Emotionally unavailable men

SraSB · 2018-12-28T15:21:19+00:00

My husband is like that. After years of being together, I can tell why he is distance, most of the time. Sometimes he is preoccupied, sometimes he needs to go out and do his own thing, sometimes he just need me to cook him a good meal and some special couple time to help him open up. Taking care of his needs always helps him open up, but guys are hunters too. Encouraging him to do some manly activity helps them. This is my 2cents on this😊

Candyland21245 · 2018-12-28T16:32:14+00:00

I've learned that when I'm emotionally unavailable (whether I fully realize it or not) I tend to attract emotionally unavailable men.

Can't tell you what to do. Whether to leave him alone or not. But I would suggest asking yourself if ~You're~ emotionally available.

quoyam · 2018-12-28T18:41:35+00:00

TBH I don't waste my time. There are so many men out there who are ready for a relationship. I am not a therapist and it's not my job to fix a grown mans trauma or attitude. I will support you through your healing by being patient and having a listening ear but that's it. Im not into playing tag. You can never win because these men are in "survival mode". TBH we all have some trauma, emotional baggage, and some skeletons in our closet but chasing a man and trying to tame him? Nah my time is too precious. Don't be a pick me chick.

fosho_away · 2018-12-28T15:21:24+00:00

Yes, this was my last bf. It was impossible to communicate well or fully feel like we were moving into the level of intimacy I will need in a marriage. Despite being 29 and him otherwise being a solid guy, I had to walk. The whole thing felt too one-sided and he wasn’t appreciative of how much I was trying to submit to him.

SO GLAD I did. Took some time but found a new guy who is over the moon with me. He’s so much easier to connect with, and he’s head over heels with how much I take care of him. He listens to what I need without me having to say much at all. I could absolutely see myself marrying this guy; that under layer of doubt and insecurity is absent.

Eta: Ex came out of the woodwork last few weeks to beg for me back. Hope the experience helps him value the next woman who comes into his life. :/

SentientApe · 2018-12-28T22:54:23+00:00

From a guy who has spent years dealing with emotional definition issues, I explained it like this to my female friend: Men have emotions, just as much as women. The best way to think about it is that we haven't spent as much of our lives, mental energy, defining them. So when we are asked to explain how we feel, please allow some latitude and time for us to formalize them. The best analogy is colors; men see blues, greens, etc and women will define them into sub catagories much quicker and easier.

We do have feelings, we just don't always know how to label them properly and we can't always express them to the same precision as women do. (What seems like a simple question for an experienced feeler, may be a fear inducing one to who isn't)

My advice:. Ask him his intentions, in a broad sense (looking for a LTR or looking for rebound help)? Give him a timeframe to answer, like 2-3 weeks. Tell him you'll still be available for dating, but you do expect some form of an answer at the end of that time.

At the end he may not be able to give you one, but at least you are presenting it in a timeframe that allows for him to formulate a response. Let him know your decision to continue is based partially on his response, partially on your analysis of the relationship, etc, etc.

RareRedDietitian · 2018-12-28T15:06:11+00:00

Yes. Yes. And yes. It seems like ALL the men I get into relationships with are emotionally unavailable. It always ends badly.

That being said, my current BF of a year is that way also. He regularly pulls away, gets distant, ignores me, is very insecure. When I call him on it he returns, usually makes me feel less insecure myself about what he’s doing, and starts showing up in the relationship again. It happens almost like PMS. He doesn’t think therapy will help him and he has a horrible relationship with his mom.

I’m very aware of the limitations of our relationship and I’m okay with it this time, for now, because I’m older and have no plans to remarry. But if I were a younger women looking for something that will last I’d not be in this relationship.

hiraethdawn · 2018-12-28T16:49:56+00:00

My boyfriend right now is like this. I can tell he's really trying but it seems to be against his nature to allow himself to be vulnerable. He understands what my needs are, and I can see him trying so hard, but it never feels like it's something he really WANTS, which hurts a lot. It's torture because I have an anxious attachment style and I am genuinely in love with him.

I don't want to end things so I'm working very hard on understanding him and not internalizing it when he is distant or short with me, to mixed results. I cried on Christmas because he is away with his family and didn't speak to me once all day or call me until late that night, and he clearly just did it out of obligation. I can't imagine NOT wanting to speak to your SO on Christmas so it's hard to get inside that frame of mind and not feel rejected and needy.

Bored_Schoolgirl · 2018-12-28T19:58:47+00:00

I too thought it was worth it... For three years; but it was unstable, we were both compatible sexually and constantly flirt a lot but socially and emotionally? Socially dead. It was great when we can connect but those are short lived.

It's not worth it, it felt like I was in a relationship with a wall. Try as he might, he ALWAYS hits a wall emotionally and socially. Unless he gets help for his emotional unavailability whether be it from childhood neglect or what (because I know I will) it's not going to be fulfilling.

If you find yourself with emotionally unavailable men, chances are you have problems too. For me, it was clinginess and neediness.

It was so hard to pull away...

idefyyoustars_ · 2018-12-28T15:55:28+00:00

The last few of my relationships have ended due to emotionally unavailable men. Like you, my recent ex had a strict, controlling childhood and he also got his heart broken by an ex. So he was never able to fully open up to me because he was still harbouring old feelings for her. I had to walk because it felt like we couldn’t connect in a deeper level. Although I loved him and this break up has really shaken my confidence I’m hopeful I will find someone who is more compatible with me.

My advice is to stay away from emotionally unavailable men, especially if you have an anxious attachment style (which I do).

Thanks for posting this btw.

powertothemonsters · 2018-12-29T13:38:12+00:00

Quote from college frat boy I’d been sleeping with for a year and a half - right after a round of intense sex at my place, we were walking to a concert. The street was dark and there was no one around. I tried to hold his hand, then he said “I don’t like holding hands and PDA because girls didn’t like me in middle school.”

SarahG321 · 2018-12-29T20:21:42+00:00

This can be a tricky paradox and a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you're truly torn about something, it's usually because you don't have enough information yet...

Instead of labeling yourselves (labels can be very big and confusing), here's another perspective...

When we start to have doubts, we pull back. Then, the other person senses this and they pull back too. Now you have what appears to be two emotionally unavailable people.

So, what can you do about it?

You stay fully involved (present/in the moment when you're with the person), while not becoming invested (worrying about the future). You take it one day at a time, but make those days count. Don't make it some sort of personality test, stay in the moment, be light, etc. If he asks about the future, and you're still not sure, you can be honest with him and tell him you're not sure about long term, but you are really enjoying the time you spend together (if that's true).
I think, in time, you'll know. And, if your knowing comes from a space of clarity (instead of wracking your brain for a decision), it could be a whole lot better for all involved.

Just some thoughts. HTH.

Gina_Maria_S · 2018-12-29T20:55:43+00:00

Well, understanding how long you both have been together firstly? And second, how long is he distant for? Hours, days Men are not designed to be emotionally vulnerable, our brains don’t react and work the same way. Some men are more emotional depending on their upbringing. If he is absent that is different, if he isn’t a conversationalist or want to talk about feelings, that is completely different too. You need to be more specific.

classylassy28 · 2018-12-28T19:23:59+00:00

If he is really worth it maybe get him to see a therapist. You may not stay together but people with emotional issues and traumas, especially linked to childhood need professional help.

Title	Emotionally unavailable men
Author	Kchri136
Upvotes	25
Comments	52
Date	December 28, 2018 2:31 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/aaarj7/emotionally_unavailable_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/emotionally-unavailable-men.68020 https://theredarchive.com/post/68020

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