The standout thing I want to mention to FDS ladies that surprised me was the issue of counselling and psychotherapy. Often I see in this sub condemnation of awful behaviour by abusive or LVM and comments saying that what is needed is for the man to get ‘therapy’. “These men need therapy” “I want to see more men in therapy” “To LVM: Work on yourself, get into therapy” etc etc.

Surprisingly, Lundy Bancroft’s book explains how therapy does not help abusive men change their abusive behaviour, but can actually make it worse by giving him excuses to justify his actions. Bancroft clearly explains that going to counselling can further entrench the attitudes that the abusive man has which are driving his behaviour, mainly his entitlement to superiority over women. It seems to give him a legitimate excuse for acting in an abusive way.

Also a common myth is that his abuse is a result of personal issues that he has not resolved or of past ‘trauma’. Bancroft shows that this is not connected to his abusiveness and while growing up with an abusive Father or family does make it more likely for the man to become an abuser himself, the reason is not unresolved trauma, but actually learned attitudes and copied behaviour. Growing up seeing women mistreated by men and no consequences for the man teaches him that he can also act this way, and also that he may be able to benefit from this behaviour.

I really recommend the book because it shows that abuse is driven by societal attitudes and lack of consequences for men protected by patriarchy; it affects us all and is something we should all be aware of and fighting to change. 💪