I get 20% time with my kids-what do I talk about when I call them?

infinityplus1 · 2020-08-25T03:16:11+00:00

Keep it short. You should be ending it before they do. Tell them something funny or exciting that happened to you since you last talked to them. Nothing funny or exciting happened to you? Then make something happen. Live an exciting life. At least learn some corny jokes to tell them. Tell them you are always ready for new and better material so you would be more then glad to accept any really funny jokes they can share with you.

And again start off aiming for 1-2 minutes of talk IF THAT. Over time you can build up to longer times. But at that age they probably won’t be big phone talkers.

Also realize that some days it isn’t worth it to force conversation. So be ready to wrap it up sooner then you would like. You want them to look forward to talking to Dad, not dread it. They can learn that Dad won’t keep me on the phone FOREVER when they just want to go back to watching TV or playing a video game.

That being said, and this can be difficult, try to get your Ex to turn off the TV and have the video game properly paused. Or just ask the kids to do it or go in the other room. Explain that you won’t keep them long on the phone but you want to give them your full attention for these couple minutes and you just love their full attention and “I promise I will keep the call super short so you can get back to Video game name / cartoon name!”

I have a younger child, age is between your two, and when we first started, calls lasted about 1-3 minutes and 60% of the time they didn’t have much to say. Longest call was probably 5 minutes. Now we sometimes have 10-15 minute long back and forth conversations. Not every time but sometimes. Even when they are tired or don’t have much to say the calls will typically last 3-5 minutes and it isn’t like pulling teeth anymore.

The main point of my calls is to tell them I love them, share something funny or exciting from my day and how it made me think of them, give them an opportunity to share about their day or days. What was your favorite thing that happened today? What was your least favorite thing? Ask them specifically about their interests. Asking about the latest new video game level, or video game achievement, new book, new song, new cartoon, new trick on their bike or hoverboard, new LEGO build, etc. And make it a point to remember (write it down on your phone or an index card) what they share w you. That way the next time you talk w them you can maybe ask them about it so you have something to build the conversation off of.

I then ask them if they have any questions for me. This has come up for me, especially for my youngest as they half hear something from mom or siblings and want to ask dad about it. 85% of the time they don’t have a question for me but I still always give them the chance.

It takes some work but if you keep at it you will eventually start to see a change in the level of communication. Not perfect, not what it use to be but hopefully better then what it is now. Plus they will eventually come to know that Dad is interested in me and what I do and am interested in. And when you are with them, in person, make it a point to tell them that you love talking to them and hearing their voice. That is a way you can love them, eventually and hopefully, they will come to understand that.

NohoTwoPointOh · 2020-08-24T23:40:59+00:00

Couple of questions:

- What are your current favorite activities right now?

- What are some "creation" skills that you possess? Good with tools or your hands? Cooking? Room painting?

- What are some "kinetic" skills that you possess? Athletic? Handy with the steel? Good with specific sports, martial arts or boxing?

These sound random compared to your question, but there's a method to my madness.

Knave7575 · 2020-08-25T03:07:07+00:00

Idea: Get an account on board game arena. Start playing games, while talking on the phone at the same time. Best to have some distraction while talking.

Online video games could work as well.

That_Ignoramus · 2020-08-25T02:36:07+00:00

If asking what they did gets "nothing" answers, ask them to make up a story about something they wished had done /had happen to them.

Jigglytep · 2020-08-25T04:31:55+00:00

when I could not do 50/50, I read to my daughter every night.

Go to the library they can make amazing recommendations

MajIssuesCaptObvious · 2020-08-25T06:36:10+00:00

You could watch a show together, like their favorite cartoons, while on video call. Then ask them about characters and stuff. Also, talk about little things that have no meaning, like what you ate for lunch, favorite foods, etc. Make them laugh with dumb jokes.

atawaycee · 2020-08-25T15:01:34+00:00

Honestly, I was 12 when my parents divorced and they were both too occupied with their own new relationships to look after me. As long as you're calling, regardless of the conversation or how long it goes on, they'll know you care. So don't be disheartened if it doesn't go well. Just keep interested, patient, and open minded. Eventually the three of you will work it out.

When I finally established a relationship with my dad, I was 28. He had just gotten a cell phone and would text me to say hi every week or so. Sometimes would send pictures of interesting things or news updates. I'd start visiting here and there. Eventually he invited me to join some activities with him, and even though we didn't have many deep conversations, we were familiar. Later, he was around at a time when I needed some love and acceptance, and those moments are when the deep bonds form.

GmaK38 · 2020-08-25T18:57:17+00:00

Ask them about their day, ask about what they did. Ask if they need anything. What are they interested in. Listen carefully and think about how you can tie in what they are saying into their next visit. Tell them that you love them and how you are feeling if you miss them. Also get counseling you don’t have to do this in your own. I would love to help you with this as I’m going through something very similar but my kids are younger.

Don’t try too hard either, it doesn’t have to be long either. Sometimes you can be very casual and say hey I was just thinking about you and wanted to hear your voice and make sure you are doing ok, can’t wait to see you.

vector5633 · 2020-08-25T20:51:34+00:00

Why do you only get 20% time with your kids? Why not 50/50?

MyNewNormal808 · 2020-08-26T07:27:10+00:00

I got two teenagers and while they text their friend and post constantly, they don’t have a lot to say to me all the time. I’m think the fact that when I call, their Mom is usually right there might make them feel uncomfortable. That’s ok though, when I have them (every other weekend also), we have the good conversations. I still call or text them every night. They may not know it but one day they’ll think back and know that their Dad said I love them and goodnight every night.

nuclearxp · 2020-08-27T10:32:45+00:00

Strongly suggest you get a family counselor. Mine is GREAT at helping with this stuff.

CertainCrow1 · 2020-08-24T23:46:08+00:00

play video games with them

AusRaidersFan · 2020-08-24T23:49:11+00:00

Open ended questions and lots of WWWHW if you get one word answers.

Title	I get 20% time with my kids-what do I talk about when I call them?
Author	dutch75
Upvotes	10
Comments	18
Date	August 24, 2020 11:15 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ig0b00/i_get_20_time_with_my_kidswhat_do_i_talk_about/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-get-20-time-with-my-kids-what-do-i-talk-about.817949 https://theredarchive.com/post/817949

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