How do I start a divorce

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-28T20:11:45+00:00

Here's why you need an attorney and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/

Pmoneywhazzup · 2026-02-27T20:11:58+00:00

Stop having sex with her. Now. Pregnancy will screw up everything.

EitherBedroom2341 · 2026-02-27T18:08:12+00:00

plan your exit.

fteq · 2026-02-27T14:02:10+00:00

First - slow down. Divorce isn’t something you “surprise” someone with in a way that gives them no say. Even if you don’t want the confrontation, the court process requires notice and procedure. What you can control is preparation.
Basic steps (general info, not legal advice):
Check your state’s residency + filing requirements.
Confirm whether it’s a no-fault divorce state (most are).
Gather documents: income (VA benefits, GI Bill, job pay), lease, car title/loan, bank statements.
Don’t move money around in ways that look suspicious.
Consider whether VA disability income is treated differently in your state (often protected, but details matter).
If money is tight, look into legal aid, courthouse self-help centers, or filing pro se for a simple, no-kids divorce. Before filing, it can help to organize a clean timeline + asset summary. AI Lawyer can help you draft a basic filing checklist and questions specific to your state so you’re walking in prepared - but if you can, even a one-hour consult with a local attorney is worth it.

NilesGuy · 2026-02-26T18:31:28+00:00

Negotiate with her directly first. Agree to walk away with each party responsible for their debts , wave alimony and walk away with personal property. Then hire an attorney to file & draft up marital settlement agreement. Have her sign and notarized. This is the cheapest safest option . Worse case scenario you might have to offer her something (money ) in exchange to wave temporary alimony depending on your state laws. Or you’ll pay temporary alimony. Regardless, she’s going to have to work

Olderbutnotdead619 · 2026-02-26T17:53:35+00:00

Use free legal aid and divorce.

Positive_Rub_6696 · 2026-02-26T16:26:53+00:00

You may feel that you cannot afford an attorney, but neither can you afford to get it wrong. Do yourself a favor and at least meet with 3-4 local attorneys, then proceed accordingly. Ask a lot of questions. Also look into any free legal assistance provided by the local courts; if you decide to forego an attorney, the courts usually have services to assist you with filling out and filing all requisite forms.

Number007 · 2026-02-26T13:59:20+00:00

Find a lawyer!!! Laws vary by state, he / she should be able to inform you if what you can/can't do!!.. Sorry to hear ..

Gattsama · 2026-02-26T13:08:39+00:00

CUT & PASTE

Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free.

Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash / assets the day before or of filing. The date of filing normally locks in debts and assets. Anything new after that is separate (in most states).

Confirm the no fault conditions for your state. Some states have a 1 year mandatory separation prior to final settlement. However, separation is a legal status not a physical state. You can be separated but live in the same house (eg move into the guest room and put a lock on the door). Since you have kids do NOT leave the house without a court approved / ordered parenting plan in place. That can be seen as abandonment.

Divorce has three parts: communal assets / debts, spousal support and child support. Each of these are calculated separately. You can however use the assets/debts to balance out or in lieu of support. You can NOT normally negotiate child support (as in theory this is for the child).

The child has three parts: custody, residency/visitation and support. Understand that you can get 50/50 custody but that is separate from residency. Most people today are aiming for equal residency as well: 7-7 (7days with mom, then 7days with dad) or 5225 (5 days with A, 2 days with B, 2 days with A, 5 days with B). In some states child support is just a formula, Google for your state.

Your retirement accounts are a community asset. Anything earned during the marriage (what you earned before is normally safe) is 50% hers.

If you want to keep your retirement accounts, then what you have to do is an uneven distribution or buy her out. Ex 1 - you have 100k of assets, 50k debt and 60k of investments. You keep the 60k but now owe her 30k; so you either give her 30k more of assets or you take an extra 30k of debt. Ex 2 - you give her $30k of extra spousal support or cash. Same is true if you want to keep the home.

The house has two parts. Title and mortgage. Changing the name on the title is as simple as a few forms and fees at the court house. The mortgage however can not be changed without refinancing. So again 3 choices: refinance loan, assumption loan or sell the house. If you get a new loan she still has to get her half of the equity. Either you buy her out (cash), an unequal distribution, or roll into spousal support. If you sell the house, again it's a 50/50 spilt or the equity can be use in lieu of.. (aside - in my case we have to sell the house, I plan to use my half of the equity in lieu of support. So just give her a huge ass check and have no spousal support after final settlement and we have no kids).

Check if you can legally record conversions in your state. If so buy, a recorder from Amazon. Record everything, can delete at the end of each day if nothing happens. Document everything, not a diary just your life: picked kids from school, did homework, etc. To show you are a good parent.

Contact an attorney, tell them your concerns and review your case (normally first 1hr consult is free). Do not tell her shit until you are prepared. Ask your attorney what temporary orders can be filed to prevent the kids from crossing state lines, visitation, etc. This also varies state to state.

We don't know you or her. IF you think she will be reasonable. Make the plan, have everything on stand by but before pulling the trigger on temp orders, attorneys and escalation; confront her, and see if she is willing to be reasonable and have an uncontested divorce via mediation. Tell her you have filed and there is no repair. I love you and feel horrible. IF she is feeling guilty and workable might not need the temp orders as these pretty much put an end to mediation. IF you know she's crazy, likely to be crazy or takes the news crazy; those orders need to be done at the time of filing or ready to file is things go side ways.

Beside the excel sheet, make a word document with a master timeline is also good to have. Again, you can do this with Google docs and sheets with your new Gmail account. It's not just that you don't want her to see this stuff it's that you want to create a new separate life & systems.

All assets and debts from the time you marry until you file are communal. She opened a credit card in her name, it's got 50k on it. That's half your debt. After you file everything is no longer communal. So right after you file you want your check to be direct deposit to your new account. You can transfer to the joint account as needed to cover bills and expenses. Pay for everything that is you from your account, do not use communal assets. You want to stop co-mingling asap after filing. Again, close all joint accounts just prior to filing. Leave 50% cash in joint checking (aside - my STBX maxed out the joint VISA +$9.5k, took a $7500 cashiers check from the joint checking account, maxed out personal line of credit [zero balance when I filed, now over drawn at +$20k]).

Spousal support alimony varies a lot from state to state. In CA after 10 years there is the possibility of life long alimony!! I'm in WA and that's not on the table until >25 years. Many states have caps on length and amounts, some work to make everything equal. But remember child support is totally separate. Many men can easily find they have to sign over >50% of their net take home. Google for your state and check with attorney.

I can not stress enough that your lawyer can NOT do anything to change the system. They are not your friend or therapist. The only thing you need to discuss is the case. YOU need to read everything you can about the laws in your state, they will not do the heavy lifting for you. If you can do mediation and get it done (even if you have to give up some extra cash) do it! This BS can get really expensive really fast, but you will get the exact same deal at the end anyway. It's more about staying power. A lot guys get crap deals because they give up and quit/settle; or just run of out money to keep fighting.

Good luck out there

Minimum_Step5048 · 2026-02-26T12:51:36+00:00

You need to spend a lot of time preparing for the financial hit. When you’re married everything is 50/50

thatbrowncanindian · 2026-02-26T12:47:44+00:00

My brother recently fought a case all by himself after 4 different lawyers tried to screw his case up, I assisted him with his case. Depending on the country and the state you are in, there are specific laws. DM so I can get more specific information and I can direct you in proper direction. But keep in mind that your goal should be to show separation on paper a few months before you hit 5 year mark. I am so sorry with what you are and will be dealing with, divorce is messy.

CowBoyDanIndie · 2026-02-26T11:32:47+00:00

Tell her if she wants to stay married she needs to start working asap, file divorce anyway. You don’t want to end up with transitional alimony because she has 0 income.

Sad-Instruction3379 · 2026-02-26T11:26:25+00:00

She won’t improve and she’s probably waiting to find someone who she thinks is better and you’re just temporary. Just kick her lazy ass to the kerb. Well done for having the strength to say no more. Sexting and texting isn’t ok it breaks marriage vows. She has no respect for you or herself. I think you can check your government website and there is legal aid available especially if she’s affecting your mental health. It’s good you have no kids you dodged a bullet man

Title	How do I start a divorce
Author	Asleep-Fail-5728
Upvotes	10
Comments	20
Date	February 26, 2026 8:41 AM UTC (5 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1rf5094/how_do_i_start_a_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-i-start-a-divorce.1574281 https://theredarchive.com/post/1574281

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