Tips on acting like someone does not exist when you have to be in their presence?

Lemon_bars_addiction · 2021-08-04T01:39:01+00:00

OK I have a PhD in this.

It's simple really, let's say it's a coworker for example. First of all remember you go to work to work, not to socialize and make friends. On that basis you don't owe anyone your time and attention outside of work-related tasks. Walking down the hallway and see them coming? Pretend to be on your phone or look straight ahead and keep walking (you're under no obligation to greet them or reply to their greeting. Not like they can file an HR report because you didn't acknowledge their presence)

Have to work together on a project or interact in a meeting? Keep it civil. Give them a semi-bored / disengaged glance from time to time as they're talking to you and reply with to the point answers. Focus your attention on the rest of the team for the most part.

If they ever try to pull you aside with a 'hey I noticed you're being quite cold to me' tell them you don't know what they're talking about and that you're busy and don't have time for this because you're late for a meeting and walk away.

Can give better advice based on context though 🤓

whiskey_and_oreos · 2021-08-04T01:39:18+00:00

Are you familiar with the grey rock method? It's best used with toxic and abusive people. The idea is to be as uninteresting and unresponsive to them as a rock. You're aiming to avoid them as much as possible and giving single word or very minimal answers otherwise. Eventually they'll give up trying to get anything from you but there may be an extinction burst (brief period where they dial up their efforts and abuse in fear of losing access or control over you) with the more volatile abusers.

My other concern would be third parties, like if you're close with a mutual friend. This can take some vetting and you may just have to keep this group at arm's length.

Source: I work with a lot of LVM. Unfortunately I love my role but can't stand my coworkers so this is what I've been doing.

spicyspa · 2021-08-04T03:08:33+00:00

What works for me he is to do the opposite. Treat him like you met already, aren't interested and are unbothered by it. "Oh nice to see you. Hope you're well." Brief and kind gray rock.

BeeWren · 2021-08-04T03:59:28+00:00

Avoid eye contact by looking through them instead of at them. Focus on the something behind them, and if you must look at them, gaze at their shoulder or another neutral body part. And don’t look away quickly because they’ll know you’ve seen them. Sweep your gaze steadily.

Story time: Tried this with a female associate who’d been condescending to me in the past and she got the empty-looking-through-you-gaze and I can tell it bothered her. Bothered her enough that she got next to me into my space and do a not so subtle peek at my face. Gurl. Pathetic. 🙄 I still ignored her. I don’t even know her well enough to have her contact info, we were classmates. Just decided to no longer greet her because a) she doesn’t deserve my precious energy and positivity b) I don’t like her c) she doesn’t respect me d) I deserve to preserve my energy and I get to choose who gets it e) I was at the grocery store and whatever I was buying was more interesting.

My decision wasn’t even premeditated. My spirit/soul was like “nah.” It felt good to keep my power and ignore. Fuck being nice, let’s be real (refer to letters a-e). In times past, I’d been friendly, fawning even. And then I had a negative interaction. Let’s neutralize the energy/effort/association. And the fact that she was shook confirmed the power shift. She’s used to being catered to and greeted first.

It’s still a little hard for me to admit that I don’t like her. I try to see the best in everyone. But me not liking someone doesn’t condemn them. Just unworthy of me. And I’m fooling myself to pretend otherwise. I don’t like some people and that’s okay.

As Cardi B said, “if I see you and I don’t speak, that means I don’t fuck with you”

r4nd0m-u53r · 2021-08-04T06:13:24+00:00

This doesn't work in all situations but I once had someone tell me to lean into uncomfortable / ackward situations if you know you can't avoid them.

I had a toxic work environment with a supervisor who said some pretty terrible things to me, her superiors were aware but asked if I could suck it up because her contract was almost up. Since I had to continue being around her and working with her. Instead of giving her the cold shoulder which I think she was expecting, I leaned into it and I acted super bubbly(almost bordering on fake) to her. She had no clue HOW to react to that, it made her uncomfortable and she then did the work of avoiding me from then on.

Not sure what this guy did to you but some people want you to react poorly/give them validation and when you act completely unbothered/super happy it breaks their script for how it should go.

Edit: bonus is, they can't complain or confront you because what are they going to say? That you are too nice to them??!! That you say hi too enthusiastically?!!

dancedancedance7 · 2021-08-04T06:35:39+00:00

There's two parts to this. The first is managing your outward behavior to avoid any unnecessary interactions with the person. Kinda like walking farther around the evil videogame NPC to avoid "aggroing" them.

The second is managing your own peace of mind. This is the most important. You need to take your focus off the guy and the situation and put it onto things that matter and tangibly benefit yourself. I legit had to mentally smack myself every time I would get stressed about having to run into the LVM and remind myself "no, think about your presentation", "call a friend", "go work out", "refresh your resume" etc. Get so busy doing productive stuff they you forget about him. That's the best way forward.

parabenprincess · 2021-08-04T04:27:30+00:00

As someone who is already standoffish & cold towards men, I’m loving this thread 😻

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2021-08-04T07:57:55+00:00

I have a couple of coworkers I absolutely detest and praying for lightning to strike them down. I will politely say good morning and goodbye as I was raised correctly and it reflects badly on me if I'm rude. Also the boss is fucking one of them so I would absolutely get called out. I only interact regarding work matters and only if I absolutely have to. I prefer to use email as much as possible. Helpful to to keep a written record in case your enemy tries to take you down.

Tips on acting like someone does not exist when you have to be in their presence?

Comments

NOT THAT I WANT COVID AND SHIT TO CONTINUE YALL.

Title	Tips on acting like someone does not exist when you have to be in their presence?
Author	laffytaggy
Upvotes	66
Comments	24
Date	August 4, 2021 1:24 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/oxhuai/tips_on_acting_like_someone_does_not_exist_when/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/tips-on-acting-like-someone-does-not-exist-when.796564 https://theredarchive.com/post/796564