HELP!!!

Remarkable-Potato21 · 2022-04-24T13:36:30+00:00

You're not leaving your child. You're embracing yourself. Be true to your feelings. Your child needs a happy and committed father. For me, with a 3 yrold it's hard enough keeping up with them and being "happy" all the time. That's just not how life works. Being supportive, caring and comforting comes from a place of peace inside you. If you are stressed/anxious constantly around your s/o it brings you out of that peace. Lose the fear, embrace the peace. For me, separation brought on alot of negative feelings. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Work on your positive attitude and take it one day at a time. You deserve to be happy and it will only strengthen your bond with your kid.

hanktertelbaum · 2022-04-24T14:57:24+00:00

Hard truth ahead ... it never goes away. You'll have to leave, she won't have memories of you ever living with her, she may blame you or be told to blame you (for anything and possibly everything), you'll have to deal with future partners/husbands and that means another male in your role as dad, you may not have access or control over things she does, your values as a parent won't be effectively reinforced, etc etc etc... Some questions to consider: do you value these things over your own happiness? If so, can you effectively maintain a stable environment for her to experience these things as you intend? If no to one or both, do you feel comfortable that your ex will provide a safe and stable environment without you? Will shared custody be possible and if so, can you provide a safe, stable, and happy environment for her on your own time/terms? There's no perfect answer. If there were, we wouldn't need the sub or each other. If you're the kinda guy that actually cares about your kids, it's the shittiest thing in the world to happen. Regardless of what you decide, good luck to you and your daughter. And def keep finding good supports to keep yourself happy and healthy.

LowerFars · 2022-04-24T13:27:29+00:00

Have considered the possibility that you can have 50/50 custody? Why do you think you're leaving the kid behind?

Knave7575 · 2022-04-24T20:09:53+00:00

Assuming you have 50%, you are not leaving your kid behind. It amazing how strong of a relationship you can have with your child even with just 50% of the time. Honestly, my relationship with my children now is much better than it would have been if I did not get divorced.

Of course, if you are actually leaving your kid, then you should be afraid, and I have no sympathy for you at all.

CRobinsFly · 2022-04-24T14:26:47+00:00

I'm going to present an unpopular opinion: I dont think there's anything wrong with "abandoning" your child. I mean - I'm doing it, per say. Pay the child support if you have it but focus on yourself now, be as involved or uninvolved as you want.

In my case, I was literally working myself to death to be with my 1yo and a spouse that literally dispised me and always thought I never did enough. I have a 3.5 hour commute to go home so most days I literally slept in a tent in the woods or my car, as I am not risking my life to drive home to sleep. On the 3-day weekends it was constant criticism or endless honeydos, every time a fight for sure.

When she asked for the divorce it turned into relief for me - I knew of a job that would hire me for a 30% raise but across the country, so I called them up an accepted it. I hadnt pursued it before because the ex wouldnt even move closer to my job to shorten my commute because it'd have extended her 40 minute one that she went in 1/2 time for (so a move across the country for MY job would be out-of-the-question). Now, ex thinks I am immoral for "abandoning" my daughter - hey, she's the one that wanted the divorce and was making my life hell. I was willing to put up with our unhappiness, she's the one that threw in the towel ("because you say mean things that strike at who I am as a person")... my life is about me again and everything else that gets my attention is by my choice.

paz- · 2022-04-24T13:49:43+00:00

It is fucking hard and doesnt happen overnight. Itll take a lot of work and effort on your side. But it is achievable. Have you confronted the issues assertively that are causing you to be unhappy with your wife?

James1933-75 · 2022-04-24T14:31:03+00:00

What causes your unhappiness? Is she cheating on you? Is she emotionally abusing you? Or is it a fall out of love scenario?

JonathanApple · 2022-04-24T15:48:45+00:00

Yeah yeah yeah, all the positives but don't discredit your fears. It is awful, and as my kid is aging she also is deeply impacted by the divorce. Don't read that bs in books and believe it. My parents divorced too and I hated it as a kid.

All the bs is just to make folks feel better about ruining a family. IMO

pegleg_legal · 2022-04-25T01:53:19+00:00

It's called co-parenting. Read up.

martimook · 2022-04-25T02:32:57+00:00

I get where you're at. I'm going through some shitty situation. 2yr old might be moving across the country with ex. Could be on the hook for up to 5k a month in support. 50% of all my assets for the last 6 years. I'm not even fucking married lol.

Just have to weather the hurricane shit storms until you get to the brighter side of the shit sea.

yeldellmedia · 2022-04-25T03:56:05+00:00

Why not have equal Custody?? Just because the relationship didnt work had absolutely nothing to do with your parenting of children. 50/50 custody is default position

Title	HELP!!!
Author	No_Paramedic_9020
Upvotes	7
Comments	24
Date	April 24, 2022 12:57 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/uau8ok/help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/help.1111338 https://theredarchive.com/post/1111338

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