I’ve been wanting and talking about a divorce to my close friends and my brother for two years now. Yet here I am. Two years ago today my wife went bat shit crazy on me over a coworker I’ve never been romantically involved with (wife gets super jealous, maybe cause she senses I’m burned out). By bat shit, I mean waking me up off the couch, demanding all kinds of shit, and pushing me down the steps as I’m half asleep. She proceeded to do this a couple more times around January 2022. It was then that I finally wanted a divorce, but I stayed and still haven’t pulled the trigger. Last January she did about the same shit again. I do feel I’m to blame in some ways for the outbursts because I’ve been checked out for awhile. She’s smothering, kind of ditzy and emotionally immature, no real thrive for a future for herself or a career, financially dependent on my success and her parents, she can’t hold a job and she’s probably gained well over a hundred pounds since we got married. She blames the weight on having a kid, but we got married when my daughter was 4 years old.

I look back and I lied to myself and got married for the sake of my daughter. I love her more than the world, so my wife and I took the step and got out of the “baby momma/baby daddy” world and eloped for a quick wedding before we moved off for a big job I have. Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife and would still take a bullet for her, but I’m just not attracted to her in a romantic sense. I would say I was when we dated as she was a smoke show, but she was my first long term gf, and then she got pregnant. We got flung through the motions, and I focused on finishing college and getting a career. I commend her to this day for being a stay at home mom back then before we married, but that’s all she wants to do. She always gets fired or quits from a job. She grew up spoiled from her parents, so she thinks she’s better than a career. I just think she’s lazy. When she was stay at home, she just slept in and ate all day. Never cleaned or helped with the house-at all!! My daughter is 12 now. Wife works again finally, but only makes $48,000, and I make close to $200k.

Now with all of this, I became a cheater. Started out with one night stands on work trips, then lead into longer things with chicks. I feel like shit for all of that and have since stopped. But one thing it showed me is I do not love my wife and don’t think I ever can. 80% of these women were just more enjoyable to be around then my wife. Sometimes it wouldn’t even be a sexual fling, just more emotional and I loved having a real authentic conversation with a woman. I honestly think if I never cheated I would be content with my crazy and lazy wife for the sake of my kid and keeping my good income from my job, but that lack of emotional and physical connection would still be there. I was comfortably unhappy before.

My job and kid are what keeps me at a standstill. It seems the courts aren’t in any favor of men in a divorce. I’ve already met with an attorney and child support is for sure on the table (between $800-$1500 a month, depending on how often I get her), alimony is a possibility, half of my savings account (wife doesn’t save she’s horrible with money), losing the house I bought and have invested and paid 100% for. Also my wife and her wealthy parents will fight to drag her and my daughter back to the Midwest to a town that is hours from the nearest airport.

I’m at this point where I really want out, but then I feel guilty and selfish. Feel like I will become the guy who left for a better life, while also hating life because I’ll lose my daughter and everything I worked for. Anyone been remotely in my shoes? If so, what did you do?