The divorce is finally finished. I won't go into the backstory, but it was high conflict and took years. I've seen some "pay it forward" posts so here's mine. This community has helped me in so many ways.

Here's what I learned:

  • Finances: If you have premarital assets/bank accounts/etc.: KEEP the statements that show how much you have prior to the marriage. This is critical. Banks don't keep statements back 10 years. STBXW and I both had problems with this. I had to show emails documenting my job offer, when I quit, etc. to prove it was premarital.
  • Finances: Go over every single piece of discovery you get. I found out stbxw withdrew $35,000 in cash. She went after me for my gun collection, fishing rods, bikes, and watches. She didn't go through the discovery because all her values were way off. She didn't get an appraiser. She tried to go for literally everything. This exposed her to counter arguments, and she had to settle because she had no proof.
  • Kids: If you smell a divorce on the horizon get your act together NOW. Start being around. Take them to school, doctors, parent-teachers, etc. Ya, ya, the job takes a lot of time. Trust me, do this.
  • Kids: If you have to move out without a parenting order, please don't sit back and let the stbxw dictate the terms. You're 100% parent with equal rights. Remember, this time counts. Since it takes over a year to get divorced, you're building a timeline of being a father.
  • Custody: While every case is different, for men we have to fight like we want full custody to get 50/50. Depending on the jurisdiction and judge, it might be slightly less daunting - you just have to prove there's nothing disqualifying you to parent (see GAL and Custody Evaluator bullets below).
  • DV/TRO/PO: This might come at you out of the blue and take you by surprise. If there's a sense that this might even be on the horizon, get the f*** out. Don't worry about losing the house (e.g. I put the house in the ex's name when we bought it, I moved out 1.5 years ago, and I still got every bit of the half).
  • GALs: Avoid this at all cost. I motioned for one based on my attorney's advice...and then I read up on GALs. What a shit show. She came out against me from the first meeting (her mouth was moving but it was the ex's words). Her ego was huge; constantly saying "if you guys can't figure it out, I'll just recommend one parent as custodial and every other weekend for the other" as she looked at me. The total bill was $12,000+ for a FOUR page report saying I'm a piece of poop but still recommending 50/50 (see next bullet).
  • Custody Evaluators: Avoid this at all cost. I got the sense the GAL was against me. Based on what I read on here and on 100 podcasts, I had to roll the dice with a custody eval. Why? Because the GAL is an attorney and the evaluator is a mental health professional meaning...GALs have to listen to the evaluator. This is what saved me. Evaluator came back with a good report.
  • Attorneys: The ex burned through FOUR attorneys. I had the same one the whole time (but had to augment with a second; ya, I had a TEAM of attorneys). The third attorney she had was the angry older woman bulldog type. I saw that she charged the stbxw $42,000 in one month alone. The ex's total attorney costs will likely top $150,000 if not more. She got talked into hiring a vocational expert to assess me (result, he's earning what he should be) AND a forensic accountant (still didn't find my millions of dollars hidden in the Switzerland - joke obviously). All she had to do was go through my bank and credit card records herself. I've burned close to $75,000 if not more. Remember, find an attorney that fits your style but isn't a bulldog. Find one who will call BS on you and listen to them.
  • The Microscope: I learned too late that I was under a microscope and did things that hurt me. Gents, if you can, do live clean. Don't be a pushover but don't do stupid shit. Luckily it didn't hurt me in the end too badly. I'm not sure I could have done things differently but I sure do know I did it wrong.

GOOD LUCK MEN. Remember, you're doing this for your children.