Should I go off the grid?

Forage_Away_2294 · 2023-12-29T00:51:43+00:00

No, don’t go off grid. What you’re describing there is depression, my dude. And that’s a totally natural feeling to have at this point in the process. Schedule some time to talk to a pro about it.

Re: that alimony - don’t see why in the world you should agree to pay out for 20 years, past when your kid is 18. If your lawyer can’t make that argument then it’s time to find a new lawyer.

Dapper_Employer5787 · 2023-12-28T20:16:38+00:00

Bro, I feel this way too. If I could just disappear somewhere I would. My kid is almost all grown up, and her mom turned the kid against me over the past several years. We are about to start divorce process in January, I wish I could just walk away, but not sure if that's possible

Gattsama · 2023-12-28T12:57:58+00:00

Short answer leaving the country is not hard. We have pretty open borders. But you need to be prepared to never return, never see your child again, and have a way to generate income in the new location. At a minimum, you will need to make VISA runs to stay there, and your US passport will expire or be withdrawn with time. So you need a path to a new passport.

IF you have the money, you can do citizenship by investment. But let's assume that's not an option. You sound young, so you wouldn't qualify for the senior or retirement VISA (for which you would have to work under the table).

TBH best course is to continue to fight it out till the end, see where things finally fall. And once done can make plans to escape if needed.

I meant 2 guys that have done this. One in Cebu (Philippines) and one I'm Phuket (Thailand). The Cebu guy was a dentist, don't know how he had his practice setup to work overseas. The Phuket guy was a full time BJJ and surfer, that just did odd jobs, was from Scotland.

PenelopeShoots · 2023-12-28T02:32:20+00:00

My kid is literally taught to say, “you should give mommy more money, you have a lot of money”.

This means your ex is constantly saying "He has money, and won't give it to me! XYZ is happening because he won't give me more money!" and your daughter has to hear that BS. Can you record it and have your lawyer use it to show your ex is being manipulative and possibly fighting for more custody to get more child support? Or maybe she needs to have less custody since she's struggling so much financially, and you would LOVE to have more custody?

Also don't talk to ex directly if she made false allegations against you. If she told you she was surprised about the schedule, it means you are talking to her, and anyone who lies about DV is dangerous- don't talk to her at all.

I’m at a point where it’s just better for my mental health to just get off the grid and live the rest of whatever is left of my life is peace with the cash I got left. Anyone feel this way?

People have done this and are happy. They often put there money in inaccessible accounts, move, and don't share their new info with ANYONE (including family who may feel badly for the ex and share it secretly).

Why do you have to pay her for 20 years if you earn the same? You may need a better lawyer, and fight HARD to show she sabotaged your work, is alienating your child from you with BS about you having money when she earns the same, lied about the DV, and you shouldn't pay anything once your daughter is grown. At 18, you can pay child support payments directly to daughter if the court thinks they should continue (I've heard of a case where a man argued for this after it was discovered NONE of his payments went toward the kids for lessons, school, etc and the mom was spending their college money he was sending for tuition and the kids were taking out loans and working to pay for college). The court ruled that the dad could pay the college directly, and the kids would live with him when off from school (they didn't want to see their mom again after they found out she was stealing from them).

ORTENRN · 2023-12-28T00:59:57+00:00

My friend moved to a cheap place in Mexico- cheap rent- cheap food- warm all year round. His kid was in high school, but his ex was nasty as heck. And kid never saw him. He was just a paycheck to them.

Jojothereader · 2023-12-27T23:38:34+00:00

I just bought a spot.

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2023-12-27T23:34:10+00:00

Your kid doesn't know better. All you can do is be the best father you can be to child you can be. You can only control you, not the lawyers, not her and not even the judge. Her job is to break you to any extent she can. Sounds fuck up but true. Your job is not let her see you stress no matter what she does. Hard to do at first but so priceless in the end. Been there, done that. She is so out of my life and the kids are grown and gone. She breaks you, she wins and in turn is cutting her own throat. Doesn't make any sense but that's how it is sometime. Stay the course and go into survival mode. Minimal contact. I only did email and text. Got me through it in the end.

jalopkoala · 2023-12-27T23:24:42+00:00

To me, the math is just: is my kid going to have a better life with more of me in it or less of me in it? Is my kid going to be a better person with more of me in it or less of me in it?

Sounds like leaving your kid solely to her is gonna be worse than the kid than the unfair and horrible 8 days a month.

After being what I would consider the primary day in/day out caregiver, my wife was going for supervised visits of my three year old at the time. I had to fight tooth and nail, eventually we caught her in a lie the court cared about, and we settled for 50/50. It cost me 80k and I ultimately did bankruptcy.

It was fucking dark. I didn’t like being there for my child being the only reason I still wanted to be alive. It took a few years before I went from keeping myself alive to living a life. And now I’m thankful for the divorce. I’d be missing out on a pretty banging life if it never happened.

I can see the positive impact of the 50/50 on my kid and see my influences in him to mitigate the things I find problematic about mom. Worth everything to me. He didn’t ask to be here. He didn’t ask to have us for parents.

We haven’t had any legal battles for a few years, but even after the settlement she did some moves to take him from me but I won. It seems to have settled into a Cold War. It’s not collaborative in any way.

Hang in there. It can be a war of attritions. She’s attacking you. She just needs to be successful 1 time to get you to give up or the court to fuck you. But you have to be successful 100% of the time. It’s hard.

CRobinsFly · 2023-12-27T21:44:20+00:00

35M here. It's because men are nothing more than utilities to women at the end of it. I think about what you're suggesting every day. Ultimately I am pretty content with almost no amenities or comforts so it is possible I may one day just say F it and disappear/ghost. Heck I basically have done that for the last year.

My ex isn't as awful as yours appears to be; she and I recently filed to dismiss her parentage lawsuit against me - I will just pay her the 1.2k/mo that she wants and she'll give me 35% custody. (Before I get attacked: I know I am taking a risk here and I accept that, dont bother commenting wrt that - if my ex crosses me again I will completely ghost and never go back). I'm pretty fortunate that 1.2k/mo is only about 5% of my gross income, fine, I know it could be much much worse for me.

Looking back at your situation - your child is actively being alienated against you. You need to start recording the child saying those things to you about child support. That's clear evidence of alienation and is child abuse. You need more custody to combat this. Disgusting that women do this.

Anyway, if you want to give up (and many here might downvote you for it) which I consider to be a potentially acceptable choice, there are many strategies to stay ahead of it such that she never collects from you (but you likely won't see your kid again). I believe if one tries and risks the potential consequences, you can mostly avoid the family law system, but you'll be moving a lot(to other states) and likely downgrading the quality of life.

landlinesr · 2023-12-27T20:33:16+00:00

I've thought about it. What would be your plan? Where would you go? If you go to another country, how would you bring money? The IRS will seize your accounts if you don't pay alimony/child support if you have anything left that she hasn't sucked out completely

landlinesr · 2023-12-27T20:27:21+00:00

It's a tax for being stupid that the state requires us to pay. All the rules are available but we are so sure it could never happen to us that we never consider it...until it happens. Then we realize how dumb and naive we are

Xan-Diesel · 2023-12-27T20:21:30+00:00

The situation for many (most) of us is bleak. It really is amazing how much they can get away with and how much they're rewarded with using nothing but emotions and words. My ex-wife was awarded full temporary emergency custody over three and a half YEARS after we've been observing 50/50 (week-on/week-off) custody with zero hiccups. She used my arrest for a completely unrelated domestic violence situation (where I was arrested but the actual victim of the attack) to get a restraining order.

She simply told the judge she heard I was on drugs as well and with no conviction (or even trial, yet) in the criminal case I've been ordered to complete a substance abuse assessment, drug testing with her lawyer, 52-weeks of batterers intervention courses and only get to see our kids once per week (when convenient for the place that handles supervised visitation).

She didn't have to provide the testimony of the "people" who "heard" I was on drugs or even provide their names. She had to provide zero evidence I'd ever harmed our kids. I had 7-8 letters from family and friends talking about me with my kids, their kids and a combination of situations over the years highlighting my dedication to my kids. I countered every absurd attack point through my response. I doubt the judge even read my response or the letters.

Lies from one woman got me sent to jail and now facing prison time for crimes I haven't committed. Lies from another woman took my children away and added thousands of dollars of penalties through court orders and all of it with no real evidence.

Now I have to beat my criminal case by convincing the jurors I'm innocent and THEN I can go back and remind them I was always supposed to be presumed innocent until proven guilty - that I'm actually innocent and followed every court order ... and then ask for the 50/50 custody back that's worked without issue for several years.

Title	Should I go off the grid?
Author	Dadsurvivor317
Upvotes	33
Comments	30
Date	December 27, 2023 8:07 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/18s9swz/should_i_go_off_the_grid/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/should-i-go-off-the-grid.1241671 https://theredarchive.com/post/1241671

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