Mornings suck

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-06-06T14:01:14+00:00

> how I fucked up as a husband

Do you know what gaslighting is? Women are incapable of taking responsibility or acknowledging their accountability for a failed marriage due to their solipsistic nature. Blaming you is deflection. It's like this: men get mad when you lie to them, while women get pissed at you for telling them the truth.

You need time to heal. Divorce messes you up mentally, even if you're the initiator. Psychologically there’s a lot to unpack, especially when your ex gaslights you. You need to get comfortable inside your own head.

Invest one year into yourself for self-discovery, renovation and revitalization. Find things that you've always wanted to do, learn and experience and enjoy those things for a year. Develop your skills and knowledge in these things (rock climbing, playing a musical instrument, billiards, etc) and you'll find yourself making more time for them. If you do that well, you’ll have the foundation for a lifetime of happiness.

When you no longer need to clutch onto a relationship, and you have your best self to offer, that’s how you know you’re done.

Zazz130 · 2021-06-06T13:55:55+00:00

Same here

I don’t know that it passes, but I’ve heard that it does . Focusing on what is under your control right now could help

Patriot0811 · 2021-06-06T15:12:09+00:00

Gym. Burn some of that shit off. Makes ya feel good with big muscles too.

Samsat37 · 2021-06-06T15:06:00+00:00

I've had the same thing happen to me with sleep. The best way I got over it was talking to my psychologist, eating properly with vitamins, lots of walks while I listened to some good podcasts and making sure to set goals for myself and completing them. I'm sorry your going through this. I've heard lifting weights also helps and get on the dating apps. Even if its just to talk to someone. I found it was the hardest to start thinking about myself and what I liked after the separation. Hope this helps a little.

folie-a-dont · 2021-06-06T15:38:36+00:00

I went through this same phase man. Some nights it still rears it’s ugly head. Two things worked for me 1. Popped in headphones and did either a guided meditation, audiobook, or music. At minimum, it slowed my mind down. At best, I was able to just focus on the words being pumped into my skull and fall asleep. If you go the audiobook route, pick a boring book. 2. When I think about the past, I repeat “learn from it or leave it behind.” What that means to me is that if I am going to spend time going over the past, my goal HAS to be, how can I be better now and in the future from it? What did I learn? If I am just beating myself up, I repeat “leave it behind” until I stop thinking about it. For future worries, I repeat “right now, I am ok, and I am capable of figuring out everything I need to when the time comes”. Hope this helps!

Oh, and absolutely DO NOT pull out your cellphone and start scrolling, especially social media. That is the death of sleep.

MakeItSoQ · 2021-06-06T18:26:07+00:00

I'm going through a divorce too, and have the same 330am problem. My mind is racing, but what bothers me in the middle of the night is being in this empty house now. Or being in here with just my kid and no wife and thinking about how this is how things are going to be now. I miss the presence of another adult nearby with whom I have intimacy with.

I just stay up really late now if I'm having a panic attack. If I have friends who are up late, I'll talk with them on the phone. I come on Reddit and other message boards and chat with new people on the computer. I just keep doing that until I get tired around 430am. I don't know if it's a phase or how long this is going to be. I've just tried to adapt my schedule around it.

Be forgiving of yourself! This hard. It's normal to have feelings like that.

WartimeDad · 2021-06-06T16:11:34+00:00

Definitely a normal and passing phase. It’s a phase that lasts longer than you’ll like, but it does pass.

As others have said, be sure to exercise a ton. This makes feel good chemicals rush to your brain and makes you feel good. Also, being physically exhausted helps you shut down, fall asleep, and stay asleep.

I highly suggest that you learn to meditate. Become aware of how your mind works, learn how to focus on your breath and notice how thoughts come, and more importantly how to make them go away lol. Thoughts are like a river, and if you’re caught up in the river it’s turbulent and shitty. Meditation helps you get out of the river and look at it from the river bank where things are calm and serene.

But, even if you don’t do these things it will still pass eventually.

Also, know that your best days are AHEAD of you. Happiness awaits!

_splug · 2021-06-06T16:53:07+00:00

I had to do a lot of self exploring to realize while yes I contributed to the demise, it wasn’t only my fault as I was led to believe. I was abused, physically, emotionally and financially. I was never allowed to be myself. I had to learn about narcissism in detail so I could start to heal. I read books like Discipline is Everything and Can’t Hurt Me by Jacko Wilink and David Goggins.

What you’re going through is normal, but embrace it. If you’re feeling this way now, you were not taking care of yourself in the relationship. Do it now.

stiliky · 2021-06-07T18:46:05+00:00

This is super weird that others experienced this. Some Time in the first couple Of months after we separated, I started waking up around 3:30 am hearing a bunch of crows in the tree I’m front of my house. I had never heard them before and it was like they suddenly appeared and went nuts every night for a while. Then, at some point, it stopped happening and now I’m questioning if they were ever there.

Snakealicious · 2021-06-06T16:41:00+00:00

Yep, it ended up passing for me but it does suck. Run/hit the gym early. It helps.

dkblue1 · 2021-06-06T17:34:28+00:00

It will pass. I thought it never would, and everyone said time heals.

I hated it. First 6 months after divorce especially. Woke up every morning 5am with heart palpitations and panic. Would never get back to sleep because you could physically feel the shots of adrenaline and cortisol releasing into your bloodstream.

Around 10 months it wasn't every morning anymore. Maybe 2-3 times a week. A weighted blanket helped.

Now 1.5 yrs later, maybe once a month I'll experience it. But even when it does, it isn't as strong and debilitating.

I have a feeling it will take 3 yrs total for me to be emotionally recovered post divorce based on the progress I've made. I'm having a good time and functional, but I still get sad often.

In my brain I'm very ready to be 100% done. Reality, I'll be 95% when it's all over, and I'm okay with that because I'm still living my life.

You'll get there if you hold on for 1 more day. Until then are you gonna let them hold you down and make you cry?

c1992_7 · 2021-06-07T02:51:54+00:00

Same here. Exact time. 3- 5 am .
parenting -custody-court- work - money - loneliness etc. It sucks a lot.

Only difference is that I feel overwhelming guilt about not divorcing her sooner before having kid.
dday_throwaway3's comment is good.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2021-06-08T01:53:15+00:00

Ok, you fucked up. Now what? The best thing you can LITERALLY do for yourself and your kid is to be healthy. Here is what you do:

Forgive yourself and your ex.
Pray daily.
Exercise daily (I run 5km a day).
Meditate.

Move on with your life. Remember, lots of men have been where you are. You can either come out of this stronger or kill yourself by stress. Also check out /r/mgtow

SwamiSweatSocks · 2021-06-06T18:12:04+00:00

I went through it for about the first year or so. Just to know I'm coming up on four years, it still is in no way easy for me, but it's a little better.

Title	Mornings suck
Author	gorgeexplorer
Upvotes	17
Comments	23
Date	June 6, 2021 1:42 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ntm1jv/mornings_suck/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/mornings-suck.816828 https://theredarchive.com/post/816828

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