Coping without knowing the full truth, needing some help badly.

crowexplorer · 2021-09-30T06:04:07+00:00

You shouldn't snoop. Not because it's unethical or something, but because it's a waste of your time.

Women can treat you like you're the center of their universe and then switch it off like BLAM.

It's happened to me enough times that I know it's not a question of if they'll lose interest, but when.

WartimeDad · 2021-09-30T05:53:53+00:00

I know how you feel. Fucking sucks man. Here’s my $0.02:

Firstly know that the truth will come to you eventually. Six month time frame. It will come. Truth is sticky and weird. It just comes. For me I finally dealt with not knowing and then I got the evidence and suddenly the wound was fresh again.

Second, if you have a feeling in your gut that she cheated on you, then she DID. Don’t doubt this. She was overprotective of her phone because she was cheating on you. Your gut is right. Believe it.

Third, you deserve better than her. You deserve a caring and loving partner that does the hard work to make a relationship work. Fuck that cheatin hoe you don’t need that shit in your life. Good riddance.

So what do you do? You fucking exercise. You meditate. Basically you train your mind to get that monster out of there. To use a dumb metaphor, right now you’re in a bad storm. That shit is raging in your mind. Trying to make sense of shit. Trying to figure out what happened. What went wrong. Waves are crashing wildly around you and it’s hell. Exercise is your life boat. You exercise and now you’re in a boat. The storm is there but you’re in a boat. Meditate. Start with guided mediations. Mindfulness. Essentially it teaches you to be in the present moment. It calms the storm. Time+exercise+meditation and the storm will subside. The waves will decrease. They’ll still come, but it won’t be so vicious and the duration will be shorter and shorter.

Some cases are harder than others. Some storms are more brutal. Idk how bad your situation is. Kids? Financial ties that need to be undone? Point is, you’re not alone and many have been through much harder storms. Basically all of them went through that phase you’re in now. Basically all of them stand on the other side of it happier and stronger.

Curls. Push ups. I’m serious- that shit helps.

sicrm · 2021-09-30T06:12:24+00:00

nothing you’ll find will make you feel better.

spend time with friends/family and find ways to keep yourself busy (going to the gym, picking up a hobby and joining a club/class).

then when you have the time/means, pick somewhere you either always wanted to visit or haven’t been to in a while, spend a few days there to clear your head.

pegleg_legal · 2021-09-30T08:31:13+00:00

No matter how much you dig, you'll never know any truth she's not willing to show you. If you have a divorce or separation pending, all the more reason for her to hide any misconduct because - regardless of whether you live in a no fault state - it's not good for her case or settlement.

I stopped asking why questions a long time ago. There's no answer that will satisfy them - as any parent knows - why questions just lead to more questions.

She might also be embarrassed or ashamed. She might just want to keep whatever happened a secret. You don't have to accept this, but it's better if you keep learning to and trying to.

If your head keeps spinning, keep writing down everything you know and suspect in a notebook. What is your evidence, what are her behaviors. At least this way, you won't keep walking over the same old ground.

Shit just sucks sometimes. Sorry.

jgjg9999 · 2021-09-30T05:20:47+00:00

What's done is done. Im guessing you feel that knowing what happened will give you some closure but let me tell you it won't. Start thinking about what will make you happy going forward and focus on that. I know its hard, hang in there brother.

ZarBandit · 2021-09-30T14:00:20+00:00

Obviously there's no way to have 100% certainty but people's behaviors often fit a pattern, and it commonly predicts what happened to a surprising degree of accuracy. The best pattern that fits your wife's behavior is cheating and monkey branching.

Some dude caught her eye (often at work) and maybe he was flirting with her. They get to talking and now they're sharing secrets (emotional affair). She's getting tingles like crazy because it's sooo hawt and naughty. Meanwhile he's likely just leading her on for an opportunistic quick and easy lay.

So she gives him a test drive, and it's very exciting. All the things sexually she is reluctant to do for you, she enthusiastically does with him. Now you're painted as the asshole standing between her and her dream dude. But she hasn't secured him yet, so she bangs him some more to see if he sticks around hoping she can covert this into a relationship / commitment.

Once she thinks she has her hooks into him, she drops you like a bad habit. You're just the dead weight she had to jettison on her bullshit life journey (enrichment scheme).

But she's made a serious miscalculation. Once that scumbag has to deal with her full time, the sparkle fades very quickly. Maybe they try to make a go of it and have a committed relationshit. Then she's wondering if he's stepping out on her and vice versa. There's no honor amongst thieves or cheaters.

Her true feelings were that she's a selfish, immature, entitled, greedy narcissist, who never thought much about anyone other than herself. She views the people around her as tools and utilities to exploit. You were just another resource she exploited and then discarded when she had no further use for you. The feelings you had for her, she is incapable of reciprocating. She loved you like a car. Then she traded you in.

The silver lining is that people like her usually don't find happiness in the end. She should probably stock up on cat food, since those are her likely future companions. You do not want to have an albatross like her pulling you down in life. She has actually freed you from the burden that is her.

More information (e.g. age) could refine this narrative. But those are the broad strokes, if this is the correct pattern for her. If it's correct, then that's as close to the full truth as you're ever likely to get.

What next? Energy spent on an ex is energy wasted on someone who doesn't deserve it. Spend that energy on yourself.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-09-30T12:04:15+00:00

> She left suddenly and was immediately "moved on" mentally

No. She's been planning this for months, and she checked out of the relationship months ago. To you it's sudden, but not her.

> I feel like I HAVE to know what was going on before our split and her true feelings

You have to come to terms with the fact that you may never know. The sooner you let this go, the sooner you can start on your reconstruction.

MikeStidham · 2021-09-30T05:28:04+00:00

It took me five years, but she ended up spilling the beans to my new wife when we started dating...Confirmed my suspicions, at least.

dkf67 · 2021-09-30T08:40:56+00:00

Went through pretty much the same thing a year ago. The confirmation of your suspicions will come, probably not in a good way. I got my confirmation 9 months after she left when she stared dating the guy I was worried about. My suggestion to you would to be stop focusing on her entirely and focus on you. Do the thing you like to do and find happiness in you. When I found out they were together all I could do was laugh. I had already been making changes in my life that made me extremely happy. The big take away is for your sake you need to distance yourself from her emotionally and make yourself happy with you.

symolan · 2021-09-30T09:31:30+00:00

Of course there was at least something.

You know yourself that basically it doesn't matter what exactly. It's just the brain that won't stop.

If I knew how to stop my brain I'd give you advice. Unfortunately, I'm not too good on stopping that either.

Thus: just don't snoop. It will not make anything better and stuff will come out sooner or later anyway. Better in a way that doesn't make you self-conscious in the future.

Busy-Recording-1911 · 2021-09-30T13:05:32+00:00

Let it go. You can not nor could not control her actions. You can only control your actions. You can either live in the past or present and look to the future. I'll tell you my personal experience:

-Was married for 24 years, wife split too. I snooped and checked the text logs from our cell account. I couldn't read what was sent but could see the numbers and times texts were sent. She was texting her male boss at 10pm - 4am every night. They were on the phone with each other at midnight.

Where did it get me? No where really. Her claim is nothing happened; which beyond text logs I could not prove anything.

I moved on. I worked on myself. Regained my confidence, shed my insecurities etc. I realize that her leaving is truly her loss. I am happy with myself. Somewhere through marriage I lost my own identity. It happens and I'm human.

From there, I began dating again and met a wonderful woman. She knows about that I'm seeing someone and she is utterly pissed. She see's I'm happy and her leaving wasn't this horrible thing for me (as she expected it would be).

Just be happy. Stop living in the past and move on. Visualize your life 2 weeks, 3 months and one year from now. Where do you want to be? Do you want to be happy? What would make you happy? How would it go? Focus on your own happiness; be bold and get it.

hugiooofun · 2021-09-30T14:37:04+00:00

Ask yourself, "Is it a part of my nature to want to understand, 'why are things this way?'"
In other words, do you naturally try to understand the context/history of problems or situations? That may explain part of your drive. Some people have a natural desire to understand "What got us here?" Because of your emotional connection to her, you may find that you are allowing yourself to get out of control with this desire to know.
What are you doing to bring your focus to the present? Like, when you are finding yourself starting to want to know the answers, shift your focus to your present moment. What do you see around you? What do you smell? What do you hear? Start counting 10 breaths. Take a walk, and count your steps. All of those things bring your attention to the present.
What is your gratitude practice? When you are starting to want to know what happened, list three things that you are grateful for that has happened today.
Ultimately, you need to understand why you need to or want to know this information. You may have to work to create your own closure for this experience. What would you do with the information?

CarlsJrPaysMe · 2021-09-30T15:35:20+00:00

If I were to guess, you are looking for confirmation for a few reasons:

To know you're not crazy
You believe her potentially cheating says something about your worth
You wonder what this means for future relationships if someone you thought you knew well could do something like this without you knowing
You have some sliver of hope that your suspicions are wrong
You want to know what to tell people

As someone who has been through a similar situation, here is my opinion - none of this matters. No matter how well you think you know another person, you don't. All of us only know what the other person wants us to know.

If she cheated, it says nothing about your worth as a person or partner. It will take time, but you need to find your own worth.

Try this experiment - assume all of your suspicions are correct. Really spend some time believing it. Assume you know with 100% certainty she cheated and she tells her friends you are a fool. She's a shitty person. How do you feel? What does that change? What does it mean for your future?

I experienced all sorts of shady behavior. I tried for a long time to get confirmation. I had friends telling me I needed to move mountains to find out. Eventually (it took about 2 years), I realized it didn't matter. Whether she did or didn't, I wasn't going to find out unless I did things that weren't me and she created a situation that sowed doubt. That's not something a caring person does to someone they are in a relationship with. So, even if I got confirmation that she didn't cheat, she still showed herself as a person who enjoyed creating questions for me and engaging in untrustworthy behavior. Did I really want to invest further mental and emotional energy into someone who reveled in keeping me off balance and then blaming me for it?

When I got comfortable with myself and my own worth independent of her is when I was free from caring about what she may or may not have done. In my view, that is the key to your mental freedom. Getting confirmation won't get you there, so just assume your suspicions are correct and take your first step toward being free from her.

warrior_up · 2021-09-30T19:43:02+00:00

You dont want to know, its worse than you think. Doesnt matter - it happened to all of us, what you need to do is get educated on female nature. This isnt the 60's anymore, that phone she has is a box of dicks and thirsty men giving her attention - shes in la la land until she gets pumped and dumped.

Remember you're months if not a year behind where she is emotionally, she started painting you and the marriage black a long time ago and has been feeding on new relationship feels, you cant bring her back or compete with the honeymoon new relationship emotions. You're still in shock trying to figure out who this woman that used to be your wife is right now.....wasting your time. Woman dont leave a relationship without something lined up - for that reason alone theres no going back so change something to make yourself uncomfortable, no kids move, no child support - change jobs, change up the scenery to keep your mind busy as you have a ways to go before youre even close to as emotionally detached as she is.

The reason is to save some self respect and show this chick she belongs to the streets - enjoy it. Whatever her new relationship is was developed when she was married - this guy or guys arent in it for the long haul, trust me. NEVER TAKE HER BACK

BlackFire68 · 2021-09-30T11:37:16+00:00

stop snooping... more information gives you no more peace. go focus on you and ignore her as much or more than she is ignoring you

CropCircle77 · 2021-09-30T13:01:18+00:00

If there's ONE thing I hate, it's snooping on your partners phone like you're fucking entitled to it.

My phone is my sacred private place. It shall not be breached. In a relationship it's a matter of trust. Mine is usually not locked because I don't feel the need to. I don't WANT to feel the need to. Neither is hers (my spouse). No need to. I've picked it up now and then for some reason or other, had a glance, oh, might be important, bla bla. Seen incoming from whoever. Sometimes I read it, sometimes not. I don't feel the need to. And again, I don't WANT to feel the need to.

She keeps in touch with former male aquaintences. I know that. Why shouldn't she?

I have access to her emails and her online banking because I fucking set them up! I don't go there except for administrative purposes. I don't even have the passwords written down like my own. It's just still in my browser.

Heck, I still have access to my fathers email account that I set up for him back in the late nineties. But I don't go there. The reason I know is because I got curious a few years ago, and I checked, once.

Login, gotcha, logout.

And that's that. I'll let him know.

Don't. Fucking. Snoop.

ProchinaMarxist · 2021-10-02T02:15:39+00:00

She was a whore, she got pummeled like a roasted chicken by as many men as you can think of, that's the sad true, if you don't have kids and don't have to pay allemoney you're better off than sustaining a girl who belongs to the streets.

Awfully_Thoughtful · 2021-10-03T12:56:23+00:00

I snooped and found out her "friend" was a guy she'd been cheating on me with. She was hiding a double life with the guy for 5 years...it wrecked me but I healed from it. Becareful what you wish for it may devastate you.

Title	Coping without knowing the full truth, needing some help badly.
Author	Some_Campaign2764
Upvotes	14
Comments	25
Date	September 30, 2021 5:08 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/pycyar/coping_without_knowing_the_full_truth_needing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/coping-without-knowing-the-full-truth-needing-some.1073439 https://theredarchive.com/post/1073439

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