I just need to get this out or I'm gonna explode. I'm sorry for the long story but I have no idea how to make this shorter :/

I (F26) had been together with my ex-boyfriend (M27) for 6 years, we met at uni, he's doing his masters now and I'm finishing my bachelor because I had switched my major. So here is the thing, there is no other way to say this, I have been a huge fuckup.

I don't love what I'm studying, I didn't change my initial major for a long time because of my pride and by the time I switched, I couldn't go for something that really interested me otherwise there would have been problems with my residency permit-I'm studying abroad-so I had to switch to something I disliked a bit less. Because of my disinterest I have not been a good student, just the idea of going to my desk and starting studying has felt so difficult and I would often get distracted while studying and start daydreaming. My parents are struggling financially, they can hardly find the money to cover my expenses.

My ex boyfriend has been so supportive both in regards to my studies, and my financial problems. When I had to move from my place because I couldn't pay my rent, he let me stay with him for about 6 months, paying for me the whole time. I now owe him around 2000 euros. I have started working on the side but there has been some complications with my tax identification number so I haven't gotten paid yet, I'm working on fixing it now, so he is still helping me pay for stuff right now.

He had always thought along with me when I had problems with uni or my studies and helped me as best he could. But of course it took its toll on him, he started drinking and smoking again-he was sober for the first 2-3 years of our relationship- but when my problems first arose, he was drinking 2-3 liters of bier every evening, smoking and playing computer games, he had told he was just trying to unwind but on hindsight I guess he was trying to escape the reality. Trying to escape reality was very much what I had done when I was at his place, I have just focused all my energy on him and our relationship and forgot about myself, my responsibilities, my overbearing worries.

So after 3 years we started breaking up nearly once every year, often after I fail to keep my promise of getting through the finals. We always got back together after a couple of months, but obviously the dynamic hadn't changed because I spent all that time pining over him and being miserable and we still spent a lot of time together, had sex, stayed over at each other's places, kept on saying "I love you" to another, often times even referring to one another as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend", so we basically were only broken up on paper.

Last year in September we broke up again but were still lovey dovey till Christmas. He had come over to spend the holidays with me, one night when he had passed out, I looked through his phone because ever since our first break up he wouldn't let me play with his phone so much. And I found another girl's pictures, hanging out at his place. He had told me it was from when we had broken up last year and that he stopped talking to her because of me, but then he said we were over and that he actually only came to my place because he didn't want me to be alone during the holidays. He was drunk when he said these but next morning he still insisted we be only friends. A couple of days later we were in a "we'll see what happens" mood and then he left for his home town after new year's.

During January we were still texting lovingly but inside of me there was this anger growing towards him for lying to me so I decided to go on tinder and meet new people. But I basically ended up finding someone else to obsess over while I kept on ignoring the real problems in my life.

My ex came back at the end of January for my birthday, he got me nice gifts, he told me he loved me but before he could say anything else I told him that I didn't want to get back together now, that we need to work on ourselves and if we were to get back together, we would only fall in to the same bad routine, and he agreed. But then, surprise surprise I ended up staying over at his place for months, maybe going home for a couple of days in a week and we did fall into the same fucking routine of studying/half-arsed studying during the day and getting shit-faced while watching tv at night.

Then during Easter holidays, on another drunken night when he was asleep, I decided to check his whatsapp, and lo and behold I saw the chat with a girl whose picture I had seen during Christmas, they were calling each other "boyfriend", "girlfriend" and texting "I love you"s, "so glad that you are my girlfriend" etc. The chat went back to a year but he had changed his phone around that time so when I asked him the next day he told me they actually met 3 years ago and have been dating for about 8 months. I was obviously in a fit, he told me that he still loves me, but he no longer has any hopes for my improvement. He said that she is very studious, earns her own money, helps him to grow up and get his act together. He said that because of my constant problems over the years, he didn't have anyone to talk to about his own problems but with her he can and she helped him feel motivated to stop slacking, finish his studies and start working. Then I told him about my tinder date and he got really mad, saying it was funny how I was so upset at him but I did the same thing and that I had been enjoying myself with his money. Both are not really true because the tinder guy doesn't mean anything to and I had usually gone to his place for dinners. After long arguments and angry accusations, things calmed down and we kinda agreed to see where it would go and still continued being loving.

I kept on staying over at his place because he buys the groceries and we cook together and we genuinely do enjoy spending time with one another. He has an exam this week and me in two weeks so we have been trying to support each other. But of course some days I would be so hopeful about the future, motivated to change myself for the better and somedays questions about his other relationship would haunt me. Things like: "He had told me he would spend his birthday at home with his parents but he spent it with her and on the day he wrote me that he couldn't believe he was spending his birthday without me that he loved me." "In January when he was staying over at her place he kept on texting me that he loves me and that he misses and can't wait to see me." Why?? I just don't get it. So I couldn't of course help myself but to ask and he of course didn't want to talk and just wanted to focus on his exam and got annoyed with me. The final blow happened yesterday when I found out that he actually introduced her to his family. When I pestered him to find out he got really mad at me for distracting him and sent me home. He says we are truly over and that he already has a girlfriend and he doesn't want to see me until after his exam this week. We still texts but not as frequently. He still calls me doll but for now no kissy faces.

I just feel so humiliated, defeated and miserable. I had been slowly getting pushed out of his life and I had no idea. I know that right now I just need to focus on myself but I can't really process what I'm feeling about him right now. I just want to show him a new and improved self and get him back even though sometimes the hurt and anger takes over and I wonder if I should just let him go. We have something special, as he said and according to his words I have been so hard to let go of. But is he finally letting me go? If I improve myself drastically would anything change? What should I do to get him back? Can you guys please give me some advice :(

PS. I can't talk to my friends/family about my relationship because they don't and can't know that I'm such a fuckup and I can't ask for money from my parents right now because they won't be able to send me any till June or July.