Getting Worse

painfulletdown · 2026-02-17T10:14:11+00:00

recommend reading some of amy baker's books to combat the alienation

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-16T14:17:05+00:00

Turned your 16yo against you how? Your child is nearing adulthood. Certainly you have taught your child about critical thinking skills, have you not?

Grafixx5 · 2026-02-16T10:48:28+00:00

My friend had the same thing happen to him and still has it happen. He divorced like 12 years ago when the kids were I. Like elementary school and now they’re 20, I think. They only go to him for money to buy things because their mom says she has none, even though he was giving her like $3200/month in CS. The words they use towards him and the sayings are exactly what she would say to him but she says she doesn’t manipulate and that he is narcissistic…

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-02-16T09:07:02+00:00

This one is always tough. To sum up what's happening, the stable parent gets the worst of it.

My ex (our boys mother) would tell the boys, horrible, horrible things. ie. if you share things with dad, he'll call the police and you'll never see me again. Yes, like that level. They had to learn how to manage their mother, walk on eggshells, etc.

Then, they come back to you. They feel safe, there's structure, predictability, routines, etc. When kids come back to these spaces they can relax and they can let out what has been boiling inside them. They know they are loved, they know they will be cared for.

It sucks to take the brunt of it like that. To be the proverbial 'punching bag'.

That said, there are limits. You can accept that's what they are going through _and_ you can help them. Here's one way to start: After a situation where they 'let off steam' happens and they have had a chance to cool down, sit down next to them and say "You showed some pretty strong feelings earlier. What's really going on for you to lash out/react/treat me like that?". Make it about the actions, the feeling, the behaviour and not the individual.

If you find they are not receptive to have a conversation or it continues, one thing you can say is "Where did you learn it was ok to treat others like that?" Again, it's about he behaviour and not the individual. It's also getting curious and wanting them to share, to be heard.

When they start sharing, here's the important part ... keep your mouth shut ... It's going to be hard and you must do it. When they have shared and they have stopped talking for a minimum of 5 seconds, ask "What else?" and then don't say a word until they are done. Repeat as many times as necessary. When you think they are slowing down, after a 3 second pause ask "Anything else?".

After they have it all out, then and only then will they hear anything you say. First acknowledge them for sharing everything with you. Let them know it's hard to do that and you appreciate them taking that step and getting it out.

Then ask them if they would like any input, information or have any questions they would like answered or that they just wanted to vent and get it out. If they just wanted to vent do not continue the conversation. Thank them for sharing and move on.

If something happened that crossed a line during the outburst, then bring that up that it's not cool to 'threaten, name call, abuse, etc' and that you can work together on how to manage things better in the future. Keep it simple and move on.

I know, I know. You'll want to defend yourself. How could your ex say do, coach, manipulate your kids like that. Guess what, it isn't going to stop. It doesn't matter what you say, what the authorities say, what the judge says, or what's in the court documents, they are still going to say it. So your next best option is to teach them how to communicate, what appropriate outlets are, etc.

This teaches them you are still the stable, steady, predictable parent which they so desperately need. Yes it sucks right now and it will get better.

It's 4am where I am, so if you want any clarification or have any followups reach out. You got this. It's not fun when it happens and please know that they do it because you are the stable one.

And yes, Her comment was meant to bait you and get under your skin.

Big hugs

Accomplished-Bet-883 · 2026-02-16T07:39:47+00:00

It's not just teenagers. My grown daughters stole my dogs and went no-contact without ever saying why.

Neat_Sprinkles_7020 · 2026-02-16T06:42:35+00:00

Your mental strength is being tested here. I remember not being able to hold it together. The ex played the victim. My daughter sided with her mother. I lost my cool and looked like the bad guy many days. I needed a break from the both of them. It seemed like nobody cared about me. I cried. This went on until I found the way. Extremely loving yourself is the only answer to healing and of course time. Never ever let them see you broken. You are a man.🚀💪

Separate_Patient_524 · 2026-02-16T06:33:56+00:00

If its "STBX", then you are likely in the roughest patch of your breakup. Hang in there. Reach out to friends and family as you are able. Concentrate on your job, your hobbies, etc. to take your mind off the bad stuff which inevitably comes to pass when splitting... It may not get easy, but it'll get less hard as things settle down and you toughen up.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-02-16T06:21:30+00:00

Teenagers can be very hard to deal with. They can be rebellious and its all very frustrating, I know.
Best you can do is to stay calm under fire and let them know you love them no matter what they/she thinks or says about you. And that you will always be there for her.
Fight fire with love with your children. Your ex? Just grey rock her all the way through these dramas.
You can only control yourself, how you respond (not react) and what is under your influence.

Title	Getting Worse
Author	Delicious-Curious
Upvotes	9
Comments	13
Date	February 16, 2026 5:40 AM UTC (5 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1r61au6/getting_worse/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/getting-worse.1573587 https://theredarchive.com/post/1573587

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