Boyfriend sets poor boundaries

loneliness-inc · 2017-10-09T13:58:05+00:00

Wow... I'm dizzy reading this... it's like a high-school drama!

The way I see it - if you're with him, you trust him and the boundaries he has. If you can't trust him, don't be with him. It's that simple.

Telling him who he can and can't hang out with is a recipe for disaster, no matter how justified you may be in your request. Again, if you can't trust him, leave. You aren't married to him and you don't have children with him. There's no reason to work this through.

The purpose of dating is vetting. If this person isn't a good match/mate/partner/parent/etc then you stop dating him.

Retspihi · 2017-10-09T13:10:59+00:00

Leave this guy.

Cock_Klepto · 2017-10-09T15:12:33+00:00

You're a convenient chick to fall back on. This guy is using you for his own gain while treating your commitment and investment into the relationship like shit. You won't get what you've been putting in from this man.

Leave him.

girlwithabike · 2017-10-09T15:18:51+00:00

I told him shortly after that I knew about his son

So he never owned up to this. I can almost see why someone would hide this early on (like the first couple dates) but he never came clean. This should show you what kind of father he will be. His child is something he is comfortable hiding.

This has really shaken my trust.

So you know where I'm coming from: I'm friends with my ex. My husband knows about this and has always been fine with the situation. My ex is married and his wife is fine with us hanging out (though she had some reasonable reservations at first). The big thing is that neither of us is attracted to the other any longer. We took long breaks before we were able to be friends again and there are no feelings on either side. If my husband or his wife wanted to put a stop to it, the friendship would end. Your BF on the other hand is spending time with women who are attracted to him. You are uncomfortable with it and that doesn't seem to have an impact on him. Even if nothing happened, it doesn't sound like he's discouraging these women's behavior. TBH it sounds a little like he's keeping his options open by having all these women in his life.

I've been paranoid though and acting out of character.

Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you. Maybe you are paranoid and out of character. But from your post it sounds to me like he is doing a lot to keep you off balance and make you paranoid. Maybe it's all innocent but do you like the person who you have become in this relationship?

Finally, there is the wall to consider. If you are having doubts about this relationship, now is the time to cut him loose and find a guy that you can be with forever. If he's the kind of guy to knock up a woman and leave her - will he be better with you? Do you want to end up 30 with a kid and he's taken off?

RubyWooToo · 2017-10-09T15:44:52+00:00

If you want to stay in the relationship, then learn to be comfortable with secrecy, don’t pry into his past, and don’t question his relationships with other women. Tell him you’re fine with him having female friends, you just don’t want to hear or know anything about them. Hopefully, he will be so reluctant to disrupt such a perfectly convenient arrangement that he will be such a model of discretion that you will be blissfully happy and free from suspicion and anxiety ... unless another one of his love children pops out of the woodwork or you need to see a doctor about a mysterious rash.

Your second option is to exercise some proper vetting, in which case you will probably conclude that a man without baby mama drama who has boundaries with the opposite sex and doesn’t regard children as a mere inconvenience unworthy of discussion is probably a better choice for a prospective husband and father.

Rivkariver · 2017-10-09T16:04:04+00:00

Umm no. Bye Felicia.

LateralThinker13 · 2017-10-09T21:33:22+00:00

Honestly, if the genders were reversed I'd be telling you to GTFO, red flag, red flag. I don't see why I shouldn't do that here, too. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. Your BF is swimming in a circle of situations that make it hard to trust him. I get the feeling that he's not terribly secure/confident/mature, either. Likely he's close to your age.

He doesn't sound like captain material. Maybe a deckhand. You can do better - and you know it. Start shopping.

I automatically tend to steer men away from single mothers, due to their crap life choices. Often men are just stepping up, doing the right thing, so often that advice doesn't apply to single fathers. But in this case... he doesn't sound like he makes good, responsible choices, so he gets the same treatment.

Cold, hard truth. Get clear. And if you have any older, mature folks in your life whom you trust and can confide in, get their opinions too. But I suspect they'll tell you the same.

TheLaughingRhino · 2017-10-10T02:04:55+00:00

"Get A New Car"

Ever have a car that was older, though it was cheaper to obtain, but it had a ton of problems with it. Always needing to get something fixed, always unreliable, never sure how long it would last.

This is fine when you are a teenager and this is your FIRST CAR. There's a bit of charm to something sort of hobbling along while you make your way in the world.

But the best you can get, after blood, money, sweat and pain is basically getting to just barely reliable.

At some point, it's just easier to come to terms that you cannot fix a broken car, a flawed car, a damaged car. You just need to get rid of it and move onto a brand new car.

Instead of rationalizing the 56 ways you can get a person you don't really trust to appear somewhat trustworthy for a few weeks until you lose faith in said person again, why not start just with someone you can feel you can trust?

If someone hurts you in a relationship, their actions are THEIR FAULT. They are accountable.

If you STAY in a relationship where someone keeps hurting you, that actions is YOUR FAULT and you are accountable.

This next point is true for EVERYONE. Red Pill, no pill, man, woman, Martian, it doesn't matter - If you don't pick character FIRST in any potential relationship, that relationship is doomed to fail. If the person doesn't have good character, nothing else matters. Because people will act in line with their character. And people with poor character will always hurt you.

meowmeow984 · 2017-10-10T08:57:03+00:00

Don't rebuild trust, move on. You really want to marry a man who has a kid with another woman? Who has feelings for another woman? Who likely cheated on you?

You are not even married yet. Get out now.

BooBack · 2017-10-09T16:55:04+00:00

This absolutely has to be a troll.

Candicore · 2017-10-09T19:06:46+00:00

Okay, if you're not going to leave him, then it should be HIM who has to regain your trust. So far it seems he's very untrustworthy and even hid his son from you on purpose. All relationships take work and it should be equal effort on both parts.

For you, you should just trust that he's not doing anything. If you don't trust that and you're not secure, then what's the point in being in the relationship? ¯_(ツ)_/¯ I always say for this: trust but verify. So if he tells you he's not doing anything, trust him, but also verify it.

For him, he's the one who's making you feel insecure in the relationship. Basically, him being dishonest and shady is making you shaky in the relationship. He should be open with his feelings and be honest to you.

I think you should have a heart-to-heart talk where you state your feelings and why you feel that way. Remember to use, "I feel" rather than "you do this" because it comes off as attacking.

For example, "hey bf, I feel very insecure in this relationship because you saw that girl behind my back. I'm not comfortable with that and i feel like I can't trust you with girls. You can be honest with me because I'd appreciate that rather than lying."

Remember, a relationship takes 2. So if you talk to him and he seems to invalidate your feelings or gaslight you, or make it seem like his actions are no big deal, then I'd say jump ship because there's no way this relationship will improve without both people working together.

But if he agrees with your points and says that he'll try to make a change and you see him work harder and become more honest with you, then I think the relationship will work and you'll feel more secure! :)

HB3234 · 2017-10-11T23:52:32+00:00

You're thinking that just because you give a man a hat and a boat, he will become a captain. You're hoping that if you RPW enough, he will become theman you want/need.

See, he says he wants to drive a boat, so you hand the keys to a huge ship over to him. This is you wondering how to rebuild your trust in him just because he says he wants you to trust him.

He has repeatedly shown you he isn't trustworthy. You don't build your trust in him. He needs to behave trustworthily and consistently, of his own volition amd not because you said so. He needs to express an apology that adequately reflects that he understands the level of his deceit andis remorseful, otherwise you can rest assured he will do it again. There are no exercises or shortcuts to circumvent this process. None.

To be honest, this is the equivalent of letting a drunk man, in a Halloween sailor's costume, with no license, drive your boat. Then you come to RPW and say, "coast guard, how can I make my ship safe while I let the drunk fast food worker drive the barge?"

We can't help you here. You want a drunk captain, you get a sunk ship.

Pos26 · 2017-10-10T00:58:45+00:00

This individual does not love you or anyone right now. That’s too bad but he isn’t your fiancé or something so you’re literally doing this to yourself. You could leave at any time but you’re insisting on staying and have given no reason to anyone why that would be a good idea.

The good news is this guy will sleep with you no matter what you decide so why don’t you just take the BF tag off his ass. No need to keep investing emotionally since this shit is going nowhere fast and never will.

Nyquil-Junkie · 2017-10-10T03:02:15+00:00

I'll wager 10,000 Quatloos he has more children elsewhere you don;t know about.

RainbowKitty77 · 2017-10-09T16:30:57+00:00

For some reason Reddit didn't notify me about all the comments. I'm rather disappointed in this though. Everyone said leave him even though I said I'm not going to. I'm also uncomfortable being told I'm being used when I'm not sure what he could use me for lol and that he's a bad parent.

Title	Boyfriend sets poor boundaries
Author	RainbowKitty77
Upvotes	3
Comments	70
Date	October 9, 2017 1:08 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/758xkw/boyfriend_sets_poor_boundaries/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/boyfriend-sets-poor-boundaries.73556 https://theredarchive.com/post/73556

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