Im reclusive by nature, and I'm most comfortable handling my issues alone. But it would help me right now to write something right now.

I just had a pre mediation meeting last week, and today I found out the actual mediation will take place in March. Things have been taking so long that it feels like it will never be over. My stbxw was served last november, and she panicked at the time and doesn't understand all the legal language and what it really means. She just needs someone who isn't me to explain it all to her. And so we waste 4 more months.

I've been in a state of overwhelm for the last year. I can't do the simple things anymore. 2 weeks ago, I went through my mail for the first time in 4 months. I can't take on any more stress, even as small as that. Or checking my email. I've been relying on a text message or call. Or I have managed to glance at my email to read the first few most recent subject lines. Only when I absolutely know something is coming. I havent gone out or done anything in the last year. Ive always been extremely conservative with my finances, but paying for 2 rents for 3 years trying to find my way out of it has left me with a lot of debt.

I wear the same 3 shirts to work every day and I only have 1 pair of pants. Not only can't i bring myself to spend money on me, I can't handle the stress of an errand like that. On top of the anxiety of going into a public place like that. I've never been this bad.

Last month, she needed rent again, and seeing the "I'll pay you back when I get paid" one too many times, I had a talk with her. She couldnt pay for January because she quit her job early December and kept telling herself (and me) that she's "applied everywhere" and "nobody had contacted me". That was the whole month. Apparently she's supposed to start a job this week at $20/hr. So, she told me shes going to pay me back with 2 weeks of work while also having enough for Feb coming up. Part of her actually believes herself. I think it's just her coping with it.

Anyway, I didn't just help her out this time. I actually talked to her and wanted to make it clear that there's not a chance she will be able to pay me back. I told her that if I did help her out, paying me back is simply just not possible and I wanted her to acknowledge that. Then we talked about her quitting her job and being unemployed for 3 weeks. She could have found something, anything within 2 days. I also told her that she needs to consult with someone to help her with her finances -- because she has never listened to me. Her brother, sister, or some program to help her stop making bad decisions (like signing 1 year leases for places she can't afford by herself). I told her that unless those things are addressed, I wasn't willing to help this time. I also told her that she's going to need to move out of her 3 bedroom apt, or she will get evicted because I reminded her that my support for her rent will end very soon regardless.

She told me she knew I wouldn't help, and it was a waste to call me and how all I wanted to do was what tell her what she was wrong. She then told me that all her ex's are doing fine financially, and how I'll be fine and be able to get out of debt no problem after all this is over.

I have a college degree. I work my ass off as a software engineer, so to hear her say "no problem" to the absolute disaster she put me in. To hear her use my success against me, like my job is something that was just given to me. All in a phone call asking for a free $900 from me? Thats when I just asked "Really? No problem paying the $15 thousand in credit cards, and the $20 thousand I still owe my parent?". "Yes." "No problem." "Yes". I hung up. I would normally get outraged because it's her and I hate her, but something was different. I was genuinely telling her the inevitability of everything. I never said I wouldnt have helped. I wanted to bring reality into it. And after she made all her mistakes seem like nothing. And after she made $900 for January seem like nothing, then I guess, things are what they seem. Her parents, who cant afford it, paid for her rent. I'm done paying for 2 places, and I can't tell you how amazing that feels.

Ive noticed that since that day, I have been slowly crawling out of this mental hole. I havent had a drink in 2 weeks. It used to be a 350 ml vodka every other day. I cleaned my apartment better than it's been for over a year. I played with my daughter most of the time I had her over the weekend. And my gaming is coming down from addiction levels.