Fear of solitude is what often keeps many couples together

Mrs_Drgree · 2021-07-20T10:05:22+00:00

Removed for low effort

kindParodox · 2021-07-20T06:21:15+00:00

For unhappy couples maybe, or generally toxic relationships. It's only normal to not want to be alone, and it's pretty understandable if you are genuinely happy with someone to not want to be without them. In the context of abusive or toxic relationships it's likely ironically the feeling of seclusion that makes you want to stay with someone, as they become your only outlet.

John_Oakman · 2021-07-20T04:58:24+00:00

So they're being realistic and grounded more than anything else, and that they don't have unrealistic demands and expectations...

parahacker · 2021-07-20T08:06:00+00:00

GOOD!

There is a concept that a lot of people seem to find anathema, but here it is: there is NO perfect partner. And isolation is NOT an improvement except in the most extreme situations. And finally, love is the process of accepting the company of an imperfect person, becoming blind to those imperfections.

It's not chemistry. It's not good communication, or rather not only good communication. Or even mediocre communication is acceptable as long as there's a minimum threshold combined with one other, key, key, key ingredient: loyalty, also known as acceptance.

For fucks' sake, we have older people who don't speak to another human being for months at a fucking time. We have far more that only communicate with the barest of pleasantries. Who haven't felt the touch of another human being for years.

If they are staying in a partnership out of habit, fear of the unknown, whatever other combination of 'I can tolerate this'? GOOD! It might fucking well save their sanity down the line! Fear is not always the enemy; sometimes it's a damn good ally in making good choices. That's part of the human condition! So very often, ignoring that, 'optimizing' and going for the perfect is doing deep disservice to having good, or good enough.

You can build on that. Learn to love, or re-love, because so much of it is simple acceptance. But breaking that partnership because you're not 'in love'? Disgusting. And no, not for religious reasons or some dated and ill-thought-out sense of morality - but for ethical and practical reasons.

And in all of this, if no part of the calculation for staying together is not a deep and nearly insurmountable consideration that leaving will hurt the other, then I frankly don't give a shit if their feels will be slightly better alone. They don't deserve my or your consideration, if they can't even extend past their own interests for a real life partner.

Frankly, people who leave because they're unhappy... I can empathize, but I don't respect them. I do respect the people who make it work, because they're the only ones who deserve it!

Juko007 · 2021-07-20T08:16:46+00:00

And why is that a bad thing? Infatuation fades over time, thats just a fact of life, that's our biological setup. No couple is crazy in love after 30 years the same way they have been in the first 3 months. But trust, respect and a sense of "we" instead of "me" all grow over time and form a strong bond that gives people security, meaning, and a place to belong. The secret to a happy long-term relationship is not being crazy in love all the time, it's in finding a partner that you can respect, appreciate, support and trust even when the honeymoon peroid is over.

Creation_Soul · 2021-07-20T07:19:51+00:00

I think you confuse love for infatuation. I have a saved reddit post describing the difference pretty well:

I’ve found myself falling into the infatuation trap before. It’s really easy to confuse it with genuine love. But for me anyway, infatuation is a lot more like a drug.

It’s a feeling that consumes you with temporary euphoric highs, and deep, dark lows. It’s almost like a panicked state of obsession. It fills your brain so all you can think about is that person. You start to care less about what really matters in your own life...your goals, your friends, your work. All that matters when you’re infatuated, is them. And you feel a strong, leeching desire to mold yourself into the person you think they’d want you to be.

When you’re infatuated with someone, when that person gets closer to you in any way, you feel a rush. Like you’re on cloud 9. Like you just popped a bunch of really good ecstasy. And it feels amazing in the moment. But then when you sense them distancing from you in any way...an ignored text. A rescheduled date. Flirting with another person. Going out on the town without you. Whatever. It feels like the world is crumbling...like you’re going through a withdrawal. You panic and fear you’re going to lose them. There’s a constant push/pull. In those moments of panic all you care about is pulling them back to you. Those up and downs can be maddening over time.

At its core, I think infatuation is latching onto the idealized picture your brain paints of someone. Basically, the quintessential putting them on a pedestal. You feel in love with them even though you barely know what’s it like to really be with them. You understand there’s faults in that person, but you never actually fully process them. You start thinking crazy thoughts like “this person is perfect”...”this person is the solution to all of my problems, if I can just keep them I’ll be fulfilled”...or “this is my only chance, if I can’t have this person I’ll never be genuinely happy”. You think you’re madly in love. But it’s all shallow. Once that person actually starts getting closer to you...the infatuation can wear off pretty quickly...and you can be left feeling confused and deflated. Like a spent firework.

I think most “love at first sight”, and honeymoon periods is really just infatuation. It can turn into love, but it’s not really. And sometimes if you’re not careful, it can blind you and drag you down into some really dark places.

Love on the other hand, is a lot more comfortable. It’s less erratic. It grows slowly over time and stays pretty constant. Its the general feeling of caring and warmth towards someone. You can hate someone in a current moment, but still love them overall. You can find someone to be unattractive, or incompatible...and still love them deep down. You can have a fight with the person you love, and not fear you’re going to lose them...you just want to resolve it.

It’s not like a drug...it doesn’t have the highs and lows of infatuation. Its gotta be cultivated and nurtured. You don’t lose yourself in it, or have the drive to turn into the person they want you to be...love helps you find yourself, and drives you to become the person you want to be. Love for a partner isn’t really too different than the love you feel for a blood relative. It can be subtle and mellow...sometimes barely recognizable...but it’s always there. You’re connected to them at a deep primal level.

So yes, the after being with my wife for 10 years the feelings are not the same. I don't feel the same rush when I see her, because we live together now as opposed to needing to plan to meet, but small gesture we do for each-other still brings a smile to my face. So the feelings are still there, but instead of a rush, it's more of a constant feeling. I also really believe that the intensity of emotions in the beginning of any relationship is not sustainable long term, and those who expect it to be are not realistic.

TheChocolateBarsGuy · 2021-07-20T06:34:17+00:00

Relationships should not be based on " love "

Man i hate modern stupid people.

thegr8profiter · 2021-07-20T08:47:33+00:00

Solitude is not loneliness.

Solitude is beautiful

CrazyBaby8891 · 2021-07-20T05:24:03+00:00

I think this is unfortunately true in plenty of cases, but it really depends on whether or not they genuinely enjoyed each other's company when they got together and why they got together in the first place; if it was for any reason that didn't first and foremost include mutual love then they're likely to fall into that settling category of remaining together only because they're afraid of the consequences of being alone. This can also happen if they haven't been properly prioritizing and nurturing their relationship consistently (but that can be fixed if the love is still there underneath and both are willing to expend the effort to right matters.)

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ChadCyrus · 2021-07-20T06:17:30+00:00

Not a bad thing unless they're not complementary to each other or are detrimental to each other's happiness.

PM_ME_STRIPPERS · 2021-07-20T09:41:50+00:00

"but being in relationships dont make you as a person happy or happierxD" - society

calfshrug · 2021-07-20T05:09:48+00:00

Familiarity is love. What you know is love

Title	Fear of solitude is what often keeps many couples together
Author	CharlesElliotFiddler
Upvotes	50
Comments	20
Date	July 20, 2021 4:01 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/onugie/fear_of_solitude_is_what_often_keeps_many_couples/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/fear-of-solitude-is-what-often-keeps-many-couples.794499 https://theredarchive.com/post/794499

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