’t do it. The sooner they lock you down, the sooner they can return to being a schlubby couch creature, but now with a bangmaid, and the less likely you are to see the cracks in the veneer before you’ve over invested. FDS timelines are recommended because they work well.
But I’d like to believe the OP is a positive story where a woman tossed the LVM, leveled up, and found a HVM for a relationship that meets her needs and desires.
[–][deleted] 67 points68 points69 points 3 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
We have been shaped to believe that men are the prize. We think if a man agrees to marry us, we've won the prize. Lucky us!! Not so much.
[–]circescircusRuthless Strategist78 points79 points80 points 3 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Yeah, it's really sad. Women think they "won" because they got a wedding, a ring, a house, some kids. They think that being chosen by a man = I've won. In order to not get clowned by men, you have to reframe your mind to think the opposite. The guy is auditioning to be your husband, is he good enough, will you be able to deal with him? He is the one that is going to gain more from the marriage/from kids, not you.
[–]Unlikely-MarzipanRuthless Strategist36 points37 points38 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Yes, i love this! This is exactly my mindset now. Before dates, I always make sure I pep talk myself and zip into my “Rhianna confidence suit” think of all the things I bring to the table, and objectively observe the man and whether or not he deserves me. It helps to not come across so desperate for their validation. Especially in your 30s because they often think you’ll be desperate. I’m personally not wanting to get married or had kids, but I do want to make sure I make the most of my dating life, and just because i may not be with someone long term, doesn’t mean I decrease my standards for them...
[–]gigababejflFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I always make sure I pep talk myself and zip into my “Rhianna confidence suit”
😄😄😄 omg I love this!
[–]Unlikely-MarzipanRuthless Strategist6 points7 points8 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Ha ha I got it from Shallon Lester’s videos - she’s been my confidence queen. I know there’s a lot of controversial stuff going on about her lately (I haven’t looked into it that far tbh) but she has been a godsend for me in terms of confidence, levelling up, being single, and dealing with fuckboys and toxic people in general.
[–][deleted] 24 points25 points26 points 3 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
I’m more on the conservative side so I tend to get the future fakers. They know I’m not going to do a fwb and or a casual short term relationship so they say they are serious, but do his actions show the same thing? Nope! Fortunately there are little milestones that you can gauge whether or not he’s just talking out of his ass.
Last ex tried to hold on to me by saying we could live together maybe some day (notice the maybe and the arbitrary time line?) AFTER we split. Sorry, I’m not that desperate to be picked. NEXT!
[–]hopeful_flounder93FDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This!! I am goddamn incensed by the future faking, over and over again, they're so predictable 🙄 Waiting 3-4 months prior to any kind of intimacy tends to be a great first step to weeding those morons out though, thank you FDS 👌👌
[–]girludontbringhomeFDS Newbie74 points75 points76 points 3 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
I mean it’s good to have realistic expectations too...Of course her ending the 7 year relationship was the right call, but it’s very unlikely that the next guy you’ll date will be a HVM or that you will even date anyone just 6 months after a breakup. That’s why, whatever you do, has to be for your own happiness. I dated my best friend and he broke up with me 3-4 months later. I was single for more than 1.5 years, heartbroken for most of it, but really worked on myself during that time. I then met a guy and thought I vetted him carefully so we ended up in a relationship but then he ended up being LVM and our relationship ended after just 3-4 months as well. I really really thought that after 1.5 years of being completely single, and learning from my past mistakes, the next guy I would find would be “The One.” Nope, life does not work that way and now I know not to be so naive thinking that my next relationship will be with a HVM. Now I actively try to identify any voids in my life when I feel lonely being single and fill those voids with constructive things. I do things for my happiness not because I think it’s going to get me a man. I suggest other women do the same.
[–]Unlikely-MarzipanRuthless Strategist29 points30 points31 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Yes, 100%. Even when I broke up with my most recent LVM, I noticed I made a lot of changes in my thinking - saw the signs, stood my ground, talked the talk and walked the walk out the door, sooner than I would have previously. But I still ended up dating some losers. And still coming across them day by day. But I’m very comfortable with not ever being in a ltr again, and never getting married or having kids, so that helps too. I just try and make sure that I focus on myself and dating is just an extra curricular activity that I make work on my own terms but don’t make it the centre of my life, and don’t feed myself a BS fantasy that I’ll get swept off my feet by a hvm - I mean, I might... but not holding my breath for it.
[–]Davina33FDS Newbie26 points27 points28 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I can never overstate the freedom that not wanting marriage or children brings. I've never felt the pressure my peers feel. I have had boyfriends that wanted children and marriage but I always said no. Us women always come off worse. I didn't want to make myself even more sick juggling a career, marriage and children. I think it has helped me to take the time to work on myself and pick better men.
[–]Unlikely-MarzipanRuthless Strategist12 points13 points14 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Exactly, me too! I am feeling the pressure a bit more now, but not because I want those things deep down - I know i don’t because I feel physically ill at the thought of it. But I have a lot of pick me friends around me who do want those things. Once this pandemic is over I’ll just focus on finding more gfs on my wavelength I think.
[–]greatmanatee2FDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points 3 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
What sorts of constructive things do you do?
[–]girludontbringhomeFDS Newbie16 points17 points18 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Before COVID I started strength training for a few months at the gym which was something I had never done before. Now I have gotten back into running and I think I am going to add strength training back into my routine. I have been regularly listening to podcasts and audiobooks, as well as reading books, purposely on the most random subjects just to learn new things. I have been trying to cook consistently (I am living with my family right now so there are a lot of people in the household, and cooking in bulk almost everyday is not the easiest thing). I have been trying to reorganize my parents house and getting rid of clutter. I am also learning a foreign language and sewing. All of these are pretty random lol but you need to have constructive hobbies that fill your time and you will not feel like you have to have an SO.
[–]XiekoFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I can agree with this mentality! To fill my time and level up, I have been listening to intentional podcasts about growth, journaling, meditating, reading scifi for fun, running, pilates instead of lifting weights since gyms are closed, gardening, a little bit of sewing, drawing, and learning how to play piano since I have my brother's keyboard. I'm especially proud of the last one because I love piano and have always wanted to know how to play. I figure it'll be easier to justify wanting to own a baby grand as a living room centerpiece if I can play it and thoroughly enjoy the hobby.
[–]girludontbringhomeFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I really want to start learning how to play the piano! I actually can read the most basic notes (like all the ones around middle C, excuse my lack of musical knowledge lol). I am staying with my family who do randomly have a digital piano and I would like to learn more. I was wondering how you are going about self-teaching yourself piano?
[–]millionssomethingFDS Newbie39 points40 points41 points 3 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
It makes me laugh to think about that noncommittal loser sitting at home probably posting about "the girl who got away" and how she's already moved on.
[–]sashimi_girlFDS Newbie19 points20 points21 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Conversely- he’ll say she’s a gold digging bitch or that her new, legitimate love is a “rebound” because she upgraded and he’s salty!
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
There are LVM who regret losing a partner ?,😳
[–]cherrybombfieldFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
OH yeah they are all over the place crying about it to the new woman and how they have been hurt and they are now so scared. I mean the amount of men out there crying about some woman who dumped them you would think they would start to figure it out and make changes, but no they just annoy the crap out of the rest of the women they meet talking about it. Sorry for the rant.
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
No worries I enjoy this subreddit so I also enjoy long replies :D But now I see what you mean, I had an ex who often would talk about his ex as "she was the love of my life/!!" and altough he said he was over her, he would still talk about her, always in a positive way. And when he started to be abusive towards me, I understood that he was the type to only love one woman and treat others as objects as a type of revenge or something.
As you said there are also the ones who say "someone hurt me so now Im fuckboy to protect myself" but I always thought that these dudes are either lying or exagerating their break up.
[–]cherrybombfieldFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I think it is more likely he was just as abusive to the ex and was just using her to triangulate you. So you would work harder to be better than her you know, they do that crap you know. Everytime I have actually met these unicorn exes I have to say I was never impressed, these guys really idealize certain women and then torture other women with it you know.
[–]0kfornowFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah when you stop moving forward youre not standing still youre going backwards. If he wont commit the relationship is doomed. Dont grow older waiting for him to change. He wont.
[–]Lamastu5FDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I like this song
[–]ChobyoFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Amen so true
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Don’t let your boyfriend keep you from your husband.
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[–]blk_grl_lvl_upFDS Newbie128 points129 points130 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]circescircusRuthless Strategist144 points145 points146 points (9 children) | Copy Link
[–]DelicateDreamFDS Disciple48 points49 points50 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 67 points68 points69 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]circescircusRuthless Strategist78 points79 points80 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]Unlikely-MarzipanRuthless Strategist36 points37 points38 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]gigababejflFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Unlikely-MarzipanRuthless Strategist6 points7 points8 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 24 points25 points26 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]hopeful_flounder93FDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]girludontbringhomeFDS Newbie74 points75 points76 points (7 children) | Copy Link
[–]Unlikely-MarzipanRuthless Strategist29 points30 points31 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]Davina33FDS Newbie26 points27 points28 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Unlikely-MarzipanRuthless Strategist12 points13 points14 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]greatmanatee2FDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]girludontbringhomeFDS Newbie16 points17 points18 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]XiekoFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]girludontbringhomeFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]millionssomethingFDS Newbie39 points40 points41 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]sashimi_girlFDS Newbie19 points20 points21 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]cherrybombfieldFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]cherrybombfieldFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]0kfornowFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Lamastu5FDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]ChobyoFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link