I used to think that I was free of vices, that I was even admirable considering that most of the other people I knew in their 20s had something they were willingly keeping in their life even if it was to their detriment.

Alcohol, other drugs, porn, games, junk food, etc. didn’t have a hold on me and I thought I could indulge in them and be stimulated just enough that I could enjoy it but I wouldn’t want to keep doing it. I only do most of these things socially and as a result of the pandemic, I haven’t done these “typical” vices for months.

But today after separating at the beginning of this month from my LVM ex-bf of almost 5 years 🤡 , I realize my vice was loving him. It made me feel so good to do things for him whether it was cooking, cleaning, buying him presents and financially supported his rental property, being his fuck doll, and getting crumbs of attention from him. I would constantly be thinking about him, always a mixture of pleasant and unpleasant thoughts. Unpleasant from his lack of commitment with me, his constant porn-addiction, his gas-lighting, deception, and all around entitlement that would just fuel the past pick-me within me and break my back to get another hit of his shitty, stale-ass breadcrumbing.

I believed I was invincible to addiction when all this time I was so, so deep in this addiction of giving too many fucks about these scrotes that I’ve dated. It gave me the oxytocin and dopamine I craved and kept going back for more at my own physical, emotional, and financial expense. It’s such a toxic addiction to have and it is even encouraged in our patriarchal society to keep sacrificing ourselves for these entitled, stinky scrotes that only takes us for granted.

Nobody in my life talked about this and the message that was constantly pushed to me was that “love is a sacrifice”. Well fuck that shit. Fuck that shit times two with a cactus dick. That’s only served the scrotes of society and I am sick of it. FDS has brought me the awareness that I was lacking, the awareness I needed to see how my behaviours were only harming me and further keeping me from my peace. FDS has been my rehab and I consume it everyday to keep me sane and from never taking another hit again.