Advice on Dealing with STBXW

reddixmadix · 2019-09-20T00:39:10+00:00

Her problem is she is no longer your problem, and that's a problem.

She will do her best to get a reaction from you, don't you worry about that.

But you have to understand, this is an opportunistic behavior, this is not specifically designed for you.

You've mentioned how sexy her swimsuit was, how her breasts were "out there." You see, she didn't "dress" like that for you or your attention. That was for other guys that might have been around at the pool. That was the goal. The opportunity showed itself when she face timed you and decided to have some fun.

What her intention was, only she knows. Did she want to tell you "look at me, I'm here looking like this for other guys," did she mean to tease you sort of like "look what you are throwing away?" Only she knows, and only she should concern herself with that matter.

You're out. You say you put significant effort towards killing any feelings for her. Don't let her undo your hard work.

Remember, this woman cheated on you. Whenever she manages to get a reaction from you just remember she is the same woman who cheated on you. She doesn't respect you.

Go out, go on dates, have fun. The past is in the past. The future is ahead of you.

mayihaveatomato · 2019-09-20T00:58:19+00:00

You’re in a chess match. My ex played this game with me. Little flashes here and there, inviting me in for dinner, etc. My guess would be that it’s just a game to keep you on the hook as a fall back if she can’t find someone. Trust me, do not get back together with her no matter what she says. The relationship is probably already over and she’s stringing you along. Go get your own healthy relationship!

NWAustinDude · 2019-09-20T03:39:21+00:00

Agreed. Thank you all for the encouragement. These women, they are ridiculous attention vampires, especially the recently separated/divorced and honestly its pretty sad. I mean have some fucking class at least when your with my kids. She thinks that she’s still in her 20’s - shes 39 yrs old.

I know she is doing things, dropping little breadcrumbs to suggest the door is “still open” if only I had the balls to go open it...thats garbage. She left, she lied, she cheated, she quit - I already told her I will not chase her - and that I’m not going to fall on my sword in front of my son to get a cheating wife to come home - never happen.

My take is that she is just trying to string me along just for attention, and just in case her little experiment doesn’t work out. I think thats why she keeps telling me there’s no other guy. I don’t believe that shit for one second, and Its probably just plausible deniability in case that dude leaves her.

Meanwhile I’m working hard at getting fit and trying to date one of the hottest women I’ve ever met in my life., she was in a magazine recently, and my STBX knows her and “thinks she’s so great!” - if my ex found out who it was I think laser beams would shoot from her eyeballs! Haha

RamzFanz · 2019-09-20T01:04:37+00:00

My ex showed me her new tits. Her excuse was "is this bruising normal?"

I knew she was just trying to get a reaction.

None given. Ignore it, it will go away.

DoctorVonBacon · 2019-09-20T01:54:29+00:00

That was done to get a reaction out of you and to make you jealous or upset.

Ignore it. You are above these bs games.

Your kids are important. Her cries for attention are not.

Use your poker face. Do not take the bait.

tattood_low_life · 2019-09-20T02:04:54+00:00

Sounds like she lives for attention. Those types will stop at nothing as it feeds her. You did the right thing by ignoring it. That alone will drive those types insane.

I do not believe you are wrong for feeling angry, this was your spouse. You are doing the right thing by discussing your feelings and not letting yourself stay in your head.

You’ve got this bro, stay strong.

sc1617 · 2019-09-20T05:02:51+00:00

What you need to do is go as no contact as possible with your ex. Stop talking casually with her. Stop putting yourself in situations like that. See your child when it is your turn to see her, not facetiming where you are exposed to your ex like that. I think you are doing this, and saying these things because you aren't really over her and you like to tell yourself, and the readers of your post, that "there's still a chance". Maybe there is, but forget that. You are being toyed with and deserve better. Bear down, cut your ex out of your life, and only communicate, preferably by text, regarding your kid. You will feel much better and be out of this cycle of false hope you are in with her. And I'm sorry, not trying to offend you... but ask me how I know. Good luck.

warrior_up · 2019-09-20T05:22:30+00:00

Who cares. Give her nothing - keep moving forward

lifeline8tango · 2019-09-20T14:22:05+00:00

While my STBXW hasn't put on a flash show, she has tried to maintain my attention and got quite pissed when she found out I was moving on with life. It's an attention thing for them, even if they initiate the divorce, which mine did. Live you're life and don't react to her, which would be what she wants. Good luck.

NWAustinDude · 2019-09-20T20:14:28+00:00

Good point. I need to get back to my life, and re-focus my attention on more positive things. She really isn’t someone I want to know anymore. There is zero trust and even her parenting does not impress me. She continues to act as though nothing happened and life just moves on - no consequences. I find her to be pretty obnoxious now that we’re separated. She is very manipulative and no matter what she says to me I know its all about her being needy and opportunistic. All the advice here is very much appreciated. I just need to stay focused on my goals and put her in the rear view mirror.

Remainstrong · 2019-09-22T01:06:57+00:00

Sir, don't concern your self with her behavior. In divorce they're all full of s*it and unbalanced. I let my wife play me for a short while until a friend of 50 years got into my face one day and YELLED..... "YOU NEED TO BE THAT GUY I USED TO KNOW! THE TOUGH GUY, THE STRONG GUY, THE GUY WHO NEVER SWEATED AND LAUGHED AT ADVERSITY!!" I woke up on that day. Worry about YOU, prepare your mind and your soul for the war ahead. Don't try to figure her out, you don't know her anymore, she's your foe now. Best wishes to you.

NWAustinDude · 2019-09-22T17:15:30+00:00

100%. I needed to hear this message. The lies and bullshit seem endless, zero remorse other than a few forced statements. I believe the only remorse is truly that she got caught. I don’t feel like I know her anymore, but after almost 21 years its been hard to let go.

Her actions resemble those of a bratty, rebellious teenage girl. Wild fingernails, heavy makeup, over the top jewelry, even though she works a professional job. Lots of signals that shes easy and seeking attention wherever she can get it. It makes me sick that she is acting this way around my kids, especially my daughter.

I miss my kids more than her, and when I’m around her now my demeanor is more of the “old me”. I show zero emotions in person, mostly just cold but not impolite. The latter mostly on the advice of my attorney until the divorce is final. Keeping things civil in public and around the kids but remaining in control of the interactions at all times.

My misstep recently was my fault. Allowing her to get close and control the context actually enables her and signals weakness on my part. I’m coming to terms with this and trying to understand why I let it happen in the first place.

No man with any self respect would allow her back into his life after what she has done. Time to get back on point and keep her in the rear view. Thanks for your advice.

Notlikeotherguys · 2019-09-24T03:42:29+00:00

In a similar situation to you. While I understand the anger you feel, (I felt it too) I learned that the more I ignored her behavior the harder she tried to get my goat. Like you, my wife cheated and lied and was about 95% at fault for the failure of our 19 year marriage. The more I ignored her the harder she tried to get validation. She currently posts daily selfies of social media with her tits falling out of her shirt making duck lips. She's 43 and while still attractive her age is definately starting to show and it all just looks desperate and pathetic. Women are very vain, and their egos can't handle not being the center of attention. Wait until your wife starts dating again and posting all kinds of pictures with her new boyfriend with all kinds of cliche quotes about true love. and then a few weeks later a new boyfriend, and then a few months later a new one. All just to piss you off and show the world how much better off she is without you. It will piss you off, but the best revenge you can get is to act like you couldn't give a lesser fuck. Good luck. Be strong for your daughter.

NWAustinDude · 2019-09-24T06:08:47+00:00

Thank you for this. You’re right, it’s pathetic. I see the women on dating sites and the older ones at the bars. I found my ex on a dating site and she looked like a club groupie $&”@.

I know my situation isn’t unique. my ex in particular always had problems with seeking attention. When she couldn’t be the absolute center of my attention anymore, she went looking elsewhere. After all the years together, I swear that she was even jealous of the attention I gave my daughter. It was subtle, but I noticed it on several occasions. That never happened prior with my son.

My daughter wanted very little to do with me until the age of 18 months or so. Not from a lack of effort on my part, she just wanted mommy all the time. One day she suddenly realized that I existed and that was it - she was daddy’s girl. She was better behaved for me, followed me everywhere and I think my wife resented me whole-heartedly for this. We had our own separate set of problems, but this jealousy compounded things and I believe 100% that this affected the marriage and drove a very deep wedge between us. I find that extremely immature and selfish, but that describes my ex to the tee.

To this day, I have no idea what was happening or who she was/is fucking. It was shady, and I still don’t know if she was swinging, doing porn, escorting, or just having an affair. My belief is that it was all of the above on some level, but I have no answers yet. Maybe time will reveal what was going on. I think the only reason I care at this point is to confirm things and connect the dots.

I think the dots will connect much further back than I realized initially and thats why she is so careful not to tell me anything. She still continues to tell me that there’s no one else, but I caught her at 3 hotels and so many other shady activities, so I think she just wants to lie hoping to string me along or go down with the ship on her own story, even in the face of being caught. I want answers, but I’ve accepted that they may never come.

Since I originally posted this, I’ve already gone back to my previously adopted stance and have been no contact. I had to see her today actually to pick up some signed copies of school forms for my son. I was relaxed and calm the entire time. To be honest, she looked sad and out of place. I’ve known her forever and her eyes told me a lot. The mask she used to wear in order to lie and manipulate has been lifted and i’ve been able to see through many of her little misdirections.

I don’t think things have played out the way she expected. I’m not sure what’s going on but since I’ve gone no contact - shes called and texted multiple times again starting this afternoon, but I’m holding my ground.

The anger I felt was when I saw her and found her attractive again, just for a moment, but it surprised me and shook me a bit. I’m back on my feet now and going to continue moving forward.

Thanks for the reply and the advice. Much appreciated!

Title	Advice on Dealing with STBXW
Author	NWAustinDude
Upvotes	12
Comments	17
Date	September 19, 2019 11:59 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/d6mlfj/advice_on_dealing_with_stbxw/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/advice-on-dealing-with-stbxw.819201 https://theredarchive.com/post/819201

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