Rant - On Men & Clubhouse

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-02-15T05:21:20+00:00

I'm sorry that happened. So many abusers pretend to be good people who care about causes like this. It's disgusting.

millennialpink2000 · 2021-02-15T05:31:08+00:00

I'm new to clubhouse as well, and have already blocked two ex's from loooong ago. No idea how they found me.

Block him immediately so he can't get into your rooms and you will be alerted if he's doing something like hosting. You're not being petty, it's for your own peace.

Having these two pop back up from my hardcore pick me/cool girl days just made me realize how different my standards, boundaries and self-esteem are now. Although I still cringe thinking about what I tolerated, it was a nice 'benchmark' to feel how far I've come. Reframing it that way might help because then him popping up can serve a practical purpose by teaching you about yourself and reflecting your levelling up

And no, he doesn't deserve a platform. Hopefully enough astute women in the audience saw through his smokescreen and picked him apart

luvmyvulvaxoxo · 2021-02-15T13:25:13+00:00

Self proclaimed male feminists are the worst. I will never ever dated a man who calls himself a feminist again.

They literally learn the language to get women’s attention, make them lower their guard, and hide their abuse.

Men can’t be feminists.

souredskittles · 2021-02-15T06:04:30+00:00

Can someone clue me in to what club house is? I swear I’m falling behind on these apps

Candid_Check_4843 · 2021-02-15T05:26:51+00:00

I'm so sorry that you went through a terrible and traumatic experience with that loser guy. I'm so sorry that seeing/hearing him again on social media gave you a panic attack. Personally, I would say to listen to your body and trust it and accept what it's telling you-- it seems like you need more time to heal from your experiences and that's completely fine and normal <3 I would say to block all instances of him on your social media, and to be generous to yourself in your healing process.

I have seen guys that I've dated on social media, and I personally just laugh at them because now I realized what losers they were and how much better I am without them. But none of the guys I dated were ever abusive or unkind to me, so I guess it's easier to move on in those circumstances.

Emergency-Feed8216 · 2021-02-15T21:01:13+00:00

Abuse = various shades of gray of battering.

Study things from that angle because criminology, unlike pop-psych, deals in concrete actions and outcomes and, at least among the best researchers, will form theories based on hard fact, not cultural myths and biases.

The theories formed from the more extreme cases of abuse will fit seamlessly with the less extreme manifestations of abuse. Even if an abuser was never specifically violent it can be mentally liberating and clarifying to see abusers as all existing on the same demented, criminal continuum. They certainly all use the same psychological tactics for control and to cripple their prey, just to differing degrees.

I recommend books and research by Donald Dutton, Richard Gelles, Frank M. Ochberg and Lenore Walker. Some of the older school and Freudian theories of dv and victimology are really victim blaming but the cutting edge stuff isn't. Unfortunately a lot of pop psych, particularly if it's geared to the very monetized "reconciliation" (marital therapy) and "sex addiction" fields, will draw from the debunked old concepts. If a book/paper/article tries to assign partial blame to victims even in subtle psychobabble ways, just toss it. It's junk science. If the field of criminal research has uncovered one thing about intimate and sexual abuse, it's that there are no statistical common denominators regarding "preexisting" psychological factors predicting which women may be preyed upon. The only predictive common denominators are regarding the psychology and backgrounds of perps. But perps all differ in their taste in prey. Some like to hunt meek bunnies, some hunt lions.

So no, your self esteem had little or nothing to do with why you were "selected." Since abusers operate on a "beat by need" basis (making more vicious attacks on stronger prey), baseline low self esteem may not even explain why some victims don't immediately escape.

I know that goes against everything we hear about victimology but that's why I prefer the harder science of criminology. Lenore Walker found that, when controlling for the damaging post-abuse effects on victim self esteem, it turned out many battered women had higher than average "pre-abuse" self esteem. So it seems a large number of abusers prefer "big game" to "easy prey."

For the record, survivors of violent assault, rape, attempted rape, etc., don't mind victims of subviolent abuse borrowing from that model. This is only a problem when tourists and armchair experts buy into the shallow, victim-blaming pop-psych concepts and insist they apply to all victims and survivors.

It's better to dig deeper into the darkest corners of abuser MOs, tactics and psychology. It's empowering in the sense that it's like pinning abusers to slides and studying them like bugs. Survivors will often discover their personal tormentor-bug shares "DNA" with, say, Chris Watts and Ted Bundy (not literal DNA-- abuse is not genetic but learned behavior). Then what you learn from that perspective will clear up any lingering confusion or sense of shame. Plus if you grasp the hard principles, you'll end up with a better radar and much safer.

Another thing you learn is that batterers generally channel more psychic energy into image management than normal people and often cop a pro-women's lib stance. Because that's how to catch lions and tigers: go on social media and pretend to be a groovy feminist-y male.

madchendesu · 2021-02-15T11:37:42+00:00

Can’t really offer advice but can relate to a certain extent since my “polyamorous” narcissistic ex likes to proudly say he is a feminist, human rights activist and what not when all he likes is to have a constant rotation of women every so many months, makes them all his “girlfriends” , love bombs after 1 month, psychologically abuses women to an extreme, turning each one into a crazy mess and then after enough sex, he gets bored and dumps (And I still feel resentful with myself for falling for this crap).

Downtown-Temporary52 · 2021-02-15T15:25:20+00:00

Update : my ex reached out to me accusing me of slandering him.

Wonderrednow · 2021-02-19T17:03:16+00:00

This is a huge security issue on CH and its one of the reasons I deleted my profile

Title	Rant - On Men & Clubhouse
Author	Downtown-Temporary52
Upvotes	64
Comments	20
Date	February 15, 2021 4:34 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/lk5r2h/rant_on_men_clubhouse/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/rant-on-men-clubhouse.741132 https://theredarchive.com/post/741132

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