Dating inexperience

aquietsword · 2021-01-15T22:48:11+00:00

I can't address everything I want to right now, but I'll give you the strategy I'd use if I were you. 1. Stick to brunch dates and lunch dates. In your specific case I would think daytime coffee dates might be ok because you don't need to look for a HVM right away, for me the first step would be to build your experience. For a lot of us these crap dates are part of the experience that builds intuition on when things are off about a guy. 2. Journal about your dates. Sometimes you aren't even positive of what your boundaries are, or you brush off a red flag that came up in conversation because it was framed as a "joke". Journaling gives you some space and time to reflect on what happened and how you feel about it. 3. Keep going and keep incorporating your experiences into how you vet dates for a while before getting into the idea of a relationship. Not going past 2 dates with one person is probably safest while you get comfortable with dating.

honeybeeroll · 2021-01-16T01:51:48+00:00

I put a lot of pressure on myself but I think it is a “red flag” that I never had a bf which has led me to make bad decisions with men that I am still ashamed of

I am the same age as you, and went through something incredibly similar 3 years ago. Your "feeling lonely and what is wrong with me" hit home too, I used to feel exactly like that, and I made decisions I'm forever going to be ashamed of, all because of this stupid pressure I put on myself.

First let me say there is NOTHING wrong with you for not having dated much or never having a bf. Tbh, you have not missed out. Many women here have had several bfs, and all of them were LVM or downright abusive. There are women older than you who make poor decisions about men all the time. Take a look at the relationship and dating subs to see what I mean.

I see you talk a lot about not trusting your judgment. Hanging out on this sub is a good start to learn how to be more sharp about men. Check it often, you will absorb it quickly and see LV behavior quickly. As others suggested, journal about your dates after them. This will allow you to examine your date's behavior w/ a critical eye, w/o the influence of nerves or butterflies. Then can you assess "wait, was that actually a good date, or was I ignoring things cuz he looks cute?"

However, dating is just one aspect of life. How do you feel about your judgment in life as a whole? How confident are you in making decisions at work? In day to day life? Major decisions about where to live for ex? Do you always feel the need to ask others what they think of your decisions?

I ask because while we have ALL had to gain experience with men to overcome our naivete, our mistrust of our judgment with them sometimes is because we don't have confidence in our decision making as a whole, not just in dating.

I recommend you do not date until you:

1) truly obliterate your belief that there's something wrong with you for never having dated. It is NOT true!!! You know what my friend sent me when I used to think this? A gif of that scene in Mulan, where after her failure with the matchmaker, her father puts a late blossoming flower in her hair and says "This one's late. But I'll bet that when it blooms, it will be the most beautiful of all." It's the truth. Would you say a rose is ugly just because it bloomed late in the season? Never. You'd be happy it was there actually, because it was unexpected, it came after you thought the time for beautiful flowers had passed. That's you. You need to believe you're that special. Daily affirmations are a way to start this. It will feel silly at first to hype yourself up. But after a while, the negative thoughts about yourself that are with you constantly become less and less powerful.

2) truly believe you're better off going solo than spending time with an LVM

3) feel confident and empowered in your ability to make good decisions in all areas of life. You have to believe "even if i don't have a lot of firsthand experience with men, I have prepared as best as I can, and have some approaches and tactics ready by which to measure their behavior, and make informed decisions." Of course you can't plan for everything life throws at you. But preparing yourself, and having tactics and support systems to deal with what it throws at you is smart and the best we can all do

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-01-15T23:00:18+00:00

Great advice above about journaling. I would also like to add, don’t tell men you are inexperienced and don’t tell them you’re a virgin. Men love to exploit any woman they think is more vulnerable and will use that against you to make you feel like a prude or creepily fetishize it which is just as bad. Your inexperience is none of their business. Go on some casual dates without the pressure of looking for a boyfriend and pay attention to your boundaries as they are pushed. Just because you haven’t tried something doesn’t mean you can’t have a boundary about it.

fckinengaged19times · 2021-01-15T22:47:11+00:00

I’m 27 and in the same position as you except I’m still in college. I’d like some advice as well!

pickadaisy · 2021-01-16T00:40:27+00:00

The truth is that most of us here learned the wrong things from our experience. If anything your clean slate mixed with FDS gives you super powers!

Never underestimate your innate wisdom as a woman.

SoftieCactus · 2021-01-16T00:55:01+00:00

I would work on building up a friend circle and taking care of your mental health before getting into dating. I bet you could find some meet ups online (through a church maybe, or meetup.com for hobbies), or do a community education class. That way you'll have a better support network and things to fall back on if the date goes poorly.

stronger_smarter_ · 2021-01-16T03:19:40+00:00

It's not too late! You are almost definitely more independent and more yourself than you were when you were younger, and also than you would be if you'd wasted time tied to LVM for the past 8-10 years. Now is a time when you're more likely to meet someone who really aligns with your goals. Go on some dates at first with the intention of just gaining experience, meet lots of people, and then you can start figuring out what you really want. You have time. It's not too late. Repeat that to yourself until you believe it, because it's true.

Depression is a beast, and I'm sorry you're struggling. A lot of insurance companies are making it affordable to try tele-therapy during COVID. If that's not doable for you, maybe try meditation or whatever works for you to ground yourself and start feeling a little better. It is SO hard to maintain standards and keep your head held high as a woman in today's society in general -- and even harder if you're under the cloud of depression.

P.S. The person I slept with for the first time had no idea I was a virgin - before OR after. I was also a little older than average. I have 0 regrets about any of it.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-01-16T11:20:42+00:00

what can help you is not necessarily dating more... it has to be your self-esteem. if you constantly improve on that you can't help but realize that there is only a very small amount of men worthy of your time actually.

this is the advice I would give myself.

I made the "mistakes" so to speak. I too started dating later - after graduating uni, actually. and I had no friends and family support in the dating area and no healthy model relationship to look up to! for all the education I got and all the reading I did, I was very unprepared, mostly because I didn't study what mattered.

this is why I chose all the wrong men for myself! I had: no sisterhood support, no maternal figure to trust, no self-esteem where it counted. I was well educated, ambitious but I had lots of doubts concerning my actual worth. I was an overachiever as a kid and later a student. I wanted to believe that things were easy and if you were a good and honest person, you will meet a good and honest person and you will hit it off into the sunset. haha! I actually wanted to believe that so much that I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and I have been hurt indiscriminately by both men and women. I was very naive and I held many illusions regarding relationships and "love".

did it hurt me? yes! I did learn from it, though!

if I were to give advice to myself, I would say:

-read all there is to read on relationship psychology!

-see whether there is codependent behaviour in yourself

-check your self-esteem

-do you feel like you need male validation and you jump to attention from any guy? (that used to be my weak points)

- write down what you want and what you will never tolerate

-take it very slowly! do not rush into things to make up for "lost time" or other idiocy like that

-start adhering to some radical feminism standards. do not tolerate anything less than that.

-start talking about your status as "self partnered" rather than single. you are whole and you do not "need" a man, actually.

-only date with a specific goal in mind: do you want marriage? do you want kids? what do you want? if he can give you only hookups and you actually want a life partner, you have the right to say no!

-brush off anything that isn't in alignment with what you are and what you want.

hugs to you! also, virginity is a sexual construct. virginity is not something that can be seen or felt... I mean, with no intention for TMI, when I had sex for the very first time, I didn't tell the guy that I just wanted to enjoy myself and be pleasured. I even told him that I want an orgasm and I would not settle for anything less. it was pretty great. only later I told him it was my first time. he looked at me incredulously, though. but at least I didn't get bad sex with him.

IIIMochiIII · 2021-01-16T09:38:31+00:00

As a fellow Asian I'd also like to add please be careful! Especially if you're not currently living in Asia because you will be fetishized and a lot of men want to 'try an Asian' at some point. As an Asian female in her first year college in Europe (and dorming) one of the most common things that have been said to me include "oh your Thai right? That means you're always down for a good time" or "I'm interested, I've never been with an Asian before". Im hoping this is more prevalent for guys ranging from 18-late 20s but I have the feeling that its common for all age ranges. So happy I've found FDS. Take it one step at a time :)

dystopiadream · 2021-01-16T10:22:57+00:00

As someone who also grew up in a strict and sheltered south asian household I can relate to some parts of what you've said. I used to feel the same way when I was in my mid twenties having not exactly 'dated' but as I've approached my late twenties in a way I'm sort of glad I didn't. These past few years have shown me that modern day dating is just twice and hard and unrewarding for the most part. But now that I'm a little older I feel like I can atleast judge and understand people better overall so it has helped me navigate through it all a bit better. I was glad I focused on my studies and everything and wasn't bogged down wondering if a random dude was going to text me or not because i'm an overthinker and it would've pretty much made me miserable. Your inexperience isn't going to make it more difficult because it already is and finding one good man is like finding a needle in a haystack. So focus on becoming more confident in yourself. Surround yourself with good friends and family. And don't make dating specifically your #1 priority. Men can see lack of confidence and neediness from a mile away and they know how to use it well too. The less you overthink about dating and men in general 24x7 the better you'll be able to approach the scene and only when you feel ready. Good luck!

2021-01-15T22:42:17+00:00

I was also a late bloomer. Never had a proper date or boyfriend until I was 26 and didn't have sex until then.

Right now is not a great time for dating. Men on OLD tend to be more needy than normal. But now can be a good time for practicing in setting boundaries and figuring out what your standards are.

Have you written down your standards and boundaries? What are your deal breakers? Knowing is half of the battle because so many people struggle with this because they don't know what they're looking for.

When I started dating I found the OLD app in question didn't make a ton of difference but it made some. Dating apps geared towards long term relationships (Coffee Meets Bagel, Hinge) tended to be better than casual (Cupid, Tinder). Most people don't find love on the first chance and it takes a lot of tries.

One thing you could do is just do a bunch of first dates right now. Skype dates to see if someone is easy to talk to is an easy way to vet (and if a guy refuses that's a huge red flag considering Covid). Practice first dates and saying no and building standards is a big part of finding out what makes you happy and comfortable in a relationship.

Also do you have a pet of some kind right now? Touch deprivation is a real thing and can really affect your mental health - especially during covid where it might be hard to visit friends or family or if you live alone. I'd really recommend a cat, dog or rabbit depending on what your housing allows because it really helps with the mental health stuff.

Title	Dating inexperience
Author	throwaway23004345
Upvotes	92
Comments	19
Date	January 15, 2021 10:11 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ky57yo/dating_inexperience/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/dating-inexperience.728444 https://theredarchive.com/post/728444

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