Am I in the wrong?

awesomeroy · 2021-03-26T03:44:17+00:00

Bro. you know the answer... at this point its more about convincing yourself to do what needs to be done..

No one reacts negatively or hostile if they didnt do anything wrong. They'd work to fix/correct the misunderstanding..

sicrm · 2021-03-26T03:54:06+00:00

she cheated.

get STD, DNA tests (if you have kids) and meet with a lawyer to see what a divorce would look like.

don’t move out of the house no matter what she says.

ask your lawyer what you’re allowed to record. things can turn nasty fast.

google the pick me dance and grey rock.

also build a support system between friends/family to help you get through this.

toooldforthisnonsens · 2021-03-26T04:00:32+00:00

/r/survivinginfidelity is your next stop. Sorry you've joined the shittiest club on the planet.

henrysmyagent · 2021-03-26T04:39:24+00:00

Yeah, she cheated. Turning the tables on you by pretending to be outraged and butthurt is a standard move right out of the cheater's handbook.

Lawyer up. Tomorrow! You need professional advice.

LongTimeOn · 2021-03-26T05:47:56+00:00

Yeah, she probably cheated otherwise why get all hyper defensive over a simple question. It could have been as simple as saying" who Dave?, he's Sarah's new BF who turned up for the day", but no she went and got all angry which shows she had something to hide.

This is not enough proof IMHO, I'd go digging for more, get a PI or raid her phone. We have learned from experience that if a woman is having a hard time in her main relationship, she starts setting up that next branch to swing to, so expect there to be other males offering "emotional support",. She'll be sleeping with (or planning to) at least one of them.

WartimeDad · 2021-03-26T08:34:11+00:00

God same exact shit. What is with the playbook. I’m honestly amazed over and over how so many of us go through the exact same shit. Terrible.

2021-03-26T12:28:02+00:00

Dump her ASAP. Then you have more leverage going forward. And you can make her chase the carrot on the stick if you wanna bang her later. Get ripped and work on yourself for a while

CHEPO1966 · 2021-03-26T05:49:58+00:00

The first thing, you know that this attitude is self-defense, she is having an affair with this guy, it is something that you find out and you will find out, you could, put a VAR in his car, at home, to find out what happens, you could contact one of her friends and find out what is happening and since when,

Brother, if you sweep this under the rug, it will never stop again, it will lose all respect for you, as it is doing right now, you must start acting differently, start being totally indifferent to her, if she wants to talk, tell her that The only way to regain your confidence is to be totally honest with you, and you go off or go out, do not allow them to continue manipulating you, you are already an adult man and you are clear about what you want for your future,

I opened, talked to a lawyer and see all my extensions, if you have children try to have 50/50, and order all the financial part,

Try to have all the evidence, emails, messages, check the account, and you can see the number with whom she communicates, the number of messages sent during that date, and if they were with her friends, or only she was with her AP.

Enroll in a gym, start about physical activity, that will help you both annually and physically, it will increase your self-esteem, you will start to see things from another perspective, or you will start acting, with character or you will lose everything,

this only depends on you,

Fit-Operation-7027 · 2021-03-26T16:07:22+00:00

She's going full GASLIGHT. I went through something similar with my (now Ex) wife.

Women are very good at hiding their bad behavior and your wife freaked because she left a loose end. It doesn't even matter that she may not have slept with that guy, it's the red flag of her lying and subsequent response.

Monolith0428 · 2021-03-26T22:32:10+00:00

You are NOT in the wrong. You know this in your gut. You asked her a simple question, and if it had a simple, believable explanation she would have said "Oh that was so and so's boyfriend, he came up for one night".

But she didn't do that. Instead of just saying who the man was she blew up, started yelling. This is called deflection. She is making a huge deal about you putting some pictures on the cloud so she doesn't have to tell you who the guy really is!

She is giving you the cold shoulder so you will chase her, all the time forgetting about the guy at the cabin. She has totally flipped the script and instead of her having to say who this guy is now YOU are on the defensive, apologizing for looking at some pictures and wondering who this guy was on a "girl's trip".

So you need to sit her down and tell her that she is behaving very oddly since you asked about the picture and it is really hurting your feelings that she won't just be honest with you. Tell her you won't go on like this and you two need to have an adult discussion without yelling or screaming.

If she refuses to sit down with her husband and have an adult conversation about her actions and who this guy is then you need to tell her you cannot continue your relationship as it is now. If she has so little respect for your marriage that she can't sit down and talk to you tell her that since she won't talk to you like an adult you will just have to assume the worst.

Also, stop chasing her. If she avoids you do a 180 and only speak with her if you absolutely must. Its called gray rock I believe, Google it. If she refuses to sit down and talk about her marriage do this immediately after.

If she refuses you need to walk out the door and go get a divorce lawyer. I'm not saying you have to divorce but you need to retain one and know your options. You may even need the lawyer to draw up trial separation papers since your wife has ceased to participate in the marriage.

I hope you saved a photo of the guy. Also, protect yourself financially and otherwise. Get a small digital tape recorder and start recording your (few) interactions with your wife. This could get very bad very quickly.

Heck its already bad. If she doesn't respect you or your marriage enough to talk with you then things aren't looking good. You should also realize she has had plenty of time to come up with a lie and have her friends back her up. So you may never know who the guy was. What you can know is if she cares about you and your marriage at all.

Best of luck. Start today, don't allow this to drag on and on.

Bipolar_investor · 2021-03-27T02:09:42+00:00

If she goes on a trip, you gotta question if you still should dip.

happyyalobusha · 2021-03-28T09:20:30+00:00

She got upset, yelled at me for spying on her. Now because things have been getting rocky she avoids me all the time. She’s tired, she’s exhausted, doesn’t feel good these are the only responses I get from her.

She is deflecting - clearly a sign that something was going on that she doesn't want you to know about. It is probably an affair.

And I got hit with a restraining order for 2 weeks. States she fears for her safety now.....

The restraining order makes it illegal for you to contact or communicate with her for two weeks. That time will probably be extended for one year if you are unsuccessful in contesting the RO. It also makes it illegal for you to be at your marital home with her or anywhere near her.

So she has managed to forever shut down answering your questions on who the guy in the picture is. If the RO is lifted and you ask she will simply threaten to get a new RO on you.

I hope that you have accepted that your marriage is over and that you need to move on ASAP.

She also has two weeks to be with the AP and try him out - without you being able to know. You have no way of knowing if the AP has moved into your marital home - or she may have moved in with him. So she is monkey branching and keeping you in the dark so you are Plan B. If the RO is not lifted in the two weeks she can continue the "try out" period with the AP for as long as she wants while still keeping you in the dark about the affair as Plan B.

She is also contacting your parents and friends - pretending concern for you - so she can manipulate them into thinking that you may be mentally ill. She has already portrayed you as an "abuser" by getting the RO. She would love it if she managed to get you fired from your job - so she would love it if you were jailed for violating the RO . Many employers have a policy of firing employees with legal problems. If you are unemployed it gives her advantages in a divorce.

Your mail is probably still going to the marital home. You should get a PO box and forward your mail to you. Having the mail go to you gives you the option of paying the utility bills, etc. You will also be able to see if she is running up the credit cards or getting new debt in your name. There may also be financial statements, etc. You can no longer trust your wife to get your mail to you. I hope that you have already cancelled joint credit cards, have your paycheck deposited in a new bank account at a new bank, etc.

If the RO is lifted after you contest it, you may still decide that it is best not to move back in the marital home. Think hard about this. If you do move back in with her you are exposing yourself to more of her schemes. Keeping up NC should be considered too. You will want to discuss this with your lawyer. If you do move back in you should go 180.

Hopefully, your lawyer is working as fast as possible to get the divorce paperwork ready. And hopefully your STBX is unaware that you are talking to a lawyer. Your lawyer may want to wait until after the court date to contest the RO to serve her. If she knows that you have a lawyer she may have her lawyer fight for the RO to be extended.

The STBX will probably do the crying, apologizing, etc in order to string you along as Plan B - per the cheater's handbook. She may really act remorseful, etc. And it is possible that the AP may have failed the "try out" or dumped her. Don't fall for it. Read the threads in Reddit. RUN, DON'T WALK AWAY from this relationship!

There are so many wonderful girls out there who would LOVE to find a loyal man like you with a job, good family, etc. There are lots of fish in the sea. So I hope that you are using this two weeks to learn about OLD and meeting quality women and to lose weight and improve yourself to make a better catch for some lucky woman. Some lucky girl will view you as a treasure and will never do you like your clueless STBX has!

xoxoLizzyoxox · 2021-03-26T04:54:00+00:00

You arent in the wrong for asking? How did you ask? She should just answer and dont know why its a big deal to explain who the person is and why he was on the trip too, unless you have a habit of interrogating her then I could see why her reaction of being tired of it would make sense.

happyyalobusha · 2021-03-28T12:25:02+00:00

A few things you might want to be prepared for when you attend the hearing in court on your temporary restraining order:

(1) She may be there with her lawyer to make the TRO permanent. Looking at the TRO paperwork may reveal if a lawyer was involved in filling out the TRO form. If she and a lawyer are there it probably means that they have some sort of "evidence" that you are a danger to her. Hopefully, there is no lawyer and she is surprised that you are there with a lawyer. So it is best for her not to find out that you went to a lawyer.

(2)She may have used a spy type voice recorder to record you raising your voice as you asked her about the picture with the man. She may claim that one of your friends or your parents told her ( during her phone call telling - lying - to them how concerned and worried she is about you ) that you just seemed to be a more angry and depressed person since the affair was discovered - so you are exhibiting signs of mental illness. The judge may require that you undergo a mental health examination. Or she may claim that you are using drugs and that the drugs make her afraid of you. So drug tests on you may be ordered. She and her friends can come up with all kinds of lies that will require you being tested.

(3)You should have a few friends attend the court with you. They should be prepared to testify about your character and whether they have witnessed any anger issues. They should be prepared to refute claims that you are mentally ill. They should be prepared to refute you being called and alcoholic or druggie.

(4)She can claim that you violated the TRO by spying on her - by asking a friend how she is doing. So be careful not to let one of her friends trick you into talking about her. Best to go NC with her friends. Be prepared to refute spying on her.

(5)She may start pressing your buttons and getting you angry before and during the hearing. Or accusing you of "glaring at her". Best to maintain NC and not stare at her. Act cool and professional.

(6)She may claim that you own a gun and that she is afraid that you may use the gun against her - that she is afraid of guns. So be prepared to offer to take any gun or guns to store at your parent's house.

Title	Am I in the wrong?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	25
Comments	45
Date	March 26, 2021 3:34 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/mdft42/am_i_in_the_wrong/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/am-i-in-the-wrong.1187609 https://theredarchive.com/post/1187609

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