I grew up in a country where women are regarded as second class. You are expected to do EVERYTHING to please your husband, father or brother. You are literally a maid. A caretaker. Women have no value. You get sold, there’s this thing called “bride money” where the husband has to pay a price to marry the bride. Not really common in all parts, but it’s a reality. Women get killed for not cooking food right. Young girls get killed by their OWN FAMILY because they held hands with a man and now it’s a “stigma on the virtue of the family.” Its completely okay if a male member of the family is with a girl, rapes, harasses. Its a male anyway, its honorable for a man to do such things and they get praised for doing such things. One common thing is to make little kids show their penises to grown men as a sign of “manhood”.

Toxic as heck. I can’t even describe the disgusting things happen in here.

These things make me not like men in my country as a whole but there’s another thing.

The curse words are entirely, aggressively directed to women. I can’t even translate how aggressive and degrading the words are. Men AND women in my country regard sex as an act of degradation. When a man has sex, its honorable but when a woman has sex, she’s now a disgusting piece of shit who has been stained with the act of sex. You can’t even say the word sex here.

Its so disgusting.

I’m ashamed of my own female body. I’m ashamed of sex. I haven’t had sex yet, I don’t I will soon. My problems about sex are just to deep. For example, when I think about sex, let’s say I married, my brain automatically goes: “How will I look at my mom and dad in the eyes when they know I had sex?”

The heck? How problematic is that? Somehow my brain thinks the only way to be good and virtuous is to not have sex and “preserve” myself. Why?

Don’t get me wrong — I enjoy the thought of sex as an act of exchanging intense feelings. I don’t really feel sexual attraction because I’m asexual, but I want to have kids one day and I must have sex. But these thoughts are just so damaging. How dumb it is for my brain to think about mom and dad when it comes to sex? What am I gonna do, get their approval before having sex? I also feel like the assumptions about sex in my country have consumed me entirely. I can’t stop thinking how “degrading” it is to let a man “fuck” me. Because I know most men do anything to have sex and I don’t want such a man. I think I fear being with a LVM so badly.

I don’t know. I just feel so bad and fear sex as a whole. I can’t afford therapy or anything and I wasn’t like this before. I remember when I was in high school I was much more about sexut I guess my personal sel-esteem issues and society’s perceptions made me lose my ideas about sex and turned them into negative things.

What can I do?

Edit: I’m unable answer all the comments because it’s finals week. I need to say a couple of things. Firstly, yes I’m getting education. I’m in second year of university and I’ll possibly move abroad for my remaining years. Second, no I can’t afford therapy for two reasons: 1, it’s so expensive and there aren’t any good professionals in my city, 2, I live in a small place and if I ever mention anything about sex to a professional, they’ll talk to others about them. (This happens so it’s not safe). Thank you for all your comments. Remembering how past me was comfortable with all things about sex, I’m now sad for my current self but I’ll work on myself to get better. Thank you.