I feel that my parents destroyed a lot of my value

schweetsunshine · 2021-07-23T04:27:45+00:00

100% I am living through this harsh realisation right now.

Step 1 is have an emotional break down and scream your eyes out like a little baby... haha.. or is that just me?

I express my utmost condolences for your experience with this. I find no words can truly describe the disappointment and loneliness and ache you feel in your heart as you realised your inner child as been truly neglected this whole time.

Now is when you start nurturing yourself the way you should be nurtured.

It’s harsh to realise what state you’re in but that’s the best place to start.

I’ve done things I wish to never speak of again.

You need to accept that you likely took adult responsibility for choices you made as a child, choices that should not have been yours to make. This is a harsh process.

Then you focus on who you are now and who you want to be and you work towards that every day. Aim to be better than the person you were yesterday or last week.

Recognise how far you have come already. To even have this realisation in the first place regarding your parenting is a seriously significant leap you should not overlook.

Continue reaching out when you need help. I am happy to share with you my learnings and strategies if you are interested.

To answer your question about if it’s a part of you and if it will follow you forever.. well if there’s criminal charges involved it may follow you. But then the rest is up to what you do with your history. Do you learn from it, do you choose to reflect and use that to realise how far you’ve progressed now?

Try flipping your script from: “this is who I was”, to: “I was neglected as a child and these are the choices I made as I struggled to find who I was without normal adult guidance and structure. It is what happens when children are left to make their own choices/this is what happens when children are emotionally and psychologically abused”.

Your choices that were made were maladaptive behaviour to a toxic and unproductive environment.

It’s what you do now that matters. It won’t follow you around unless you let it!

I. Believe. In. You.

Edit to add:

Just want to add I think some other commenters are missing here is OP is 28 (from other comments) as the life choices made were made when parents should have been taking adult responsibility.

I.e. OP was not an adult when making a majority of the negative choices that effected them.

Children should almost never be held entirely accountable for making horrible decisions when they have no adequate parenting.

OP appears to be in the throes of taking responsibility for actions and deciding on which way is best forward, this doesn’t appear to be an issue of shrugging responsibility or victim hood mentality.

oliviaj20 · 2021-07-23T15:48:49+00:00

With some intentional work and effort you can grow past this.

I also didn't have much guidance growing up, and subsequently made some mistakes and did some things I am not proud of. When I finally saw the light and needed a change, something I found helpful was finding someone I could look up to. It can be someone you know personally, or someone you don't know, like a celebrity. Find someone who epitomizes the morals and values that you aspire to hold. Going forward, and I mean starting right now/today, when you come to a point of making a decision, or need to act in a certain manner that might be foreign to you, ask yourself what XXX would do. How would they handle it? How would they react/act/proceed. And then do that.

This is a simple example, but in the past I looked up to a celebrity that I thought had a nice feminine way of living and handling themselves. Somewhere I read an interview where they talked about their day, what they did to get up in the morning and get going. One aspect was she drank a glass of lemon water every morning. I started doing that. It created a healthy habit after a week or so. It was a small step, but it, along with other habits, began the journey to creating the version of myself that I wanted to be.

IceBurgSlim1748 · 2021-07-23T05:51:52+00:00

Wow! I’m going through this exact same thing and I’m 25. My dad was mentally unstable and my mom was narcissistic and I did some foolish things that I shouldn’t have. But I have decided to take ownership for my life and press forward. Maybe a tip is to go to a new city and start fresh from the bottom? Know there is a thread on here that talks about people living shit lives but going some where new and loving the new life they built for themselves. Hope this helps.

purple_pansy88 · 2021-07-25T02:14:38+00:00

Move away and start afresh. Get to know new people and leave your past behind. I haven't spoken to my parents or any of my immediate family for many years. It's not a light decision but I came to the realization that they would never care about me and would never be there when I needed them. I also felt like I had to cut them off to begin again. I had to separate myself from the beliefs that they had about me and had instilled in me.

I had some very bad things happen to me in my 20s, I realized that my family would never be there no matter what and I started all over again at 29. I had my son at 30 and my daughter at 32. I moved to a different country.

If I can do it so can you.

MissTishWish_ · 2021-07-25T05:14:42+00:00

yes there is always a way to come back from self-sabatoge. you do this by living your life and choosing to be the best you every day. if someone brings up your past, be assertive and say, "i would appreciate you would not discuss that anymore. i have moved on and i think you should too."

let people know that you have changed. and i mean actually say it in conversation. "i know i used to do that but lately i've stopped and i am doing better.

let people know that you have changed. and i mean actually say it in conversation. "i know i used to do that but lately I've stopped and i am doing better.

this is something that will take a while to get through and it requires A LOT of discipline and consistency on your part but it can be done. It'll all depend on how serious you are about beating these feelings and radically living in your authentic self. best of luck to you!

DunboyCastleInTheSky · 2021-07-26T21:44:00+00:00

Learn the talk and walk the walk of whoever you’re trying to be. With enough practice, you’ll get there. After that, move away to a new area.

Lando_620 · 2021-07-23T12:47:08+00:00

I always say it is not someone's fault if they were abused or mistreated as a child. However, it is your responsibility once you're an adult to seek guidance/treatment and overcome those challenges/traumas...overwise you will most likely become self destructive or abuse/mistreat others and that will be your fault.

Moral fortitude is about being able to do the right things when life is hard. To do that you have to accept responsibility for your actions/choices. Look, none us know when we will face challenges in our life or what they will be but we do get to decide how we deal with those challenges.

Even with the internet it is possible for most people to get a fresh start, find a place free of all known presumptions about you. That said, you can't run from your problems and you shouldn't hide them either. My advice is to face your problems, grow from them and proceed in the manner you which to live your life going forward.

dadudenines · 2021-07-23T06:57:36+00:00

Check out the sub raisedbynarcissists, might be useful.

aemilli · 2021-07-23T13:13:46+00:00

Just judging from another comment you made.. is the issue that you have a high n count?

I have also, in my younger years, through a lack of guidance and attention from my parents, have tried to seek attention form men sexually. Whored around, had lots of sex.

I’ve put effort to change my behavior and no longer have sex unless there is commitment.

I’ve had a few guys over the years ask me about my past. I tell them honestly that I do have a high n count and I regret making those decisions when I was younger, but I’m wiser now etc. Men have actually responded quite favorably, and they see that my actions follow through with what I’ve said I’ve changed on. Because of how I behave and dress (feminine, kind of modest, not overly sexual), men are actually surprised when I tell them I had that kind of history.

So while yes, having a high n count does diminish your value… most women nowadays have this problem. There are a lot of women who even advertise that they can have sex with whoever they want, “my body my choice” and the sexual revolution. So I think men understand their options and will value someone who has changed.

zino193 · 2021-07-23T06:31:46+00:00

My 2 cents - you have a bad attitute and have learned from our culture to blame others for bad behavior. Fully secure in the fact that you will not be directly punished for bad behavior because of your gilded status in society.

Every action you undertake - is a action YOU undertake.

There is no perfect environment. There are only people that allow themselves to be shitty because they had a not perfect environment, or had something horrible happen to them.

Nothing is stopping you from being kind, caring for a good man, wanting him to smile and be happy. Sure, with trauma it can be more difficult. But the actions are still yours to take - that is if you truly want that. Because in my experience and a lot of other men's experience - those women that see themselves as victims are not interested in any other role than the leading lady in their own drama. There is no space in your mind for another human being - you are the victim and the heroine of all the storylines that surround you. Everyone else exists just in relation to you - either satisfying - or denying you your desired outcome.

That is your true issue. Your mind is your curse. Learn to live and think for others - once you do that - the actions, the care, the loving of another will be seamless.

MirriMazDuur · 2021-07-23T11:43:44+00:00

Yep you can 100% stay positive and productive. Get the best job and keep it, date for relationships, not for sex, culture yourself, don't do drugs, don't drink too much. If you end up an emotionally stable and reliable person who's pleasant to be around, nobody will care about what your past or your parents and you won't care either

axeeN · 2021-07-23T12:06:56+00:00

No one else faults for what shit you did to destroy your reputation. The only thing that destroy reputations are whoring around, drugs and being a criminal.

Anonymous_fiend · 2021-07-23T05:41:55+00:00

I'm sorry that you went through all that. As someone who's been through similar I highly recommend therapy. Emdr is great for reprocessing trauma. You'll need to overcome or at least manage your issues so they don't affect your relationships. It's going to be a lot of hard work but the effort you put in learning to love and forgive yourself will be worth it. You're going to need to show a potential partner that you've grown from the past. Time will show how you've changed. It will always be a part of you as a learning lesson but it's up to you if you let it control your life. Depending on how small of a town, the views there, your age, and what your skeletons are moving could be a good option. But no matter where you go your issues will always follow you unless you deal with them.

Luscious-Grass · 2021-07-23T11:34:51+00:00

A lot of us can relate.

It’s ok to mourn the guidance you did not receive (use it as motivation to be a good mother when the time comes), but at some point (soon) you have to look forward.

Imagine turning a large heavy ship in the ocean. This is what you might feel like regarding fixing your reputation and your path. It might feel overwhelming and impossible but if you make steady steps everyday it can be done. Regarding your reputation, if it is that bad then moving can be an option but you obviously have to make real changes and not just do the same things in the new place.

Spend time only with high quality people, improve yourself everyday and be HUMBLE.

Good luck

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2021-07-29T14:39:43+00:00

First of all you have to find ways to get out of that environment, if that is not possible minimize contact with your abusers and try your best to fill your life with people who cheer you on and inspire you, this has by far made the biggest difference in my life. I saw clearly how I am supposed to be treated, and how the things I was told were mostly lies. If you have other sources of social support you will not feel the need to engage with people who drag you down, there may be a bit of a power struggle here where your abusers will be nice and try to wiggle their way back to being your main social support, but they will never change once you allow them to.

I don't think it will follow you forever, honestly we all embarrass ourselves and the world is big enough for you to restart at any time, people are very sympathetic to this kind of thing, not everyone but people who insist on holding you to your past just want to make you feel inferior and are probably garbage anyways, and you should really forgive yourself because you were doing the best you could.

Title	I feel that my parents destroyed a lot of my value
Author	thR0waWaY8426
Upvotes	47
Comments	31
Date	July 23, 2021 4:18 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/opup5z/i_feel_that_my_parents_destroyed_a_lot_of_my_value/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-feel-that-my-parents-destroyed-a-lot-of-my-value.793842 https://theredarchive.com/post/793842

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