Please help :(

walkingdisaster4046 · 2021-07-20T05:08:09+00:00

It’s fucking hard. It will take time, but it will slowly stop feeling like you’re dying.

I’m 14 months into the divorce process and I was a wreck for the first 6-9 months. There’s no way around it - only through it. Embrace it.

If you feel fucking pain and sadness acknowledge it and don’t be afraid to cry your eyes out. Do it. You’ll feel better.

Try to redirect grief into motivation and ultimately discipline. Rediscover what you love and brings you happiness. seek it out.

Exercise like crazy to exhaust your body and mind. Turn off the screens, get to bed earlier and get sleep. You’ll need all your emotional and physical resilience.

I know it seems fucking awful and it is. The world you knew is gone. The future you thought you had is gone. The person you thought was your partner for life is gone.

Focus on what you can control, which is you. You got this.

“If you think you’re going through hell, keep going.” W Churchill

HerbEverstanks · 2021-07-20T04:38:19+00:00

Warning: not helpful.

The time when I said "I do". Then she turned into a completely different person.

dividskis · 2021-07-20T06:23:42+00:00

The hard truth is it will continue to be difficult. It will remain difficult to let her go. I do not know the details of what you are going through but I can empathize.

The best thing you can do is stay/be/become healthy both physically and mentally. It's advice that is really easy to give and very hard advice to take. Also, while it may seem so incredibly backwards and contrary to what you want, you need to become a bit selfish and focus on yourself. Dumping your effort and energy into someone who is not going to receive it, ever, in a positive light will just prolong the grief and despair. Surround yourself with your supporters, family, and friends. These people will receive and accept you and what you do for them and will return it with positivity and doing things for you. Do things that make you happy. Find yourself an attainable goal and complete it. Simply stated, find things that bring healthy gratification and you will be amazed at how much easier you will make things for yourself.

There is no miracle cure for grief and there never will be. However, there is a medicine and that medicine is time. I'm 2 years now post divorce and 4 years post marital breakdown. I can only echo what others have said, it really sucks in the beginning and it will continue to suck later on but as time passes and you dedicate yourself to rebuilding yourself without your partner the easier it will become until you are in a place where you can healthily try again - this time with experience.

I've been in your shoes. We're men - we want to fix things regardless of how they broke. We don't want to fail. I get that. But worry about fixing yourself and as you improve things will get better. That I do promise.

buffalotipping · 2021-07-20T05:25:43+00:00

Making any sttempt to rationalize whats happening with a woman of any sort family or not dosn't work. Seems only men get what's going on during this shit storm. Speaks volumes about the mindset of most women during the process. That was about the biggest eye opener for me. Seems every woman you'll meet from this day forward was abused by the exes and will seek sympathy though. If they only had a clue what we felt I'd like to hope real help would come to people that really need it.

MyNewNormal808 · 2021-07-20T08:28:15+00:00

This is when I got over pining for my then STBXW. I was like you, desperately trying to figure out how to live without her love. I was trying everything to reconcile. I was miserable. One day, I had to go back to my old office to retrieve some files they needed. For some reason I looked at my browser history and it was full of searches like “what to do when you’re in a loveless marriage.” At that point I realized that Even back before she told me she wanted a divorce that I already knew we were doomed. I did some self reflection and discovered that I was chasing my wife when we were first married and did everything together, made time for each other, talked about our future and loved each other. The person that wanted a divorce now was not the same woman anymore. She was one that withheld sex, didn’t want to do anything together, blamed me for her being tired all the time even though I did more of the cooking and driving the kids to activities while she spent most of her evenings playing candy crush. I realized that the woman I desperately wanted to hold on to had vanished years ago. I stopped fighting to reconcile and instead concentrated on getting out of the divorce in best shape possible (financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally). The other commenters offered good advise so I won’t repeat it. Good luck brother.

akihonj · 2021-07-20T12:12:37+00:00

This is good news, you're through to the desperation stage, the stage where you'll do anything to get her back.

You need to look up stages of grief and how to deal with them and how to protect yourself from yourself at each stage.

The final stage is acceptance, you can't rush through to that stage you have to work through all of them as they come.

Bipolar_investor · 2021-07-20T06:19:30+00:00

Accept that, if she was there to protect and care for you, she'd not do what she's doing. She's in it as long as it suits her. You should not lower your standard, and you should not simp over her. Move on. Move on.

ryanwongcpa · 2021-07-20T07:09:49+00:00

Go look at a mirror right now and start loving him more, please.

dogsrule2019 · 2021-07-20T15:16:19+00:00

First off, lean on this group. Then figure out the one or two close friends around you to lean on. We're brothers helping brothers. Most have been through some of what you're dealing with. Let us help. You're not alone. But as other said, time to focus on you. Time to build yourself up. Time to reclaim your identity as a man. Get started. Now.

kg-prime · 2021-07-20T05:54:02+00:00

It is difficult. My only recommendation is to accept the truth that you need help. Get a therapist you are comfortable with as soon as possible. You are too close and too programmed to see anything. If you have not got a lawyer, get a lawyer. As my lawyers and therapists taught me to me -(1) the law has nothing to do with the church or religious ceremony, (2) there is nothing on the marriage contract (go take a look at yours) that says anything about good behavior, (3) women usually have everything to gain and plan for years in many cases, (4) some people are not on your side and playing you and you may be your own worst enemy who will sabotage things against yourself. If you think this is bad, wait until you lose your job and have to make payments to someone else threatening to end you because of "court judgement". Wake up please.

I only got a lawyer after I had been served. This was after being accused or "threatening her life and the life of the child". I was still too shocked to do anything. I even considered suicide many times. I cried for my little girl. I thought my mother-in-law and sister-in-law were for saving the marriage but their main goal was to prevent me from seeing anything. On same day my mother-in-law took my girl from me telling it will give me and ex space to rebond, my ex had organised for truck to come for everything while I was away at a friend's funeral. They spread lies quickly telling everyone it was fine making calls to everyone with different stories. In the last few months my mother-im-law was trying to convince me to tell my dad to give me an inheritance now because my ex was not happy with my progress in life. My ex had kept every receipt of items bought in her marriage and built up a huge spending plan in last 6 months of marriage. While I thought I was saving my marriage, she was collecting data to make her case that this was regular for her.

Most men who love their wives try to save the relationship. As things get worse, the harder you try and the more you give. You probably even digging into your savings because you think money does not matter because of love. If a woman's love is gone and it is done, there is nothing you can do. The earlier you snap out of it, the better. Everyone who reads Samson and Delila knows that Sampson was so in love he gave away everything. That is what the last days of marriage are to a woman who has left. If you think judges care about you then go read about King Solomon and the two mothers -- it takes wisdom and most judged are not interested because they have a perspective about men and you are just seen as another man.

pegleg_legal · 2021-07-20T07:58:52+00:00

You were once just an individual and regaining your individuality will be the best part of your divorce. You're not walking the plank into a black abyss, you're following the path through the black forest to reach greener pastures.

crypto_keeper88 · 2021-07-20T18:58:53+00:00

You have to realize that she is not the person you fell in love with or married. She is a completely different person now but you are still in love with the idea of the person you married. You have to change your perspective to see the current reality of the situation. You need to rediscover yourself and remove her from your thoughts and routines.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-07-20T22:43:26+00:00

Make yourself your mental point of origin: Stop putting her on a pedestal. She's just a woman, not some divinely unquestionable or elusively mysterious creature.
Go read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. It will help you eject her from your head.

jacob_89_ · 2021-07-20T04:44:09+00:00

its difficult my man, im 7 months into my separation, divorce papers filed last month. honestly the 1st 6 months i was a wreck, couldn't fucking work properly, struggled to sleep, all i wanted was for her to see how much i loved her, tried everything to no avail.

i was lucky I've had tremendous support from family aswell as guys at work, some I've never known before this year, they all told me the same thing, it gets easier and ill move on and find someone who truly values and loves me.

and every single guy I spoke to had all being thruw separation/ divorce.

what helped me was to continue to reflect on her lies, and deciet, i came to the conclusion last month that while i love her, i can't be with a cheater/ lier and that while i have made massive progress, shes still a sook that blames everyone for her own downfall.

ill repeat the advice, keep your chin up king, women are not worth the heart break.

Mavik52 · 2021-07-20T15:38:00+00:00

You have a fixed identity as her husband. You need to internalize the concept that being her husband is just one mask you wear along with many others, husband, son, father, coworker, friend, etc.. Read up on Stoicism & Secular Buddhism to help internalize these concepts. I highly recommend a book called "Storms can't hurt the sky" which is a short biography about the authors journey through divorce in which he internalized these concepts to make it through his divorce.

Xan-Diesel · 2021-07-22T20:53:58+00:00

I rolled into the pain. I knew that adversity drives growth so I lived in the pain as much as possible. I exhausted myself physically by working out (lifting weights every other day). Over time I realized she wasn't coming back. The despair waxed and waned. After a couple months I was able to start eating properly and even started enjoying beer again. Forcing myself to go out and spend time with friends helped even though I was miserable.

I decided that if what felt "right" wasn't working, I'd try some "wrong". I developed a love and appreciate for spicy and hot flavors of food. I started bowling and shooting pool. The more time that passed the less intense the overwhelming pain felt. 16 years together and she left the month before our 10th wedding anniversary. I reached out to Tiffany Co. to return the ring I got even though it was months beyond the return period. I spent the money on myself. I got some new clothes and some video games and some toys for my kids.

I started enriching my life and the lives of my friends and family. I started cooking and grilling. I didn't particularly enjoy it at first but I loved how much everybody seemed to enjoy what I made. I know I did everything I could possibly do to save our relationship. Through conversations with male mentors, friends and a counselor - I accepted my faults and mistakes and forgave myself. It's been over a year now and I should be receiving the paperwork in the mail soon declaring it officially dissolved.

I've never experienced a pain like that and I know I never want to feel like that again. What's important is knowing and remembering how awful it feels at the point in time you're at now, because it won't (can't) last forever. You'll become a better, truer version of yourself if you hang int there.

Title	Please help :(
Author	andyhdzdelgado
Upvotes	11
Comments	48
Date	July 20, 2021 4:17 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/onupdu/please_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/please-help.816460 https://theredarchive.com/post/816460

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