I need help please

Ominous_Cookies · 2022-01-22T17:06:31+00:00

Most attorneys will answer some questions for free up front. Open the Google box and look for highly rated ones and prepare to open your pocket. You think you can’t but you can. They’ll most likely work with you and be able to answer all those questions. Good luck and don’t do anything without talking to them.

jalopkoala · 2022-01-22T17:54:14+00:00

Standard advice: -talk to multiple lawyer immediately -move all conversations to writing (don’t give her the excuse like you did with your argument) -don’t move out under any circumstances

More specific questions: child support and alimony are two different and entirely separate items. Alimony is for the divorced person, and usually just calculation based on income. Child support is for the children. Every state is different, but generally more parenting time means less child support.

If you want to be an involved father, why would you move to a different state? How would 50/50 even work for the kids school and friends between multiple cities? Let’s say your kid is 8, and you do 40/60 instead of 50/50. Over the remaining 10 years of that kid’s childhood you will be giving up a whole extra year of it to mom.

Only text and email. Only text and email about kid related logistics. Everything else is through email at direction of your lawyer. Don’t agree to any custody or monetary arrangements without your lawyer.

Don’t worry about your car. Think of everything as a giant bucket. Maybe you get car, she gets something else. Ultimately it is all just items that have a cash value. Don’t get caught up in specific line items, think about the bottom line at the end of the process.

Eve-3 · 2022-01-22T17:11:22+00:00

Do you want to go with because you can't handle her and/or the kids being out of your sight or doing something fun without you? Or are you afraid she plans to leave the state and never return? The first one isn't ok, the second is. The faster you get paperwork the better, then she can't run away with the kids.

anonymizered · 2022-01-22T19:20:03+00:00

Apologize to her. Say you want to make this work. Mean it. Love her, buy her flowers. Meanwhile… Get a lawyer. You’re in the military, prepare for war. Forget the Tesla. I wish I took half the advice offered in this sub before I served my wife. Everyone says the same thing, she has changed. She is now your enemy. It’s true.

Gattsama · 2022-01-22T18:14:17+00:00

Short version talk to a lawyer. Things vary from state to state but some highlights:

If you want to get 50/50 custody, do NOT move out of the house. At least not until you file and court approved parenting plan is in place. The courts look at the partner that moves out as abandoning the family and tend to give primary residency and sometimes custody to who ever stayed in the house with the children.

Pretty much all states are no fault, and most are community property. So basically everything is spilt 50/50. That is all assets and all debit. So yes, if you have 0 credit card debt and she has 50k you get 1/2 the debt. The Telsa should be an asset and is therefore 50/50. Either the debt will be split 50/50 and one of you gets to keep it (can therefore have them pay more etc) or it gets sold and you split the small equity you have.

The only way to stop her from adding more debt is to file asap. All choices prior to that are still community in most states. Do NOT hide anything, but if you are worried about her breaking, destroying or selling things; get them out of the house. They can (and will be) split later (or negotiated) but will be safe.

Either of you are allowed to travel with your children. But neither of you are allowed to 'kidnap' the children or keep the other spousal from seeing them. If she tries that document, and get your lawyers on it. It's a coin toss how much the courts will enforce... Again, need to file and get an approved parenting plan prior to making any moves.

There are 4 key things to divide. Assets and debit (general split 50/50). Spousal support (separate calculation, length and amount). Child support (separate calculation, length until 18 or 21). You can often negotiate an uneven distribution of assets/debit in lieu of spousal support. You CAN NOT do that for child support (as it's suppose to be for the child).

For example, lets say a 50/50 split of assets and debit gives you each $300k, and you owe $5k/mo in spousal support for 4 years and $2k/mo in child support for 12 years. So you owe $240k in spousal support. You could offer her to keep an additional 240k of assets, walk away with NO spousal support and only $60k. But you CAN NOT use that to offset child support.

Spousal support and child support are calculated separated. HOWEVER, in theory the way it works is based on custody. If you have 50/50 custody and the courts determine that the child needs $2k/mo then $1k is owed by you and $1k is owed by her. But you might also owe her $3k/mo is spousal support. So the net affect is you pay her $2k and she pays you nothing, literary nothing, there's no back and forth of payments.

If you are in the Military talk to your JAG or rep, or whatever (I don't know the actually title) today! Ask some of the senior guys or previously divorced guys, they can point you in the right direction.

You should do you, but try to be on your best behavior. No arguments, no attacks or complaints. Just play nice, grey rock (google it), and keep things civil. Document what you do to take care of your kids (not a diary, a document of the day to day). Moving out of state and away from the family should be discussed with your lawyer first.

Not sure why you would want to talk to her family at all? Do not do that :) This process is just you and her. Talk to her, but keep is super civil. Talk to your lawyer, make a plan and go from there. I would think the military / tax payer would cover you (but again, don't really know. Ask your superiors, this is not the first time they will have had to deal with a service man getting divorced).

Good luck & thanks for your service

25_years · 2022-01-22T21:50:13+00:00

Lots of military posts here lately. Sir, I understand you're an officer, not some 20-something idiot enlistee. However, you might consider the advice I give anyone in the military.

Whatever your branch, wherever you are, there's some crusty, old school E-8 First Sergeant or Senior Chief Petty Officer. They've been around a long time. They've seen it all come and go. They aren't lawyers, obviously, but they can provide guidance, advice, communion, sympathy, solace and encouragement.

You'll need a lawyer at some point. But, if can, find some crusty old E-8 who will talk to you behind closed doors. A good friend of mine is a senior chief petty officer. He boasts that a good senior chief takes care of his men, even his officers. (Don't bother with some buck E-7; they'll be more worried about trans pronouns and climate change.)

pegleg_legal · 2022-01-24T01:06:21+00:00

Calm the fuck down. Filing first can be an advantage but it ain't all that much. If she files first, so what.
Meet with a few lawyers to determine what you can do in terms of stopping her from stealing kids, cars and other stuff. Then pick one you're comfortable with and hire them.
Protect your assets, NOW.
Change your passwords, NOW.
Get on a military forum to find divorce lawyers in your area.
SLOW COMMUNICATIONS DOWN. Don't react. Don't pick up calls. Go dark for a while. Don't pick fights, don't get dragged into fights.

streetsmartwallaby · 2022-01-23T23:05:32+00:00

Let her do what she wants with the kids. Legally she is their parent and can take them wherever she wants. Do not place yourself in the middle of a situation in front of the kids where there may / will be conflict.

Feel free to take the kids out to run errands as well. And if those errands involve a trip to the toy store and ice cream shop then all the better.

You cannot prevent her from racking up debt on her credit card - even if it is a joint account. You may / should be able to divert your paycheck to a separate bank account (ideally at a completely separate bank) and then transfer money, if needed, for child support / essentials. Cutting her off completely would probably not look good to the judge.

Get a parenting plan in place ASAP.

Make sure your lawyer is familiar with military divorce; my understanding is that there are some unique issues specific to military divorce.

Be strong and be there for your kids; never let them forget you love them. Never say something bad about their mother to them no matter how much she deserves it. Do NOT talk to her family; no good will come from it.

Title	I need help please
Author	Snoo_26212
Upvotes	5
Comments	10
Date	January 22, 2022 4:49 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/sa6jqs/i_need_help_please/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-need-help-please.1098195 https://theredarchive.com/post/1098195

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