Has anyone gone through mediation

TomTomReyRey · 2026-03-10T18:30:49+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate you taking the time out to respond. I do think a court would rule in my favor, but maybe I’m being biased. I guess I feel it as I’m being fair and she’s being controlling and just wants to won’t because she’s been entitled her whole life. I have a meeting with my lawyer soon and hopefully he steers me in the right direction. I think she may be in for a little shock if her lawyer doesn’t prepare her. Everyone else is taking care of her divorce besides her. Family and friends are making her decisions and I’m not sure she even knows what she put in her filing papers. However, I’m super anal and I need to know what every line means. Thanks for your input.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2026-03-10T18:01:08+00:00

Mediation is about moving people off extreme positions without going to court. My ex had the same extreme positions and we had 2 failed mediations for temporary orders. I knew the court alternative and how they would rule so I stuck with that. I got what I wanted in temp. orders hearing. The final mediation was successful because the court had already established the basline.

Right now she’s starting from “I want everything,” which is actually very common early in the process.

A few suggestions going in:

Know your court-baseline: Before mediation, know what a typical court outcome would look like (custody norms, asset split, house equity, etc.). Your proposals should track slightly better than that but that is the minimum that you would accept in mediation. Mediators often reality-test positions by asking, “What do you think a judge would do?”. My mediator was a retired judge so that helped.
Let the mediator do the reality checks: Good mediators will quietly tell each side when their expectations are unrealistic. They won’t “rule,” but they absolutely pressure-test positions by explaining risk, cost, and likely outcomes.
Focus on packages, not single issues: Don’t negotiate item-by-item. Think in terms of trade-offs:
- Custody schedule for financial concessions
- House buyout for retirement offsets
- Timing of payments for asset division
Stay calm and reasonable: If one side looks rigid and the other looks pragmatic, mediators tend to steer toward the reasonable party’s framework. Have snacks, coffee, water, etc. nearby and always be ready to take a break if needed.
Expect movement during the day: Most mediations start with both sides far apart. The goal is gradual narrowing. The first offer is rarely the final one.

And one last thing: don’t worry about “winning” the argument in the room. Your leverage is the court. If your position is close to what a judge would likely order, you’re negotiating from solid ground.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-03-10T01:21:20+00:00

Mediation is normal and happens in almost every divorce. Here are some tips: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1qv0k8w/fundamentals_tips_for_meditation/

jimsmythee · 2026-03-10T00:03:50+00:00

In AZ, there's mandatory free mediation offered by the county, so the couple and decide on anything/somethings/nothing-at-all so the judge doesn't have to decide.

I went there. The mediator and my exwife both ganged up on me. Exwife would say, "If you agree to xxxx, I will agree to yyyy." So the mediator would say, "jim, do you agree to xxxx?" I would say "Yes" and the mediator typed it into the computer. Then the mediator would say to my exwife, "Do you agree to yyyy?" And my exwife would say, "Umm, I need to think that over" and then change the subject. The third time she did that, I pointed it out to the mediator and she said, "Don't stop now, we can circle back. We are making great progress." Then another time while I was arguing for 50/50 custody, the mediator said, "Only a horrible person would take the children away from the loving arms of their mother."

Then towards the end, I was beaten down by the both of them. I had practically signed my life away. And then when I said, "what about the stuff she agreed to?" The mediator hit print and said, "I think we are done here!"

Then fortune favored me. We walked out, and the notary went home early. So the mediator handed us each a copy and said, "Get this notarized and submit to the court."

I got a breath of fresh air and I realized it's not signed. I tossed it in the trash. I texted my exwife, "See you at trial!"

At trial, she submitted that agreement as a "Partially signed mediation agreement." The judge also tossed that in the trash. And I did way better at trial. I made out like a bandit.

BigBubbaMac · 2026-03-09T22:10:15+00:00

I'm in CA. Mediation for us worked like we both had our chance to speak to the mediator separately because I have a restraining order against her.

The mediator has a template she followed. I was allowed to add any info I thought was important.

My ex got her turn.

We didn't agree in anything.

The mediator used information from both sides to come up with her recommendation that favored me. Either side can argue against the recommendation if they want to but in my case the judge went with it.

My next mediation is Friday. I'm fairly confident that I'll get another favorable recommendation.

ageoffri · 2026-03-09T20:59:27+00:00

Assuming that you are in the US, the key piece of information that is missing is what state do you live in?

Mediation in my experience is useless and all it is good for is to get intel on her and to get the certificate that we need in CO to go to a hearing.

The mediator is going to want to come to an agreement and they will quickly figure out who is the weaker party and focus on them to get more out of them.

Before you go into mediation, have your absolute bottom lines ready. Are you only going to settle for 50/50 and joint decision making? Are you going to settle for half the equity in the house?

Can you exchange equity in the house to get an equal amount of your investments and retirements?

Can you do contractual alimony and agree to none or reduce from your state normal?

Acceptable-Buddy4303 · 2026-03-09T20:08:03+00:00

I went through two rounds of mediation before coming to an agreement. Some mediators have court experience and will chime in accordingly.

Your ex sounds like she's got a screw loose, but may be asserting herself to try and spook you into a much better settlement for her, or she truly believes she's entitled to the lion's share. Either way, don't fall for it.

Your attorney should help you prepare your financial statements and what you want as far as assets, custody, and so on. They should also help you with a negotiation strategy to ask for more than you'd settle for so you have room for some compromise, which is likely what your ex is doing.

Don't give in to her bullshit, even if her lawyer seems to fully support her insane demands. That's part of their job, after all.

You get to decide what you are willing to give up and the non-negotiables. Make those clear to your attorney, then let them help you get you the best possible outcome for your situation.

My attorney was very clear and direct about what the law says and what would likely happen if my case went to trial, which really helped keep things in perspective for me.

Godspeed.

Dry-Peanut6627 · 2026-03-09T19:28:02+00:00

Find out what the statutes in your state say. Use Claude or ChatGPT to help. If it’s 50/50 state then her attorney knows that and is milking the billable hours.

Understand your rights as a parent in your state. And make those non negotiable. It sucks we go from 100% to 50%, I get it. Be strong physically and mentally. Use the frustration of the divorce to lift weights and go for walks outside. Become an even better dad and role model to your kids than you are now.

Remember. Your attorney, her attorney, the GAL and the judge are all in the guild together. It’s called the Bar Association. They go to dinners and bars together, even Bar family picnics. After your case, your attorney could be the GAL in the next case.

DevinB12 · 2026-03-09T19:21:53+00:00

So very similar situation...went back and forth for months without coming to an agreement. She filed originally, was wanting executive rights to make all decisions for my son after "meaningful conversations" with me... yeah right... and she didn't want residence to be restricted to one county or school district...that way, when she can get a better job, she can move away and take him with me. all of this with custody being 50/50. We went back and forth for 5 months and didn't make any progress. My attorney finally convinced hers to go to mediation in hopes that we can come to a resolution.

Mediator met with her first, and then me...went back and forth a few times... and she was really good, she advised us both on what a judge would or would not agree with.

In the end, I got EVERYTHING I wanted... Joint conservatorship, neither of us having exclusive rights, we both have to agree. She is also tied to the school district we live in now... she can't move or change schools unless we both agree, in writing...

So in the end, it was good to do the mediation...we both signed, her attorney was able to get the judge to sign in and get it filed within 48 hours.

Title	Has anyone gone through mediation
Author	TomTomReyRey
Upvotes	3
Comments	22
Date	March 9, 2026 7:12 PM UTC (4 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1rp9li3/has_anyone_gone_through_mediation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/has-anyone-gone-through-mediation.1575095 https://theredarchive.com/post/1575095

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