So, I had an affair…

throwaway165393 · 2022-02-05T08:08:14+00:00

Own it. Let them use it as a life lesson. Decisions have real life consequences and be remorseful (if you are). What's other option? Let their mom tell them and now looks like you were hiding it from them?

Maybe wait until they start dating. I plan to tell my kids when they are older. Not to make them resent their mom, but to teach them a life lesson. #1 don't cheat, end marriage first, then go and #2 if you get cheated on, don't stay with that person. And I'll tell them that their mother isn't a bad person, just made some bad choices. Everyone makes a few bad choices in life.

fewdo · 2022-02-05T15:14:06+00:00

Tell them in a matter-of-fact way that teaches them what you want them to learn.

Maybe, "Things were bad between mom and I. We were not able to fix it. I moved on to someone new before ending things with your mom. That was a shitty way to treat her and I regret that."

Don't blame anyone but yourself

Chip512 · 2022-02-05T13:33:23+00:00

Just stay in your children’s lives - they’ll form their own opinions you you and you’re ex.

dogsrule2019 · 2022-02-05T07:07:12+00:00

They don't need to know. The only question is "how does this help/serve/benefit them?". The answer is it doesn't. Your burden isn't theirs. Good luck and be the best man you can be. We're here

Bipolar_investor · 2022-02-05T16:51:49+00:00

All what happens to us, When properly circumstanciated, need to serve our offspring. I learned nothing from my parents, other than grind to survive and i feel like my experience will serve my kids, including my divorce...i have two boys and i want them to have my lessons learned in sight.

TheG00dFather · 2022-02-06T15:08:08+00:00

No need to tell them anything until they are ready and curious. Human beings are fallible. It's how you deal with it and act afterwards that is important.

I had an affair also when our son was one. Neither of us wanted kids when we got married. Until 8 months after marriage when she broke the news that she did. I still didn't. 2 years of constant fighting later she got pregnant under "conditions" I needed met (like moving closer to family). None were met and a female coworker entered my life when my son was one. And after 3 months of pushing toward it without my realizing it (I was naive), she got me drunk, alone and had sex with me. Something just completely fucking broke in my head and I continued it for a bit before confessing and ending it. I just didn't want to be a dad and created a "getaway" in my head and this affair partner was part of it. I underwent therapy to fix not only my marriage but my relationship with my son. I didn't feel literally anything towards my son for the first 3 years of his life..don't get me wrong I tried and showed him love. I was just empty on the inside.

2 years later after "D-Day" our divorce papers were signed because my wife wanted to pursue more kids and I had a vasectomy almost immediately after my son was born when I realized the mistake I made.

I have 50/50 custody now and I do love the shit out of my son and he has a great life. My ex and I are amazing coparents together and communicate and share all the time. Life is so much better now. I still wish we could have worked things out but yeah...we clearly wanted different things out of life

Could always be worse friend. At least you only have the affair to deal with. Others told you to not keep it a secret if asked and they are ready. For me? How the f can you tell someone how close they were to not existing and the mental breakdown they suffered when they were? That's rough. But he's only 5 this month so plenty of time to ponder. And he already knows how much I love him so not worried. He will know how to communicate effectively and how the set boundaries

We are their parents and we have a lot to teach them, especially our mistakes that they can learn from.

thefudmaster · 2022-02-05T08:09:23+00:00

They do need to know. My ex and her family lied to my kids and said I was evil and abusive. I’m glad I hired a PI back in the day to document her affairs because lack of that video would have caused my sons to hate me for a lie.

As far as spilling the beans to your kids. I was in the opposite boat and my kids realized their mom was a cheating piece of shit. They know she was a bad wife but she isn’t a bad mom after tackling her substance abuse issues.

All this to say, just be honest with them. Tell them without all of the gory details. May I ask why you cheated?

AllAroundAverageGuy · 2022-02-05T22:15:50+00:00

There’s 12 steps you could follow.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-02-05T23:23:18+00:00

The kids are too young to be involved in adult conversation. I would not tell them anything beyond that sometimes marriages don't work and it had nothing to do with the kids.

You need to be focusing on your kids mental health and telling them it's not their fault. If they ask you why you're getting divorced, just say that's between your mom and I and change the conversation to them.

pegleg_legal · 2022-02-07T01:30:37+00:00

Any discussion with them of it is with the both of you there and an agreed upon discussion points.

If you're not in that place, then neither of you say a word. If she's going to trash you in front of them, well, that's damaging and selfish.

Title	So, I had an affair…
Author	Sentosa14
Upvotes	7
Comments	12
Date	February 5, 2022 6:43 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/sl0hfq/so_i_had_an_affair/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/so-i-had-an-affair.1099665 https://theredarchive.com/post/1099665

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