Feeling depressed & low self-esteem, how do I maintain becoming a more HVW?

alanonhelp777 · 2020-01-06T23:22:57+00:00

Kudos to you for not falling into the default life your family laid out for you. You are right that it does not have to be all marriage and kids for you to be happy and successful. ALSO, there’s nothing wrong with wanting marriage and kids on your own terms with a loving partner.

When people learn early that they have to love their abusers and repeatedly forgive them, it can create codependent behaviors. I am 100% one of these people. I’ve found r/codependency a great resource. Obviously idk if you are codependent, but it’s worth looking at.

As others have said, I would strongly encourage you to seek counseling. Childhood trauma is something you don’t ever just, “get over.” But you CAN heal with help. I hope you seek it.

grimreapersdtr · 2020-01-07T01:14:06+00:00

Are you me? Seriously. This is uncanny. About me: 34/F, no kids, single, middle child of 5, staunch Mormon upbringing, abused by older brother (and his friends), my bishop blamed me for all of it and told I was impure and that was the reason I had low self esteem, all my siblings are in apparently healthy, long lasting relationships with happy families. As for myself, I also just got out of a toxic relationship, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still love him. This religion BREEDS codependency on women and abuse victims. I’ve been out of the church since I was 18...so many things are still stuck in me too. Like how my value is based on having children and a husband. Or being more than willing to forgive someone’s abusive behavior and always look for the best in them, love them unconditionally, even tho they never will return that to you. This is so hard and recovering from this religion is no joke. I’m so sorry that we both had to go thru this 😣 Thank goodness for this sub tho. I would never have learned these things otherwise and I’m beginning the journey of thinking more highly of myself and wanting more, and knowing that’s ok. I’m right there with you girl, just starting out❤️

letsberealforamoment · 2020-01-07T01:53:56+00:00

I grew up in a rural, Catholic family. I was married at 22. Then again at 37. I am 44 now and single for the first time in 26 years.

I understand the larger social pressure, sense of failure, and the flawed desire to seek security, fulfilment and identity via marriage to a man.

It's. Bullshit.

Anytime i fall into that flawed thinking, I go the marriage subreddit and read the avalanche of posts about women married to manchildren. For the majority of women, that is what we will end up with: a MANCHILD. We will be doing all the work j the marriage. In the home. With the kids. As the old saying goes, a man works from sunrise to sundown....but a woman's work is never done. Well no shit espexially when simply having a husband is its.own job. Fuck that.

It's just the devil whispering in your ear. Just tell him to shut up, and move on with your fine selves.

rftw2013 · 2020-01-06T23:11:01+00:00

Sis, I commend you for striving to be better. You're already on your way.

Ask yourself what your idea life is. Set out to build that. What does it include, where do you live, what sort of work do you do, what do you do in your spare time?

Build that! Find others who like to do what you do. I wanted to be more social with active people, so I just joined a running club. Meetup.com has groups for literally every kind of interest. But I think you need to pause, ask yourself what you really want, and then design your life from there.

SureEmployment4 · 2020-01-06T23:14:54+00:00

First and foremost, find a good therapist. Easier said than done, so start this search early.

Start practicing meditation and mindfulness. Read! Learn about nutrition- what you put into your body has a huge effect on your brain/emotional well-being.

This will be a good foundation. I think a lot of people have a hard time doing the things they used to love, working out and investing in themselves when their mind isn’t in the right space.

Most importantly take it one day at a time. You don’t have to do these things all at once. It can feel overwhelming trying to make these changes, but you have to understand you won’t find an overnight fix. This is going to take consistency and discipline.

spotsandstripes9 · 2020-01-07T00:22:37+00:00

Yoooo...so I was raised in very much the same type of family - my parents were “progressive” muslims, which is still super strict about modesty even if I didn’t have to wear a head scarf. I’m going to PM you!

grimreapersdtr · 2020-01-07T07:06:49+00:00

I wasn't raised mormon, but I am certain that large families are breeding grounds for abuse, particularly abuse towards female children (who are often devalued in large families unless they are the primary mothers-by-proxy).

typicalpersian · 2020-01-06T23:05:55+00:00

Do you see a therapist regularly?

ketobae87 · 2020-01-07T05:04:46+00:00

How can I message you?

Title	Feeling depressed & low self-esteem, how do I maintain becoming a more HVW?
Author	YourMomsNameIsLinda
Upvotes	77
Comments	22
Date	January 6, 2020 10:45 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/el1rba/feeling_depressed_low_selfesteem_how_do_i/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/feeling-depressed-low-self-esteem-how-do-i.685418 https://theredarchive.com/post/685418

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