Wedding nerves at an all time high. How to process when you love him but think you aren't "in love" with him?

AgathaMysterie · 2017-05-30T20:41:49+00:00

Ok. I'm just going to say this: don't marry him.

Literally do whatever it takes to cancel the wedding. Like ask your bff to send out cancellation notices, and have the conversation with your fiance today.

This is not a RPW issue. This is a "woman about to marry a man she WANTS to love, but doesn't ACTUALLY love" situation. And the best advice in that situation is always abort mission.

Think about waking up a month from now, free to do what you want, where you want, with whomever you want. You'll feel so light. You'll be so glad you suffered through a few super uncomfortable conversations. Seriously!

Source: was engaged twice before meeting/marrying my current [perfect for me, amazing, bff, soul-mate] husband.

RubyWooToo · 2017-05-30T17:17:41+00:00

It's normal to feel a bit jittery before tying the knot, but feeling persistent dread and not excitement most certainly isn't.

It's one thing for a relationship to simmer down you've been together for a long time, if you've never felt burning desire for him and if you're still having unsatisfying sex after communicating this to him, then personally, I think you're setting yourself for a lifetime of unhappiness. Eventually, you'll meet a man who gives you the tingles, and what once seemed like a comfortable but lackluster arrangement will now feel unbearable.

My godmother once said: "A marriage with passion is like soup without salt. It doesn't matter how great all the other ingredients are; it won't taste like anything."

TXturkey · 2017-05-30T19:42:15+00:00

I know every woman is different but, I could never accept marrying someone who I feel lacks a love of deep, intellectual conversation. I completely understand feeling like you're settling for a marriage where you come home, crack a beer open, and sit on the couch. You want to explore the world and constantly strive for more meaning out of life! I understand completely and my opinion is.. don't marry him.

Don't worry about disappointing others because at the end of the day a marriage is between husband and wife.

md8716 · Tue May 30 14:19:11 2017 UTC

I tried talking to him about specific things he and I could do differently to better equip us for a happy marriage, but he doesn't seem to be on the same page, understand what I am saying, or feel motived to change anything. Unfortunately, I'm fearing that I'm headed for a sad existence of a mediocre, melancholic, brother/sister type relationship, and he is completely unaware of this.

You know, out of all the stuff you said, this is what concerns me the most. It seems like you both suck at communication.

When you say you "tried", do you mean you laid down the righteous, brutal truth and he blew it off or stormed out of the room? Or you tried to drop subtle hints to try and be sweet/unoffensive about it, and he didn't receive the message at all?

Part of being a good first mate is being able to speak up and tell the captain he's headed for an iceberg, in direct and completely unambiguous terms. That is 100% on you and nobody else.

So, if he is unaware, you need to slam the brakes on the wedding planning and make him aware by any means neccessary, even if that means delaying it or canceling it until he gets the message and then makes a decision on how to address it.

akanachan · 2017-05-30T15:26:15+00:00

Marriage, like children, are not life-events that fixes any existing relationship problems.

Communication sounds like the root of your problems, from the things you've mentioned.

For me, if I can't establish fearless open communication with someone I consider my life-partner (usually after trying my best for months), I'm gone as fast as I can pack. I'm not immortal, and my life is too short to waste on someone unworthy of my time.

[deleted] · 2017-05-30T23:58:41+00:00

Either you desire him or you do not. I think if you marry him it will end up with cheating or resentment, both on your part.

If he read this thread, would HE marry YOU?

With my man, he reads everything I do or say online. It is all above board.

Love is not magic. Desire and passion can't be faked or negotiated. Love can grow with consistency, but if he does not make you motivated to please and feel fulfilled, its not going to work.

I am sorry, I did this for 15 years and when you do throw in the towel, it is never good. Do not settle. If anything, ignite passion and work with what you have. If it is not in him, he shouldn't be in you.

If he doesnt make you tingle he isnt the one.

Shaela90 · 2017-05-30T14:12:02+00:00

I'm sorry you are going through this, especially since your wedding date is so close. You need to make a decision fast and then live with it, it's going to be tough any way you might choose.

What upsets me the most is the part where you explained you mentioned to your man that you were unable to orgasm and still nothing has changed. Can you orgasm on your own? Is it possible to bring any technique you might have, in the bedroom, with him? I would feel terribly disrespected if my man ditched such an important topic, so I really feel you.

As far as intellectual discussions go, do you think you would be satisfied if you outsourced them, like with friends for example? Or do you feel the need to share this part of yourself with your partner?

I don't have the whole picture, but to me, he does not really sound like captain-material, especially since he seems to be deaf to your desires. However, it is possible that he never heard you because you never spoke loud enough about all this with him. Sit down and tell him in all seriousness all that you`ve written down in your post. Bring him your problems, write them down if you have to and go through each and every one of them, have a honest, heart-to-heart talk, mention to him your fear to get married and where it comes from. I believe here, in this conversation and his behavior after, lies your solution.

If you have family or a support group that would understand, try to talk to them as well.

RubyWooToo · 2017-05-30T14:29:36+00:00

If you're working so hard to be better for him, one could assume that its because you love and care about him! Many people get cold feet at a wedding. I don't often talk about this but I was engaged before I met my husband. I broke it off three months before the wedding. I don't really want to analyze why on such a public forum but if you want to PM we can talk about it. The TL;DR is that I wasn't in love with him and the panic I was feeling was much more than cold feet.

Being concerned about "is this the right one?" or "what if we get divorced?" "what if he cheats on me?" "what if I cheat on him?" "what if we hate each other in 10 years but never say anything?" Those are all totally normal reactions. I remember them.

tempintheeastbay · 2017-05-30T15:55:36+00:00

everyone loves him and thinks we seem great together which is why the relationship has lasted as long as it has

Does this mean, the relationship has lasted so long because you're great together? Or do you mean to say, the relationship has lasted so long because everyone ELSE approves and so, inertia has carried you forward?

Your unhappinesses are significant, daunting symptoms. These feelings of dread are particularly concerning. To me they don't sound like they're about the wedding - they sound like they're about something bigger. HOWEVER.... Are they about the man? Or are they about your own life, about moving forward and growing up and the disappointments and anxieties of adulthood?

I've felt exactly the dread you describe - that life is becoming duller and duller - that all the "happy" progress markers of adulthood were actually confining - that progress in my relationship was accompanied by the sounds of an internal funeral dirge.

I also blamed my then BF- he was smart but so unintellectual, no broad curiosity about the world, no burning hunger for self-improvement like me, no sense of adventure like me, too willing (welcoming even) to SETTLE....settle down, settle for less, settle for "normal". Surely life was about The Extraordinary! And love should feel Extraordinary!

You can't go on feeling like this. Youre aware of one possibility and one solution - to break it off with your fiancée and seek a "better match." I just want to highlight another possibility and solution - perhaps you are the only one who can bring the excitement to your own life that you seek. Maybe you're putting too much weight on your relationship - Maybe no relationship is going to feel satisfying to you because your concern deep down is not that you're sleepwalking through a relationship....it's that you're sleepwalking through your own life.

FACEandLMS · 2017-06-02T12:04:59+00:00

Hi, it may be that you are just not physically attracted to him. You mentioned that you have never orgasmed with him. That could be down to his technique but I'm willing to bet it's because he just isn't physically attractive to you. You are probably telling yourself that he's "not bad-looking", "it's not all about looks", "I feel in love with him as a person", but none of this seems to be the case.

You wanted to love him like you loved the goodlooking badboys that you had sex with in your past. Those guys got the clitoris throbbing but the thought of spending the rest of your life with a safe, unattractive beta-provider fills you with dread.

The reason why you are crushing on other guys is because they look better to you than your husband does.

It will hurt him and be embarrassing to break it off now, but imagine a divorce and shared child custody. Imagine going into a marriage knowing that within the first 2 years you will be faking headaches or being busy to avoid sex. All that moving in and sharing the finances just to back out soon after.

You're not attracted to this guy's looks or vibe. You're not in love with him but if you even LIKE him, let him know.

If you want more info, PM me. Please look at my YouTube channel (same name as my reddit name) which discusses what attracts women. I'm willing to bet the guy isn't physically attractive to you. I could be wrong, but I'm sure.