Did your parents relationship make you a RPW?

natural_racehorses · 2014-02-11T13:33:14+00:00

It took me a long time to come to RPW BECAUSE of my dad. He delighted in keeping my mom under his thumb just because he was the man. He enjoyed seeing how high he could make her and us kids jump. He only berated her for wearing too much makeup when he was not berating her for not wearing enough. Then, there were the beatings with broken bones...... so there's that. I was determined to NEVER be dependent on a man because of him.

sandpaperwalls · 2014-02-11T17:36:12+00:00

Yeah, I think I force fed myself the red pill after watching my mom turn my awesome stepdad coming out of a bad marriage into a house trained pet who gets yelled into submission regularly, over the last 10 years. He just kind of shrugs it off but its pathetic the way she treats him. I've lost all respect for her, especially recently, its like she's become a different person. She used to really respect him, and now she'll complain that he never helps out or anything, but I go stay with them and he does EVERYTHING when he's not in New York making 1/4 million dollars a year.

She brags about how she's really the one in control and its just pathetic. I was never really like that to begin with, as she was never this way until the last five years or so, but now I actively try to not be that girl, because it makes me so sad to see my mom act that way. He's about 20 years older than her, I guess at some point she decided he wouldn't dare divorce her and flipped her switch to ultimate bitch mode. Its seriously hard to be around them because she has to constantly talk down to him and blame him for the stupiest little things.

Its like she totally forgot that once upon a time she was a single mother who barely slept between school and work, trying to keep a roof over her kids' heads, whose father had all but disappeared, and ended up doing so after they (her and my step dad) got married. He took us in and treated us like his own kids. I only wish I had met him earlier so I had spent less of my teenage years waiting for my bio dad to show up again, and more time cultivating a relationship with him.

2014-02-11T12:43:14+00:00

Thanks for sharing this. There are varying degrees of how far into the 'culture' of RPW you get. Some of these ladies, to me, seem a bit more extreme on subjects I am more lax on, or vise versa! It is a personal preference that you and your SO can come to.

Personally, my mother was (and still is) a die hard femi-Nazi. She doesn't need a man, doesn't want a man (yeah right), and truly feels that men are "afraid" of loud, obnoxious women. My mother went to school full time and then began working immediately out of college. My father also worked full time and I was a latch-key kid. I had no idea how to use makeup, hair tools, or even act with social grace. "You shouldn't have to filter yourself" is a mentality my mother would push.

Sure, you don't have to filter yourself. You can really choose to do whatever you want. Now I am making a conscious decision based on what my experiences have taught me and what science has been saying this whole time - men and women are hardwired differently.

StingrayVC · 2014-02-11T14:06:23+00:00

I consider myself extremely blessed in the family department. My mom and dad definitely have a RP relationship (though they don't know what the red pill is). My dad is the head of the house and my mom respects him for it. Dad almost always asks for mom's opinion and always takes it into consideration but makes the final decision himself.

Having said that, my parents definitely taught me some blue pill things to try and protect me. I was taught how very important it was to get a degree because my husband might leave me and I would need to be able to make money to take care of the kids. I was taught I could be anything I wanted to be (which, of course, is true but I was never taught the implications of this). I was taught to be strong and independent (really, I was taught to be self reliant which is a good thing, but never the difference between the two so I did get a chip on my shoulder).

Because my mom stayed home with us, I always knew I wanted to be a SAHM and it hardly ever bothered me that many women looked down on this (luckily I found a man who was as adamant about this as I was, more so, really). But, I was always naturally submissive and because of that, for years, I thought something was wrong with me. I thought, "I CANNOT BE A DOORMAT!" so I fought against this urge and it created some friction in our marriage. I would look for ways to win fights instead of looking for ways to solve the problem (!).

Finding the RP finally allowed me to relax into my natural role and things are so much better in our marriage!

drugdoctor87 · 2014-02-11T15:57:41+00:00

My mom is my hero, especially in terms of RPW.

My mom grew up on a dairy farm, so "entitlement" probably wasn't even in her vocabulary. My gma and gpa were very strict in terms of chores, cooking, working, school, etc and my mom carried these values with her to her marriage.

We were lower middle-class and even though my mom had more education than my dad and made a higher wage, she chose to only work part time (3 days a week) so she could also be a homemaker and take care of the house, me, and my dad. We had a sit down dinner at home every night thanks to my mom.

My mom saw the value in a happy marriage and raising me proper over making more money and stressing out the family situation.

My dad, who is mostly alpha (had 2 failed marriages prior to meeting my mom) also respects my mom very much although their marriage wasn't perfect and my mom suffered a few years of depression after her mom died and me being a bratty teenager at the time didn't help. Now both my mom and dad are retiring and have been going on vacation all over the place and seem happier than ever.

I hope that someday I'll be able to be even half the mother my mom was.

2014-02-11T14:45:04+00:00

My parents separated when I was a baby, and divorced when I was about 3. My mom comes from a line of "strong, independent women". She's a great mom and has an awesome sense of humor, but in her relationships, she wants to be in charge. She ended up marrying my stepdad who is 9 years younger than her. They bicker constantly, because she treats him like a son. My poor dad also got re-married, and his wife is the naggiest witch on the planet. She makes his life miserable, but he won't leave.

So seeing my parents pretty much fail at relationships where the woman tries to wear the pants has made me want to take a different approach in my own relationship.

2014-02-11T13:30:45+00:00

Same here. I love her, but my Mom is very self centered and entitled....constantly criticizing and ridiculing her husband (all men really). My Dad never let it get to him and never let her control his actions. He took the time to positively influence me and my sisters. Most of the really important lessons I learned in life, I learned from him. My in laws had a fantastic marriage (my FIL passed away many years ago) and my marriage has been mostly modeled after theirs.

valkyrieone · 2014-02-11T16:13:05+00:00

Your story almost matches mine. I saw exactly what I didn't want to do in my mother. I do just want to say this, I love my mother but she is not a model wife/caregiver. She (still) is a self entitled and selfish woman with strong feminist views. She didn't/doesn't know how to cook and is fine with it. She blames her diet for not being able to loose weight when she doesn't work out. I watched her go through 2 divorces (married once before meeting my father, then divorced my dad, and divorced the third one-which was no fault of her own, he was an actual pervert) I had to learn most of my feminine traits from watching or learning from my friends parents, aunts and uncles (on my dad's side) or from books. I literally taught my mother how to apply makeup and do her hair. I grew up having to fend for myself most of my (crucial) growing years while she just focused on her career and her boyfriends. Living off of pizza and microwave dinners grew old quickly forcing me to experiment in the kitchen.

Though I grew up mostly with my mother, I stayed close to my father throughout my youth and I am forever greatful for that. I watched him suffer through many years of my mothers wrath and grew great respect for all the crap he went through and he stayed true to just being a father to my brother and I. He currently has a very loving and beautiful relationship with a new woman who is the complete opposite of my mother and I see how a marriage should really be with them. They have a true give and take relationship and she really adores him and treats him very well.

Currently my mother has not remarried but has been dating a man for almost 10 years. He has no children, got the "snip" during college and "spun plates" throughout his youth. How he is attracted to my mother, I have no idea, but they fit together well.

eatplaycrush · 2014-02-11T21:04:55+00:00

I wish my parents made me more RPW. Then I wouldn't have been such a mess when my boyfriend found me. Haha.

The thing that is weird with my parents is it is almost like an RP relationship, but backwards. I don't believe this is entirely their fault because of situations that have been presented to them in their relationship so I actually think what they have going on works for them well. My Father has proved too many times that he is not reliable with anything in terms of money management. Even I know this and I don't even know ALL of it. My Mother is weirdly good with numbers and financial decisions. So, now my Mother is the financial maker. It has definitely gotten better and she is paying for my father's last year of pharmacy school then afterwards they actually plan to start changing their financial dynamic of the relationship. Good for them if they actually try.

My Mother does 80% of the cleaning because she is very controlling over her home's comfort level and how clean it is. My Father has always done small things like washing dishes etc. He is also the one who cooks and cooked my entire life. He also genuinely enjoys cooking still to this day. My Mom would make her signature meals every now and then, but she was the one who always never had much time since the roles were flipped.

It is an RP marriage totally backwards. My Mom is the captain and my Father is the first mate. This taught me to obviously view this way of thinking backwards. It taught me that I needed to be in control and the man should be listening to me, when really that's not what I want. When I did that I was an unhappy loser. However, to their defense, the situations that happened made these the only logical decisions for their relationship because they would never get divorced. That love is real despite any of their downfalls. Over the last few years however I have noticed a change in tune the closer my Father gets to graduating from his program. My Mom has been becoming more and more submissive, but I don't believe my Father will ever be totally in control of their finances or big decisions. His track record isn't good, but it is definitely increasing and I know my Mom can see that and respects it.

Bakerofpie · 2014-02-12T03:42:22+00:00

My parents relationship was sort of a RP gone wrong. My dad is a very alpha man who loves to treat a woman well when she deserves it and will not tolerate entitled behavior. My mom was extremely feminine and stayed at home with me, made a home cooked meal every night and took care of everything around the house so my dad never had to lift a finger when he got home. She just wasn't strong enough to be married to an alpha. She didn't want to disappoint him, so she kept up with the expectations but was pretty much a robot. My dad tried to coax a smile out of her and be romantic sometimes but it's like she was so intimidated by my dad she was afraid to make a wrong move and just shut down.

I could tell it upset my dad when he couldn't get through to her, but with the way he treated me and the women he dated after my parents divorced it gave me an idea of what a man "should" be. I will never forget the look on his face when one of his girlfriends got mad because he didn't come around to open her car door for her. Priceless. She wasn't around for long.

2014-02-11T12:45:00+00:00

For me I was shown growing up the wrong way to treat, not only your husband but your children too. My mum was and still is a very selfish and entitled woman.

yes, absolutely--my mom is a narcissistic shrew who continues to run roughshod over my father after 45 years. now, he certainly bears his share of the blame for this, but i knew i NEVER wanted a relationship like that.

2014-02-11T14:25:47+00:00

hmm I have been thinking about this for a while, cause its very to the core like. My mum and dad are an amazing couple. My mother completely supports my father and vice versa. She is a strong independent woman and he is very alpha. They are equal partners with different role, my mother looked after myself and my brother. Dad worked. Then my mother went back to work. The mutual respect and accountability really works. They both work out, they both dress well and they both have expectations of each other. I think there relationship model is good. Ironically they sail and my father is Captain and my mother is always First mate... its nice. I love them and I hope I can make my relationship as long lasting and as full of love as them.

2014-02-11T15:19:45+00:00

I've learned what not to do from my parents, it's saved me years of mistakes :). My mom and her mom dove right into feminism in the 60s and never looked back. I think they both did it to protect themselves from being hurt by men, but it wound up making them cold and hard and mean. And not too many men would stick around that. I don't know how my dad married my mom but the marriage didn't last long. My moms been jealous of my and my dad's relationship for years; he's much sweeter and kinder to his daughters than he is to his former wife. I see how much this bothers my mom but she is way to proud and solipsistic to change herself. I think she'd benefit greatly from TRP but I doubt she would be willing to change at this point. I'm glad that I have been able to witness the feminist way of raising kids... It absolutely sucked and and I want better for myself, future husband, and kids.

2014-02-11T15:50:13+00:00

I am extremely fortunate when it comes to family. My parents, aunts/uncles, and grandparents all have varying degrees of what most people would call a "Traditional Marriage." I am very close to my father, and growing up, I saw my parents work together by fulfilling different roles to make our lives run smoothly. My dad always listened to my mom's input, but when it came to making decisions - he had the final say. My mother made her family a priority, and only went back to work when I was older.

They taught me the value of working hard, and that I had to be responsible. If I started something, I had to follow through on my commitment. They didn't spoil me, and I'm extremely grateful to them now as a result. I know how to appreciate the things in my life, big and small, and I don't "crave" materialistic goods. They also made it clear to me that, ultimately, the only person responsible for my happiness and safety is myself. If I didn't like something about my life, then I had to make changes. I had to work for my allowance, and I was always busy with sports. They emphasized the importance of getting an education, and thinking critically.

That said, they also taught me the importance of respecting my elders, and listening. They taught me that I always have a duty to my family, that I need to be present and active for family gatherings. No matter what happens in my life, I know that I can always rely on my family to be there for me.

My dad cannot be manipulated, he is calm, logical, and loving. He does what he needs to in order to protect and better the overall "health" of his family. He constantly teaches the people around him, seeking to give them the knowledge they need to improve some aspect of their life (whether it's work or recreation). He does not raise his voice or yell - when he's displeased with something, he tells you directly what's bothering him, why, and that it needs to be addressed promptly.

My mother tends to worry and fret a bit more, but she never stops trying to make sure that everything has been addressed and taken care of. She is meticulous when it comes to keeping track of details, and she loves hosting parties and looking after people. She's intelligent, opinionated, and respects my father.

They believed in structure, so if I broke one of the rules, I was grounded. They didn't have many rules, but the ones that were in place were akin to law. I was grounded once growing up, (my Junior or Senior year of high school) because I was ten minutes late for curfew. They did not yell or berate me. I knew I was in the wrong, and I was very upset. They gently explained what I could have done differently.

My parents don't have a perfect marriage, but they set the bar pretty high.

I will always be thankful for the way they raised me. I know that their teachings have saved me from making a lot of mistakes. I have never felt the need to "fit in" with anyone that obsessed over materialistic trends. Dismissing peer pressure was easy, and I didn't drink or do drugs. My parents taught me to love reading and appreciate the outdoors. They made me understand the importance of spending money responsibly and saving.

I have a long list of reasons why my parents are amazing, and I will never stop being thankful for growing up in such a stable and loving environment.

Mrswhiskers · 2014-02-11T16:55:59+00:00

Lol. I was just thinking about this the other day and wrote down my moms story. It's a sad sad story about how my parents roles in life completely flip flopped. :O(

FleetingWish · 2014-02-11T17:36:44+00:00

Like you, my parents are a great example of what not to do. My dad is a controlling beta. The type who has to work hard to seize control of his life and the people around him because he knows he doesn't have control. He hates being in control but is afraid of not having it. My mom is a "gimme" feminist. The type of feminist who thinks feminism is about stuff being handed to women on a platter. She's depressed all the time because having things she didn't have to work for doesn't make her happy, and the things she would have to work for she doesn't have because she won't work for them. She was also very uninvolved in my life. She didn't put any effort into raising me, so everything I learned about being a woman I had to learn elsewhere.

Because of my dad, I knew the kind of relationship I didn't want to have, and because of my mom I knew what kind of woman I didn't want to be.

2014-02-11T18:04:28+00:00

My parents were not ideal. I loved my mother to death and never thought of her as a bad mother despite the fact she made some poor choices (including smoking while she was pregnant). She was a very feisty woman, but she chose to stay at home while my dad worked. At first, when I was very little, the relationship was fairly good, and my mom kept up with tidiness.

As I grew up, it got worse (or I started noticing the problems). My mom got sick, and my dad fell into heavier drinking than he usually did. He pretty much became alcoholic. Thus my "daddy issues." Lost my mom not too much later (I was 15). My dad's remarried, but he and my stepmother don't even talk.

Needless to say, I will NOT be emulating their relationship if I can help it.

pinkantlers · 2014-02-11T18:37:22+00:00

Oh this is an interesting thread, thanks for posting it.

I don't know whether my parents relationship affected my current relationship. I think it was more seeing what didn't work in my past relationships that changed and shaped my views.

That being said, I think the type of man that my dad is has encouraged me to look for a 'good man' for myself. My dad is a very selfish, narcissistic person and if I'm being totally honest, has been emotionally abusive to my my mum and myself. He is the type of person to ask you your opinion of something, and then overrule it and say that we're doing the exact opposite, just to be controlling and spiteful. My current partner is the only person who has really ever stood up for me against my dad. That being said, me and my mum both love him a lot and he does have a good side too. I have a great friendship with him now and he's mellowed a lot with age too. He and my mum have managed to still have a close relationship and I think they will be fine. I know his problems are probably way more complex than I can imagine, but this is the side of it I've experienced.

My mum is a wonderful woman and I love her to bits (i know I'm biased). She taught me feminine skills like how to take care of a house, cooking and so on too. She was a SAHM when I was little and still takes care of most of the housework and cooking, so I suppose that may have shaped my idea of a woman's role in a relationship.

My grandparents on the other hand, had a beautiful relationship and they were both my role models as people. They doted on each other and still held hands constantly :)

wendy-fly · 2014-02-11T19:02:42+00:00

I have a similar story as many of you. My mom is in charge in my parent's marriage and my dad follows the "happy wife, happy life" motto. Their marriage has been difficult and I don't want my marriage to be anything like it.

Where my parents differ is that my dad suffers from depression and PTSD from his experiences in Vietnam. Growing up he was emotionally volatile and my mom was the stabilizing force in the family. They would fight terribly and I know she was unhappy. I sometimes wonder if he could have been a good captain when we were growing up or even now. Medication has helped tremendously but still, if it were up to my dad, they would sit at home all day and watch TV. My mom signed him up to volunteer with her and drags him on walks for exercise. I wish she respected him more, stopped treating him like a child, and used respectful language.

I think my parent's marriage is a strong influence on why I want a strong and stable captain. I want to be able to rely on my husband in ways my mom can't rely on my dad. I want my husband to be respected and honored in ways my dad has not been.

OmegaChick · 2014-02-12T00:03:51+00:00

I feel like I'm excluded from the womanly RP endeavors because of my past. Parents are divorced. My relationship with Dad ranges from nonexistent to occasionally ok. I find RP woman theory intriguing but in practice, well, basically took all the wrong turns, missed a boat and I'm on the other side of this wall.

honeydeviled_Ann · 2014-02-12T19:15:11+00:00

absolutely. violence. abuse. neglect. drug use. not only between them, but i was involved eventually and it never stopped. i am the unicorn, RPW (before there was a term for it, i've been in this game since I was about 6 years old)…but it came at a very painful price.

lady-lilith · 2014-02-13T04:26:17+00:00

Yay, analysis time! :)

My Dad is, in some ways, what you might call "beta" - although overall, he is a wonderful, loving man and a great father. My mom is no raging feminist or anything, but she is a modern woman, always worked and busted her ass, was very hands on with us kids. They love us a lot, and we have turned out a really tight-knit family with a ridiculous sense of humour. Overall my parents have always seemed to treat each other pretty well, and I think they are happy. If I had to characterize their main issue though, I would say my dad maybe suffers from a lack of motivation (very minimalist, likes nature and computers, not house proud at all, no motivation to travel, retired early and just kind of tinkers around with his hobbies). My mom is the "do-er" in the relationship, and as a result I think she struggles with how much respect she has for him. Of course these two things are related, I guess that is typical of a "blue pill" marriage.

I constantly see my dad try and flirt with her or joke with her and "get her going" (he still has that twinkle in his eye for her), and she'll kind of roll her eyes, and says "leave me alone", and rejects him - she has more important things to do, and she's frustrated and annoyed with him for some reason or other. I've never really seen her act like she's REALLY in love with him, the way I hope to be in love with someone when I'm 55... instead it's more like she tolerates him. Sometimes, now that I'm older, she'll vent to me about the ways he annoys her, which I dislike. Keep your children, and everyone else, out of it.

I went through a phase where I was incredibly hostile towards my dad in my teenage years, which I feel awful about. We have a great relationship now, but I've recently begun to wonder if I would have acted like that towards him if I had a better role model for respect. I think it's good for the mom to always display respect towards the dad in front of the kids, and that the parents have a united front so the kids know not to disrespect him (both parents deserve respect - it's just more commonly the father who is disrespected in these types of marriage). Sometimes I wonder if I'd have an easier time in my own relationship if I had that built-in, natural respect for men, and a better role model for true masculinity. I think my boyfriend's parents marriage could be described as more red-pill, so I feel that a lot of our struggles are due to having completely different role models for relationships. I've had to learn to watch what I share with my mom, and to take her advice with a grain of salt. In her eyes, I can do NO wrong, my boyfriend should always be 100% compassionate towards my feelings, if I'm pissed at him it's because he deserves it, and he, of course, doesn't fully appreciate me. Because I'm a special of course! As you ladies are well aware, this is not the most productive advice. I want to better myself, not have my mom stroke my ego, and it's very easy to fall back into that thinking when someone tells you you're right no matter what. On the other hand, my boyfriend got a healthy dose of tough love from his parents growing up. In my mom's opinion, the way my boyfriend was raised has resulted in him being a little "insensitive".

However, there have been a lot of great things that have come from having my mom as a role model - no matter how frustrated she gets, I've never heard her lash out or be really rude or sarcastic. Maybe a bit passive-aggressive at most, but overall she's level-headed and VERY loving, and I like to think she's passed on those qualities to me. It seems that no matter how frustrated she gets, she still goes about her "wifely duties", keeps things together and keeps the peace in her home.

Edit: I wanted to write "a few sentences" about this. Apologies for the novel!

Title	Did your parents relationship make you a RPW?
Author	Ruthydugs
Upvotes	12
Comments	28
Date	February 11, 2014 12:14 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1xlvi8/did_your_parents_relationship_make_you_a_rpw/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/did-your-parents-relationship-make-you-a-rpw.84260 https://theredarchive.com/post/84260

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