this honestly just makes me sad...

EDIT: i posted this and didn’t come back until today. i’m overwhelmed by the support and it honestly really fucking infuriates me to read that so many people can relate. i wish no one could relate. thank you so much for all of your kindness. i was crying out of hurt but also happiness that i’m not in this situation anymore when i wrote this post, but i’m crying again from the amount of reassurance and warmth y’all have given me. you guys are amazing.

before i lost my virginity i masturbated a lot, fantasizing about how passionate it can be and how good it would feel doing it with someone you love.

my first time was with my first boyfriend when i was 18. at that moment we loved each other but we broke up and i learned through therapy that he was incredibly abusive.

sex with him was a chore. it was painful and to me it felt like something i had to do. he refused to wear condoms so i had to go on the pill. he refused to use lube and i was in so much pain in the beginning. we ended up using it a few times but he claimed it felt better without so we gave it up and i continued to experience pain.

for some reason after having sex for the first few times all my fantasies and expectations faded and along with being on the pill i came to have a lower sex drive. i also never finished or even came close. he had a higher sex drive but he didn’t respect that i wasn’t like him.

for example he’d want me to give him a blowjob in the public bathroom because he was horny at the mall, but i would be really exhausted and quite in a down mood because he was blaming me for something i couldn’t control. but believing it was my duty to please him, i would attempt to suck him or jerk him off and when i couldn’t do a good job because i was tired, he tried to go inside me instead. i was too dry for him to. he was upset, walked off, refused to hold my hand, and i had to come chasing after him begging for his forgiveness that i couldn’t please him.

sometimes he’d push my head down too far and hold me down there when i sucked his dick and my eyes would water and my throat would hurt and i’d make noises and pull back to resist and he’d say “sorry, it just feels too good”.

then he’d get upset about how i can’t deep throat. he’d mock me and shit.

he did the same for when it’d hurt too much for me to handle when he’s inside. he’d keep going and say that same shit “sorry it just feels too good”.

he left me. then i got on tinder. a tinder date pressured me to have my first ever drink be with him.

i’m short and asian so it’s no surprise i have really low tolerance. i was really drunk and he decided to take advantage of me. i knew what was going on but i had that mentality that this is what i’m for. i’m a woman, with boobs, ass, and pussy and it’s there to please him.

he choked me, fucked me, whatever he wanted. i just laid there. he asked to suck his dick or jerk him off but i gave no response at all so he fucked me instead. twice.

my makeup was smudged from the tears.

im 19 now, started dating someone new a couple months ago and when we started talking about having sex together i was scared. our first time was intimidating but he was so slow, patient, and attentive. it hurt in the beginning and he could tell i was in pain and so he made sure to give me time to actually get turned on. he wanted to make ME feel good. he didn’t care if he felt good if it meant i didn’t feel good.

and for the first time, sex was painless.

but it wasn’t perfect. if he laid too much weight on my chest i freaked out and pushed him off because it reminded me of my tinder date choking me. we tried having drunk sex and i had a panic attack because i felt afraid all of the sudden. he held me and assured me i don’t have to have sex if i don’t want to, not now and not ever. sometimes i’d just not be feeling it and he’d be okay with it and hold me instead. or even, i’d be feeling and he wouldn’t and we’d just cuddle.

slowly, i started to feel turned on with him. i WANT to have sex with him. i have never been so wet before. and penetration fucking feels good. i even am on top, and i’m in control and that feels fucking amazing. he tells me he loves me while we have sex, we hold each other before and after, and he makes me feel sexy, confident, and safe.

this is how it was supposed to be. even if i’m not finishing, i shouldn’t have to be in pain or feel pressured. i’m so surprised at myself for being the one initiating half the time as well. this isn’t special, it’s supposed to be normal.

i just wanted to share and let others who might’ve been in the same situation as me that sex should not hurt. aside actual health issues, you should not be in pain. physically and emotionally. it’s supposed to be good. even if none of you finish, it’s supposed to be this connection that you feel with each other, amplified physically haha. so..don’t ever blame yourself or force yourself.