Custody. Such an awful thing for a parent to experience and the kid to also. I’m in a predicament and I hope some outside insight can help. I have not filed for divorce yet but I will next week. I’m torn between two options.

Negotiate with my STBXW and not use lawyers. Or use a lawyer, get in even more debt, and fight for sole or primary custody . I currently have a lawyer in retainer just in case anything pops off where I’ll need one. I have two kids 5 & 2. We both agree on 50/50 but I am very hesitant with it. I will provide as much context as possible from both sides. I’ll list something’s that make me a bad parent.

I have some anger issues. I am being honest when saying they are mild and I’ve improved over time. I still need to work on it. They were never violent or aggressive. I have really bad insomnia that I am also working on. I also can tend to forget little things probably due to a bad concussion i had in an accident. I am getting some treatment for that. This leads me to mess up day to day things. I only go to school and can provide for my kids as I get a military pension. My plan is to just go to school until my youngest gets to kinder or 1st. I really believe that the children should be with me more.

She has had history of suicidal ideations, thoughts, and acts. I’ve called the 911 4 separate times, in our 8 years of marriage, to help me in a situation where I did not know what to do. She had never had therapy up until the time we discussed divorce. Which I am happy she is doing but I’m not sure if it’s consistent. She has also been a severe alcoholic since we got together. HUGE reliance to weed. Like it’s bad and does it around the kids sometimes. The beginning of the relationship she physically assaulted me with a closed fist. It was 2-3 months in the marriage. Yeah I’m stupid for staying but I though no big deal. Never had that again but I did have her grab my hands and not let me go then claim I’m hurting her as I was trying to leave. 3 separate times. I do not use anything (alcohol, weed, etc)

The drinking was the entirety of our marriage. She would also drink and drive constantly. She’s done it with my children in the car. She is still drinking. Her family are heavy drinkers. I’ve been the only one to push her to stop drinking. She’s also tried herself to be fair but hasn’t gotten far. As far as time for the children she would not be able to watch them as much. She’s asked me if I could help watch them . I can’t say no they’re my babies and I’d rather them be with dad safe. But I’m finding it unfair if we split 50/50 but it turns 60/40 or even 70/30.

My lawyer let me know my situation looks like a clear case to win sole or primary custody. I mean doesn’t every lawyer say something like that? Everyone has a perception. I see myself and my situation as a much more stable home life for my kids(aside from the trauma of divorce). I can stay home with my kids everyday. Almost indefinitely if I needed to. Everything I do, I can adjust easily for them with School, activities and the such. We both equally know the doc, teacher, everything about them. My own family encourages me to pursue primary custody to make sure the kids are safe.

I feel guilty. I love my mother. She helped me through so much in life. They also love their mother. Primary custody is the only thing I’d be comfortable with and more sole unless it was unsafe. I’m a girl dad and know my way around a brush, cleaning, and stuff I have to to know, but I still suck at somethings . I just want my kids safe, in a good environment, and fairness in it all. Not spending thousands of dollars I don’t have on lawyer fees is something I also want to avoid.

Obviously, there is so much more context in my situation. My eyes see one thing while another pair sees it differently. Can any of you give me some insight in how you feel about this. Should I just go about 50/50 and adjust when needed?

TLDR: I am claiming my STBXW to not be mentally stable and has a drinking problem that stems years. I am much more stable for the kids money, time, and shelter wise. Should I get fight an expensive primary custody battle or split 50/50 hope it’s not one sided?

Edit: both 30F, 30M