How do you improve yourself as a HVW?

virginiadancer · 2019-12-26T16:50:07+00:00

When I first started in undergrad, I asked a similar question to my older (35+) lady friends. This is the answer I received, and my results:

To begin: try beginner classes in a ton of different sports, hobbies, projects, volunteer groups, or clubs.

Next: Pick 2-3 that you really enjoy. Commit yourself for a solid year.

End goal: Of the 2 or 3, decide which one you enjoy the best and make that a primary hobby. Rinse and repeat until you have a number of well cultivated interests and expertise in them.

The result will not only be finding a passion but also meeting other interesting people who share this. I am a competitive rider, an accomplished Latin dancer, and a polyglot (I speak 4 languages). Every few years I pick up side interests and my two most recent are target shooting and TIG welding. I suck at both, but I can talk about it and I have developed some new friendships, so it's a win.

The key is being ok feeling uncomfortable. Beginners are learning, so theres alot of trial and error (I dont like calling it failure). I mess up alot. I make mistakes alot. But the opportunity for self- improvement and the feeling that you've accomplished something difficult is really amazing.

Results: I have loads of friends into all sorts of things- super lowbrow and super luxe. Queens come in all forms and have wide ranging interests. I believe I have the best collection of badass lady friends all over the world. Interesting people attract each other.

Downside: I emasculate men. Upside: The LVM avoid me like the plague. Win-win for everyone.

turquoiseblues · 2019-12-26T17:04:14+00:00

[deleted]

stillcantsee · 2019-12-26T16:02:23+00:00

Be interesting. Have more to talk about than the latest Kardashian fiasco. Do you have hobbies? Cool. Do those AND find some new ones! Do you like to draw? Why not keep it artsy but now...paint! (Just an example but you catch my drift)

Have passions. What are your convictions? How do you put them into practice? If you’re an animal lover, take it a step further and go volunteer.

IMO a big part of being a HVW is knowing what your strengths are (and playing to them) while knowing your blind spots (and working on them!). Self awareness without action isn’t an option.

jackrusselterror1 · 2019-12-26T18:08:04+00:00

No advice for skin care or makeup(just leaving a reminder to myself to check back for tips on this. I use pretty basic products for makeup and skincare). For hair care, I have type 2C curly hair, so my hair care routine is really only good for people with hair like mine. I use a large comb to detangle before I take a shower, and I shower daily against curly girl advice because my hair volume deflates the second day and looks flat and sad. I use Lush Fairly Traded Honey shampoo or Curly Wurly shampoo, then American Cream conditioner. I also like DevaCurl as a brand, and Not Your Mother’s is okay for the price but not too conditioning. I use a diffuser to dry my hair, and I have a coconut oil mousse (Biosilk) that I use to scrunch and form my curls properly. I almost always wear my hair down because it’s my favorite thing about my looks. I also go to the salon to get my hair dyed around every two months: I'm naturally at a medium brown color that has some red tint to it, but I like how strawberry blonde and honey blonde looks on me, and chocolate brown with cherry highlights is usually my fall/winter look.
Yes, I cook for myself. I’ve been cooking meals since I was eight, a meal a week until I was a teenager, then 2-4 family dinners a week until I moved out at 18, then daily for ten years plus now. Honestly this is a skill any adult should have, I highly recommend working on learning basic nutritious meals. Your wallet will thank you, and I promise you can learn to make nearly anything healthier than you can buy prepared or at a resturaunt (though yes, I still love going out to eat and I love tacos and hot wings more than I should). I use the grill a lot until it gets too cold (shrimp foil packs, grilled chicken for salads or main dishes, occasionally steak, kabobs, etc), and everything comes together quickly that way. Seafood in general cooks fast. For meals I try to do protein+sauce+veggie+carb. carbs are optional but pull together a meal nicely. an example would be pesto grilled shrimp over pasta (I’d usually have veggies in the sauce as well, so onions/artichokes/tomato/mushrooms/spinach would find their way onto my plate) with roasted asparagus or a caprese salad. Takes under 30 minutes from start to finish. I'm not a breakfast person and smoothies are about all I can handle until lunch. I drink a majority of my vitamins this way. Lunches are usually soups that I make earlier in the week, which i meal prep for, with either a salad or a sub. Think tomato basil soup + turkey and pepper jack on rye or Greek salad with grilled chicken + lemon chicken orzo soup. Or I do leftovers from earlier in the week. Taco bowls are easy to make and super cheap so they're basically a staple for me.
Hair style: down and naturally curly. My hair is four inches below my shoulders and my goal is to get it to my elbows. I will braid it or wear it in a ponytail at work, since it’s not recommended to have long hair unsecured in my job.
Nails: do what you like on this. If you think the salon is worth it and you enjoy the experience, go for it. Only other women will likely notice your nails.
Anything Andrea Dworkin wrote. Right Wing Women is particularly good. I also recommend Virginia Wolf.
Getting more into radical feminism. I make an effort to seek out female authors, musicians, and entertainers; maintain connections with female friends and family, volunteer for domestic violence shelters.
I used to read around two books a week when I was in college due to my commute (1h30min one way, 6 days a week). I like dystopian novels, sci-fi, fantasy, and thrillers. I’m a huge fan of Gillian Flynn. I listen to alternative/indie/punk/rock artists who started in the 90s and 2000s mostly- my teenage self would be thrilled that I only slightly evolved since then, I now listen to R&B, Jazz, and pop.
I have in my career.
Nurturing friendships: I have a core group of friends that I get together with at least twice a month, usually once a week, for girl’s nights. We also call each other once a week or so, and I go weekend trips with them twice a year. We’ve done two girls vacations. Most of my friends are married but without kids or single so things will likely change when they have kids. My best friend has three children, and I maintain that friendship by babysitting semi-frequently and bringing over home cooked food. Making friends: join activities/meet up groups, join a for-fun sports team (kickball usually is not taken seriously).

spotsandstripes9 · 2019-12-26T20:36:43+00:00

The biggest thing for me has been working through my insecurity and recognizing all the ways I was sabotaging myself. I was a major ”cool girl” in college, but after I got into radical feminism I dropped some of the pickmeisha behaviors without really getting to the root of my insecurity.

Obviously, this process of working on my self esteem is unique to me, but maybe this list will help someone else. My main issues were caused by lacking a healthy sense of self which I tried to make up for with external validation:

learning how to set boundaries
stopping myself from oversharing
digging into my emotional/mental issues caused by my parents
cutting out my people pleaser behaviors, and not basing my value off of whether people like me. This has had a huge impact on how I carry myself and how charming I seem in conversations - instead of trying to “win” conversations by being the funniest person there, interrupting people or getting upset if people don’t notice me, I actually try to listen to other people
being more proactive in my friendships and at work. not holding back and telling friends if I really care about them, appreciate their advice, etc
realizing that I had been fighting my own feminine energy by trying to be “one of the guys”. For some reason, even though I really wanted to be seen and noticed, I was also terrified of people looking too close. I would fight being warm in social situations, especially if I could sense some degree of chemistry. Deep down, I really love being sweet towards family and close female friends, but I used to fight it because...idk I wanted to seem stoic? I can’t even explain where this roadblock was coming from.
working through my own internalized misogyny. I used to think that I hated feminine clothes and preferred a more androgynous style, but it turns out this was just due to my Muslim parents body shaming me
looking at how many good habits that I stupidly dismissed as “girly”, like being organized, keeping my house clean, looking put together and dressing up for fun

Now that I’ve made some progress working through my insecurity, I’m trying to figure out my new style and what my new self, independent of external validation, actually is. So this means figuring out what my values are, especially the things I’m not willing to compromise in friendships or relationships. I know I come across as more put-together, feminine, and mature. If you want more detailed tips for femininity stuff, look up Adrienne Everheart and Mrs.Midwest on YouTube - I wouldn’t say I agree with all of their viewpoints, but now that I have a better idea of the type of adult I want to be, it’s easy to pick and choose what fits my self-image.

Hope this helps! I don’t think I would have figured these issues out if I didn’t really work through my emotional problems that started from childhood. Look up childhood emotional neglect, that was what made it click for me! Also, if you’re like me, chances are you have a problem with trying to analyze your feelings instead of just, ya know, feeling them and allowing yourself to feel sad, hurt etc. I’ve been using feminist spirituality and Jungian psychology/shadow work, but if that’s not your thing I’m sure that traditional therapy would also work.

zolbutrin · 2019-12-26T16:44:35+00:00

note about skin care: rely on modern medicine instead of investing in expensive over the counter products

consider an estrogen containing oral birth control pill, especially if your acne tends to be cyclic (IUDs and other progesterone only forms of birth control are not good at controlling acne!)
Get a prescription for Epiduo (even if you don't get acne, topical retinoid products will drastically improve your complexion!)
Or if your acne is really bad, low dose accutane
oh and moisturize, use sunscreen, and don't smoke!

the majority of upvoted info on r/skincareaddiction is great, evidence-based advice!

Haltthemoon · 2019-12-27T00:15:16+00:00

Hey! I have a few things to hopefully answer your questions. I am in my 30s and really wished I asked these questions when I was younger. It's a great thing you're starting early!

What is your face routine like?
1. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS wear sunscreen no matter where you live! I neglected this in my 20s when I lived in Southern California. Huge mistake because now I am getting freckles and sunspots that are hard to remove. Depends on how much you want to invest, I'd highly recommend finding a dermatologist that you can trust and ask which brands they'd recommend. There are so many on the market, however, it's important to have a professional guide you through what works for your skin type and ethnicity. I really like https://radicalskincare.com/products/skin-perfecting-screen-spf-30/ and https://deciem.com/product/rdn-mineral-uv-filters-spf-30-with-antioxidants-50ml
2. MOISTURIZE - this is also important. Find out what skin type you have first. Then, look for a moisturizer that works. You can either put it on at night or day time or both.
3. Makeup remover - I'd recommend finding a high-end makeup remover. Don't use the makeup remover sheets. They are really bad for the environment.
4. Cleanser - this should be coupled with the makeup remover to ensure you've removed your makeup and any leftover stuff from the day.
5. Nourishing serums - this one is a tough one because everyone is different. Find out your skin type and what it needs to supplement with the right kind of serums.
6. Masks - it's a pampered feeling to do some masks. I find that most Korean brands are very good.
7. Eye cream - good for puffiness, anti-aging, and moisturization
Did you learn to cook for yourself?
1. Yes, I learned how to cook while I was in college. Start very small. Do you know how to make a boiled egg? If not, look it up. Do you know how to make scrambled eggs? Do you know how to cook chicken breast? Ask yourself very basic questions and see what you're able to do or not. Then, use the magic of YouTube. For example, it took me a long time but I figured out it takes about 7 minutes to boil an egg to the perfection I like. Also, don't put the egg in the water until it actually boils. Now, did I make mistakes getting there? Hell yes. In college, I put an egg in the microwave and it exploded, unsurprisingly.
2. Learn how to make very basic stuff like cooking meats and vegetables.
3. Learn about making sauces. They are the key to making your meals taste good since, on a daily basis, you will most likely just have time to cook a protein, vegetable and possibly carbs. https://www.bonappetit.com/gallery/healthy-sauce-recipes
4. Try new foods. As you're learning how to cook, you're going to see ingredients on recipes that you mostly are not familiar. Don't get intimated. Also, don't buy those ingredients just to make 1 recipe. Stick to what you are comfortable even if it's just salt, pepper, sugar and cooking oil.
5. Once you've got the basic skills, you'll love to cook. The key is to start very small so that you're not overwhelming yourself. https://www.cookinglight.com/cooking-101/12-cooking-skills-every-young-adult-should-learn
How do you style your hair on a daily basis?
1. Depends on how long you like to keep your hair. I currently have very long hair. I am very low maintenance with hair since I am not a morning person and I do not like dedicating time to doing my hair. I just blow dry with a metal round brush. It gives me very wavy curls. I think the best way to look at this is to figure out how much effort and time you are looking to put into getting ready. Also, find a great hairstylist and ask him/her for tips to getting ready in the morning. My hairstylist showed me how to blow dry my hair with the metal round brush and it changed my life because it's low effort and with styling creme, it holds for a few days.
Nails? Should I go to a salon every time?
1. Do you like having long nails? Do you like having real or fake nails? Do you like having your nails done all the time?
2. I typically go to the salon to get pampered but not just to do a mani and pedi.
3. The salon trips can add up. If you can budget it, add it to your monthly spending budget.
What books should I read, as a woman in my twenties? (I'm 21) How to learn more about finances and other adult-ish stuff as well?
1. https://www.amazon.com/How-Women-Rise-Holding-Promotion/dp/0316440124
2. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0071771328/
3. https://www.amazon.com/No-Hard-Feelings-Embracing-Emotions/dp/0525533834/
4. https://www.amazon.com/Step-Into-Your-Power-lessons/dp/1786035863/
5. https://www.amazon.com/Start-Where-You-Are-Compassionate/dp/161180597X/
6. This is a very important book to understand you as a female from a female sexual perspective https://www.amazon.com/Female-Ejaculation-G-Spot-Deborah-Sundahl/dp/0897937023
7. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0197SJP2O/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_d_asin_title_o00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
8. https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Me-Progress-Brainstorm-Creative/dp/0399559159

pinkyberries · 2019-12-26T15:29:15+00:00

How to improve yourself can be found at r/Vindicta, they have good tips. If you're on a budget then r/EatCheapAndHealthy would fit you. You can also google up random recipes on the internet, if you follow them correctly then it will most likely be a success.

Styling your hair is important but if you curl it or straighten it too much it will be burnt and lifeless. Give your hair some rest sometimes.

If your nails break easily then get acrylics or keep them short, depends on what you like more and according to your budget of course, if you have the dime then go for it!

For books you can just read the comments in this post https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/dymgbq/lets_talk_books_best_books_you_have_read_that/

I used to have negative thoughts and a negative self image, you need to remember you are the prize, not him.

You make new friends by going to places like university or a new yoga class, join a book club.

On another note, you should probably delete your description of yourself because you might get messages from lurkers, learning how to dress according to your body shape to make it flattering is also very important and adds points to your looks, i like to dress elegant (skirts, dresses) and bright colors rather than dark colors. To get more hobbies try new stuff and see what you like, good luck and remember to focus on your career and job rather than on dating.

fanofswords · 2019-12-27T16:28:29+00:00

Yes. This. I think a lot of us younger women here are trying to figure out how to be high value. Even if just to ourselves. Forget men for a minute, they are so much work, how can we all become women we are proud of. I want to learn this and lib. Feminism doesn't teach it because todays pop feminisn is all about giving everyone high fivea for existing.

2019-12-27T02:29:48+00:00

I need this help pls.

Title	How do you improve yourself as a HVW?
Author	yeontanw
Upvotes	35
Comments	30
Date	December 26, 2019 2:43 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/efw69s/how_do_you_improve_yourself_as_a_hvw/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-you-improve-yourself-as-a-hvw.694865 https://theredarchive.com/post/694865

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