I miss my children.

ciscokid12345 · 2020-03-27T15:12:02+00:00

Be careful with medications. Feelings are there for a reason. Numbing them doesn't make them go away. Please talk to your doctor first about this!

Xanax made me suicidal. Celexa made me see flashes of light. I'm drug-free and in a much better place now but it took time.

Also, Alcohol is a depressant. If you are feeling depressed you should avoid it at all costs. In order to survive my divorce, I have had to quit drinking completely since 2018. The feelings of anxiety and depression will gradually get better but it can take months to get back to a baseline of emotional health.

This has been said before by smarter men than me but I'll do my best to explain my course of action to survive my high conflict divorce:

Start running and lifting - Run until you can't run anymore. Lift until you can't lift anymore.
Get some Zen - Prayer and meditation. Ask the god of your choice to give you strength and help. Learn to meditate. Start with "walking meditation", try guided meditations lying down, breathing exercises, etc. Learn how to slow down the hamster wheel in your head.
Practice self-care - Get some new clothes and a hair cut if you can find one. Get a massage. Get a new guitar. Sleep in. Take it easy on yourself.
Get some support - Get a therapist. Get a divorce group. If your ex is an alcoholic go to Al-Anon, If you are an alcoholic go to A.A., Go to "meet-ups" for divorcees. Call your old friends, Call your family. It's time to circle the wagons. Nobody fights off the Indians alone.
Get smart - Start reading and/or listening to books. A LOT of books! Learn about divorce. Learn about your parental rights under the law. Then learn about gender dynamics. Learn about power. Learning is power. Take back this power. Here are some books I have read this year:
- The 10 Stupidest Mistakes Men Make When Facing Divorce
- The New Rules of Divorce: Twelve Secrets to Protecting Your Wealth, Health, and Happiness
- Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
- Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder
- Unfuck Yourself
- Now What? (D.S.O)
- No More Mr. Nice Guy
- The Rational Male
- 48 Laws of Power
Control the narrative in your head - What you tell yourself becomes your reality. Stop telling yourself that you are a victim. This is an opportunity to grow.

Above all know this and say it to yourself,"This too shall pass.""Time takes time.""Other men have done this and I can too.""I am stronger than I think"

I'm currently paying my STBXW $2500 a month to live in my own house with Mr. Wonderful and while it really chaps my ass to see him drive around in my Mercedes. I know that it's only temporary. He's only going to be wonderful until he's not. The judge will eventually order the sale of the house, she probably won't be able to afford the maintenence of the car, and my kids will know that I was always there for them.

jaymo54 · 2020-03-27T15:52:21+00:00

It gets better. You won’t get MORE time with your kids, but the time you get will be more quality. And use the “free” time to better yourself. Do the things that you never have time for as a father. You have a built in baby sitter that most people have to wait until they’re empty nesters to enjoy. I’m almost 5 years in. I hate my ex wife. She’s used the kids as leverage and a weapon since 12 hours into the separation.
It hurt a lot to be told when I can and can’t have my own children. But as time went on I occupied my free time with working out, going to ball games with friends, traveling, reorganizing my house, life and relationships. Now I feel like I’m on top of my game, and the kids are getting older and they are starting to see that they were kept from me.

My brothers are married and theyre openly jealous of my free time for date nights and what not. I can look at a calendar 6 months from now and tell you when I’m free.

It sucks, it hurts but it gets better. If you let it.

peeveel · 2020-03-27T19:02:00+00:00

My Korean wife has been so terrible ever since we moved back to the USA last year. Constantly putting me down due to lack of a good job. Always telling me how terrible I am at taking care of our 17 month old son. Finally I’ve given up. She’s going to move back to Korea with him in a couple of weeks. Every time I think about saying goodbye to him it makes me sick to my stomach. However, saying goodbye to her makes me feel like a huge burden has been lifted. I can’t imagine how bad I will feel when those lonely nights start piling onto themselves after she takes him away. I’ll miss putting him to bed, waking up to him in the morning, taking him for walks and going to the playground, making him smile and laugh, reading him books. But I will not miss my wife looking over my shoulder every second criticizing me for not doing it “her” way.

MyNewNormal808 · 2020-03-27T19:59:04+00:00

Although I don't have to deal with PTSD or depression, I believe missing your kids is something most fathers go through when separated from their kids. I mistakeningly left the house after reading how giving my wife "space" could help (bad idea). As we started to discuss the child custody arrangements, I wanted 50/50. She was against that since she felt that they needed stability. After consulting my lawyer, family, friends, I caved to just having them every other weekend. My kids are teenagers so the good thing is that they already have good memories of me as their Dad and won't forget me (a big fear of mine). Still, in the early days, I felt like my kids weren't talking to me. As time went on, I realized that it's typical of teenagers to not to talk to their parents separated or not. Things are better since I've made a big effort to find out what they like to do and get involved in it. I call/facetime them up every night to say I love them and goodnight. Still, it's not like when they were little and climbed all over me and wouldn't let go. I got to say, every time I drop them off after my weekend I do feel very alone on the drive back. The key for me is that have a support network (friends, family) that you can lean on during those times. I used to have long conversations with my Mom when I would return home from dropping off the kids. Things get better as you get used to this new normal. Good luck and hang in there.

mrg2uson · 2020-03-27T12:29:12+00:00

I'm right there with you.

Wife is across the county with my two little ones.

Feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

tinour7 · 2020-03-27T12:43:18+00:00

Right here with you : she's in UK, I'm in France. I haven't seen my son since the 23rd of May 2019. No pictures, no news. She refused to answer the phone. Im scared as hell for him given the situation.

Uzzer_lozer19 · 2020-03-27T12:55:56+00:00

Right here also, my kids are with their Mum due to COVID-19. I get infrequent calls and they're not really interested in Skype or talking. Evening just sitting with them playing with their toys or a game is the thing I miss the most. It is painful but whenever I get to see them again I know I will love them more than I ever thought I could.

Stay with it man, the fact that you feel bad means that you care and want to see your kid.

ElliotMarriott · 2020-03-27T14:16:43+00:00

I feel you . JuSt be we that feeling but do not let it consume you . I try not to drink or use any substance. Be happy you are alive . Horrible to say but I keep reminding myself things can get a lot worst

cranapple247 · 2020-03-27T14:44:24+00:00

Same here, dude. The kiddos are with their mom now and while I've got my dog it just isn't the same.

I guess I'll just take advantage and clean the house for when they get back.

warrior_up · 2020-03-27T17:25:47+00:00

I know man, I know. you have to accept your situation - let go of the hope. That life that still feels like a dream you're going to wake up from is gone. Dont forget how much better off you are than most, dont forget that no matter how shitty you feel it will pass, never forget that no mater what you have to see the other side for your kids. They'll need ya

I too battle the same demons and honestly, it doesn't get better, but like war - you just learn to live with the pain, you learn to make it by with the hole in your heart. Some dudes can move on easier, guys like you and I cant make sense of it ever.....time we'll never get back.

thank you for your service, stick around for a while - I believe guys like us are destined for something magical to happen even though we cant taste it right now - it has to make sense eventually

Proud of you for finding this sub and posting your real emotions.....know that you're in good company

kordeliakuthbert · 2020-03-27T18:01:27+00:00

yes, your instincts are fighting this- we have a natural drive to be there and protect our kids, and the empty hopeless feelings can drive a lot of negative thoughts and behaviors.

Forgive yourself first, then realize that you have 2 choices. Let this drive you to be better, or let it take you down. It's ok to be down for a while, but try to love yourself, keep valuing yourself, and just find things to make your personal situation better.

I've been right where you are, it's empty... I'm sorry, it sucks but we can't change it now- we can only change one thing. ourselves.

This is normal.

wormee · 2020-03-27T18:12:06+00:00

This one hurts. I made the huge mistake of letting my ex (out of divorce guilt) move my kids to another city. I tell this advice to anyone who will listen: DO NOT, under any circumstances let your ex move your kids anywhere, keep them close, same neighborhood is preferable. Remember, we must give permission for children to be moved (in my area, it’s no more than 30 minutes travel). This is very important not only for ourselves, but especially important for our kids.

Title	I miss my children.
Author	RansomedAmbassador
Upvotes	12
Comments	19
Date	March 27, 2020 12:11 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/fpvv77/i_miss_my_children/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-miss-my-children.1199563 https://theredarchive.com/post/1199563

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