Divorcing a Possible BPD Spouse

BatGuano52 · 2025-04-04T17:59:59+00:00

I'm in the same boat as you job wise, make sure your security people and supervision know what's going on, including the possibility she may lie and/or make false accusations.

I saw you filed, good.

Your stbxw sounds like mine, she had a low paying job, so big pay difference,.and she didn't want the divorce.

I think if I told her today (10 months after having her served) that I changed my mind, she'd be moved back in tomorrow and pretend like nothing happened or, at worst, a rough patch.

I offered to move out on the condition that she paid the mortgage because I couldn't afford the mortgage and rent at the same time.

She said she couldn't afford to pay the mortgage and she agreed to move out.

She reneged on the agreement, got a place line up and moved some stuff out but then her attorney told her (I didn't find this out until later) to not leave the house without our son.

She used him being at the house as an excuse to keep staying there. Then, she'd try picking fights with me in front of him.

I finally changed the locks and requested a restraining order.

In the restraining order, I specified that she had agreed to move out, described her behavior and that I wanted a custody order and exclusive use of the house (to prevent her from coming back) but I wanted our son to be with his mom as much as possible.

The emergency order was denied but it apparently got the point across and she stopped coming to the house.

I followed up the restraining order with requests for order (RFOs) for the custody order and exclusive use.

That gave her the option to agree to the custody order and exclusive use or have the judge put them on her using the restraining order and end up with a temporary restraining order against her.

She agreed to both and life has been generally quiet since.

Since I went on my first date (which she found out about incident because of a phone call from my son) she has started engaging in attention seeking behaviors and she's trash talking me to people, including my parents, but my life is a million times better.

1) Get out of of the house. I would highly recommend the restraining order followed up with the RFOs. As somebody else mentioned, you don't want to be the one responding to a restraining order.

In the restraining order, just make it clear that you want her out of the house and nothing more. Don't mention anything about restrictions to her time with your kid(s) unless you have documented threats of violence against the kids, the judge won't like to see that without really strong justification and it will set her off.

Also, as others have mentioned, being in the house with her increases the risk that she's going to call the cops on you with a false DV accusation.

Guess who the cops are going to be treating as the aggressor when they show up?

You don't want to be that guy.

By getting one of you out of the house and you leaving if necessary, you show that you are trying to avoid conflict and keep the peace.

Throughout the process, the best interest of the children is going to be the top priority.

Just make sure that you are making regular attempts to have time with your kid, even if she's preventing you from doing so.

In California, if you move out but attempt to maintain contact, you are not considered to be abandoning your child.

If you stay and it turns into a restraining order slug fest, the judge is going to question why you stayed at the house with her if she was so abusive.

And, she is going to claim you were abusive.

The judge will have no mercy on either of you.

Be proactive, be reasonable and don't be vindictive (you don't sound like you are, but I just wanted to reiterate it).

2) By getting one of you out and starting a regular custody schedule, your kid(s) will be MUCH better off.

And get your kid(a) into therapy ASAP if they aren't already.

3) Get everything in writing, expect her to reneg on anything she agrees to and plan to be pushing the divorce along.

4) Read up on the divorce law on your state, as in be to the point where you'd feel comfortable going without an attorney, but I recommend sticking with one.

5) If you can afford one, I highly recommend a divorce coach, I can recommend one of you're interested.

6) Be prepared for her to use your kid against you. I've always had the "Mom said you did this" discussion with my son, among other things.

7) Hit me up in chat if you want and we can talk there.

No-Walk-1633 · 2025-04-02T21:11:50+00:00

Yes, I had great success, however I think it might be too late for you. After my ex-spouse with BPD moved in with the guy she was obsessed with, he went out of the coutry for 2 weeks and wasn't easily contactable. During this time she wanted to move back so I convinced her to sign a Postnup agreement. She agreed and even took charge by writing it up and scheduling the notary. About 3 weeks after she moved back in with me she left for him again. Luckily for me, that postnup stayed in place and I was able to keep everything, including our house along with no alimony and her keeping her 30k in credit card debt.

I recommend this tactic to everyone. If they want to come back, make them create and execute a postnup. You can't cry foul on a document you created.

Now for you, you could maybe try this tactic. You did say she is trying to scare you into staying in the marriage. Maybe get her to write up a postnup and try to make it work. Once it doesn't work, you'll be golden.

black65Cutlass · 2025-04-01T14:16:14+00:00

I did have success but mine wanted out and actually filed first. It was a no-fault divorce; we were only married 4 years. I was exceedingly nice to her during the divorce to avoid her having any meltdowns. I paid her more than I was required from the equity in the house just to make her go away and get her out of my life as soon as possible. What I spent on paying her off to leave was less than what it would have cost to have her drag it out and pay all the attorney's fees. Once everything was final and I had her name off the house I completely ghosted her. Changed my phone number and went completely no contact.

Fortunately, mine was "relatively" agreeable during the process. I helped her pack, I helped her take stuff to her storage unit, I even took donations to the Goodwill for her, just to avoid any meltdowns. She thought we would be best friends again after the divorce was final, I just kept nodding and smiling, knowing I was going to ghost her after it was final.

Dangerous_Item_6879 · 2025-04-01T13:35:50+00:00

Been there done that. I know it is tough for you to visualize because you are going through hell right now, but once you are done you will experience peace and tranquility.

The advice given so far is spot on.

File first if you haven’t done so already.

Do not be left alone with your stbx if possible. These people are known to get violent when they don’t get their way. If she attacks you, let her beat the shit out of you. Then call the cops. Do not fight back.

Sleep in another room and put a lock on the door.

Communicate by email only.

Be prepared for last minute cancellations for mediation. Have a rock solid parenting plan and divorce decree drafted. Make sure everything is explained clearly. BPD are bad a following instructions/rules (birthdays, holidays, pickup and drop off schedules, who pays for what etc).

Realize that the judge does not care about BPD/Narcissism. Unless she is physically abusive or negligent around the kids (and you have good evidence of this) you will at best get 50/50 custody.

At a certain point in mediation you will reach the point where paying for the mediator and your lawyer is more expensive than just giving her more money.

There is also a mental and physical health value by getting this over as soon as possible. No sense in dragging this out longer so that you can “keep more money, or pay less alimony”.

Check out:

“will I ever be free of you” by Karyl McBride.

“Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist” by Margalis Fjelstad

“It’s not you” by Ramani Durvasula. (Also check out her YouTube channel Dr Ramani for great information).

chuyito801 · 2025-04-01T04:56:25+00:00

Record everything!!! Get a bodycam, get two. File first for 50/50.

Beamformer · 2025-04-01T04:25:31+00:00

I have Celebrated over a year of zero contact, you are really getting your money's worth when you divorce a borderline. Mine was as bad as she could possibly be before and during the divorce, blocked her the moment she walked in to collect the ransom for my release.

SirLawnsALot · 2025-03-31T22:26:47+00:00

I have so much advice, I'll probably forget half of it.

1) grey or yellow rock are your biggest tools. This isn't just words but body language as well as written responses.

2) switch to all written communication. Emails are ok but I'd get on a parenting app that archives everything. Talking Parents is ok and free.

3) don't be alone with her. Don't be in the same room, same car as her. If you are forced to, I'd highly recommend recording everything.

4) Silver Bullet divorce is very real.and anyone with cluster B has this in their offensive weapons arsenal.

5) make sure your attorney is seasoned (10+ years doing divorces only). The more time in the business the better. They've seen it all. Try to get an attorney with a CALM demeanor to ride the Grey Rock train when dealing with your cluster B bride.

6) most attorneys do recommend staying in the home, but if it comes down to violence/protection orders, it may be worth it to be NOT in the same vicinity. This is something to consider on your own.

7) do not talk bad about the mom to the kids. Ever. Make it a habit to mention her in a positive light. Your kid(s) will recognize this

8) don't sleep with her. Don't be intimate. It can be used as evidence of sexual assault.

9) keep a journal of EVERYTHING. Time dates of any significant event. Track yourself. This is huge. Documentation is huge. If it comes down to a custody battle (which it will, due to cluster b personality), your documentation will be the backbone of your evidence.

10) install cameras if possible / legal.

11) calling the police, either of you, will result in one or both of y'all being arrested if there are marks on either party. Be prepared for this.

12) work on yourself. Read about cluster b disorders. Hit the gym. Look into stoicism.

There's always more. But this will help.

JustSomeDude7287 · 2025-03-31T21:36:11+00:00

You need a better attorney. Sometimes it’s good to take preemptive actions so you can tell the narrative.

Ignore anything until they file with the court otherwise it’s a waste of your time and attorney cost.

Gray rock her and only talk to her about the divorce or kid. Once they get bored of you, you’re not fighting anything, they strive on chaos. Then they’ll leave you alone it gets worse before it gets better.

Been living with her for 10+ years in divorce process for 1 year and 4 months while under same roof. All her threats I’ve fought off.

Once you get to the judge hopefully a competent one to tell her to behave would be good because they listen to authority - in some manner.

You need to work on controlling your emotions and expect nothing less from her than chaos so you are unbothered when it comes.

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2025-03-31T20:11:36+00:00

Oh man, I stayed under threats until she got a job and cheated on me. She said she’d ruin me which would have been hell for everyone especially the kids. Say you’ll stay if she gets a higher paying job and signs a post nuptial agreement. If that’s not an option, document everything, get the order of protection and get some distance from her.

Title	Divorcing a Possible BPD Spouse
Author	Moms_Sketti88
Upvotes	12
Comments	36
Date	March 31, 2025 7:57 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1jochjg/divorcing_a_possible_bpd_spouse/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/divorcing-a-possible-bpd-spouse.1548257 https://theredarchive.com/post/1548257

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