Need advice

jayboog5000 · 2020-05-04T01:29:28+00:00

She fucked another guy while you were working your ass off and trying to provide for your family, she betrayed you when she was supposed to be home caring for your child, she couldnt keep her legs closed and use her vibrator for a few months, kick her ass to the curb! She doesnt deserve you!

playerknowmore · 2020-05-04T02:29:59+00:00

Why is it the men with the hardest jobs, are the softest with women. Normally I'd on the get a divorce train, but you would take a huge financial hit.

Personally I'd sit her and the baby daddy down, and tell them if they want to be together; she could be move in with him and you'd give her a set amount for your boy's. He has to sign the birth certificate. Oh, and you want time with your kids when you are not working.

Six months down the line get a lawyer and file for abandonment. Say she moved in with her affair partner and left the family home. If it works it could lessen the financial blow. Because right now you are looking at selling your home, giving her half your assets, and alimony to boot.

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2020-05-04T02:37:08+00:00

I am sorry to hear this and I know ot sucks for you. You can make it through this time.

I won’t talk about the paternity and kids as I will just what you should be focusing on for yourself during this time. Stop being “nice”, your Ex is now the enemy and has proven she doesn’t care fuck all about you. I am not saying to destroy her but stop being a pushover. Learn about boundaries and use them.

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something.

Stay away from alcohol, do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger then that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along w Intermittent Fasting). And get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas, plans then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps and YouTube videos out there, I use Headspace.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Don’t feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful:

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

• ⁠Extreme Ownership

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do. Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on.

And lastly, do not jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played incoming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out. Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do not repeat the same mistakes that got you were you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market in a much much better position.

Trinity0519 · 2020-05-04T01:46:56+00:00

I agree. Kick her to the curb and focus on your kid.

Isthisnormaltoyou · 2020-05-04T11:59:29+00:00

You need a good divorce attorney. That’s where you’ll get the best advice. When you have a good attorney handling the messy stuff, you will literally sleep knowing you’re handling things right with all matters involving your kids. Once resentment builds (and it will), you need a legal guide to keep in check what you can and cannot do. I’m an attorney but don’t practice, and thought handling my own divorce was a good idea. Nope. Made my divorce a living hell, emotionally.

bslichy · 2020-05-04T12:59:53+00:00

First off, so sorry to hear this, and I can’t imagine how that can feel.

So, you are in the US I assume? If so, what state? I understand there are some where you can go after the father of her baby for breaking up your marriage. Also, the courts should calculate an imputed income for her, even if she is not working.

The healing process isn’t always easy, but it can be so liberating!

Krishna0902 · 2020-05-04T16:39:49+00:00

All bets are off.. and remember if though she is guilty, don’t underestimate what she is capable of. Men tend to fall out of love slowly as compared to women, and so most of the time they are still in love while the wifey is planning weapons of mass destruction. All of us have been there.

throwaway_b1978 · 2020-05-04T18:46:52+00:00

Well that's a doozy... Legally you're on the hook for spousal and child support. Ain't marriage grand? I ask this in the legal (not moral) sense.

See if you can get her to forgo spousal and child support and if she'll let you pay her off so you'll keep whatever assets you worked so hard for during the marriage.

She'll probably want you to bankroll her, the baby and the bio dad for as long as the law requires.

Other than that, the only advice I can give you is:

Do NOT get married in the future.
If you do get hoodwinked and get married again, make sure you've got a bulletproof prenuptial agreement. Start talking notes on the prenuptial conditions during your divorce #1. These will come in valuable years later when you may have forgotten what you went through in divorce #1.
Go see some other woman so you can stop caring and disconnect emotionally from your ex. I'll let you figure that one out. There's plenty of hookup apps and "social" sites that have users offering companionship at an hourly rate if you get my drift.
Work on earning a hefty bankroll for all the legal bills you'll get on top of your already existing bills.
Do not start drinking, drugs (illegal or prescription) or any other vices. If you're drinking or smoking, time to give those up. Channel your frustration and anger into working out, long walks or hikes. Maybe get a mountain bike (bicycle) and get yourself tired after work so you can get some sleep naturally without ambien. This is how I dealt with insomnia and worry during my divorce. Body was dead tired every night, I literally passed out from exhaustion.
Talk with your parents, friends or other loved ones every day. You may encounter suicidal thoughts or feelings. Talk about them with your loved ones. Don't let machismo get in the way of opening up about your feelings.
Keep a healthy routine. Self care. Shower daily, take care of your teeth. This will prevent you from falling into depression.
Keep a journal of your thoughts. Writing, like talking helps get the poisonous emotions out.
Keep your spirits up. Try to focus on the positive in everything. This too shall pass eventually.

Bigtimbers · 2020-05-06T06:13:11+00:00

Hang in there man. Its gonna get worse before it gets better, but I can promise you it gets better if you keep moving. Divorce is a valley of hell. Thank God you don't have to stay there.

j_smith987 · 2020-05-04T21:14:47+00:00

Sorry to ask this. But, how do you know the other kids are yours?

vabab8 · 2020-05-15T20:17:39+00:00

Any updates?

Title	Need advice
Author	slapaho1321
Upvotes	20
Comments	23
Date	May 4, 2020 1:26 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/gd2d58/need_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/need-advice.818262 https://theredarchive.com/post/818262

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