struggling being alone

Gattsama · 2022-05-08T01:26:33+00:00

Sorry you are going through this man. Especially with the kids. Let me ask you this and challenge you.. what is negative about being alone? Are you caught up in your own thoughts/feelings/worries? bored? lack direction? need to be of service? not use to taking care of yourself? anxious?

I think more men need to really work on isolation. We tend to use women, family, work, sex, drugs (and I include alcohol) to fill up 'empty' time rather then deal with our actually issues. Dating to fill a space is not a good idea, it's just another way to avoid your real issues.

I would suggest therapy (personal, but also reading all the resources on the net / books). And starting some hobbies and activities are done in isolation. That doesn't mean no people, just that interacting with people is not the goal or needed. For example, running, lifting, walking, hiking, or anything physical.

Studies show that exercise is actually better than SSRI (anti-depressants). But you have to do it regular. I normally recommend people start with calisthenics and walking as these are free, and can be done by anyone at any level.

I'm not saying this is you, but I tell people often that 'only boring people get bored.' There is so much to do and attack in life, again not saying you, but if you find yourself just sitting around with nothing to do; then you are wasting and losing time that could be spent on self improvement.

As men we have allowed society to program us into believe that our self worth is defined by how useful we are: husband, father, employee, son, friend, provider, rescuer, etc. And then when society takes that away from us we feel lost (look at mass shooters, male suicide after divorce). We need to start to focus more on ourselves. This is NOT being selfish, this is necessary for our survival.

Once you know yourself, once you know your path, once you have a mission and plan; THEN you can decide how to interact with others (STBX, kids, work, life, friends, etc). But if you are coming from a place of lack, understand that not only will NOTHING ever truly fill that hole; but you are going to consistently be the slave to/of that that thing. You will have fear of losing it, it will control you instead of you loving a life of your own choosing.

I know that sounds hyperbolic, but how often do we hear: I can't do X the wife won't let me, I hate my job but the benefits, I really want to do Y but have to think about the kids, etc. What we have done is surrendered our power BY OUR OWN CHOICE, and then complain about how powerless we are :)

And for the record, I was in the same boat. I choose to surrender my power and life to my STBX. To avoid fights, to make her happy, to take care of her, to appease her, to give to get along, to provide, etc. etc. And of course it never really worked.

Please consider taking some time to really dive deep into why you have feelings of loneliness, why this concerns you, what you really want from life, what your path / mission is, and then work / choose to make the decisions necessary for you to be successful.

Be safe out there

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2022-05-08T02:09:07+00:00

You have already received some great advice here.

This would be my advice… Advice when faced w divorce

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just the basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and high-intensity cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too. Also more muscles, those are good too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring and builds endurance and strength. And after a few minutes you are just thinking of breathing and hitting and not a whole bunch else.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something. The idea is that you find something that brings you joy and keeps your mind and body occupied.

Stay away from alcohol (drugs), do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger then that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along w Intermittent Fasting). And also get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this. Can’t sleep? Try melatonin, sleep / relaxation apps, meditation, prayer, fixed bed time routine.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas that you could do in 10-20 hours a week then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits). Maybe doing some driving for Lyft / Uber or Door Dash, real estate investing (podcast Bigger Pockets) or maybe you have some skill you haven’t used in a bit that can bring in some extra cash (Tutoring, guitar lessons, dog walker, etc).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace. If you are religious pray, read your Bible or other holy book.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art, plants, and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Do NOT feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions. Sometimes sessions won’t be super productive other times they will be. It’s a process that takes some time and won’t last forever. But it will help you struggle through the mental quagmire (shit) and grow stronger and move on.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful (I really think the audiobooks are a good investment. I can take a 4 hour road trip and finish a book. Learn to listen at faster speeds.):

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

• ⁠ Can’t Hurt Me

• ⁠ Extreme Ownership

• Discipline Equals Freedom

• ⁠ Boundaries

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do.

Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on. Do not let her draw you into talking about these things. They are yours and yours alone.

This not a sprint, it is more like a marathon, just keep moving forward one foot in front of the other. Your journey won’t be straight, some days you will feel like shit, some days you won’t. The important thing is that you keep doing some positive things in your life, for yourself.

And lastly, do NOT jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played incoming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out and be honest with yourself and accept feedback from those that know you (family, friends, therapist). Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do NOT repeat the same mistakes that got you where you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market, if you so choose, in a much much better position.

Don’t give up, you’ve got this.

2022-05-08T00:31:49+00:00

It gets better. Trust me, it does. You must believe it will, because it will be. It is a process though, and you are just going thru it.
Do not date, since you are definetly not ready for it at all. Do not use substances or sex to deal with the pain. Seek therapy and get on depression and anxiety meds asap. Buy a bike and hit the trails. Go out for walks. Get on Youtube and research videos on the topic. Get on Meetup.com and look up support groups. If you have a church, seek help from them. Many churches have divorce support groups. Look up other support groups in your area. And always remember... YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-05-08T02:47:24+00:00

Others will not make you happy. If you're trying to fill the void externally, it will fail. Find it internally through meditation, prayer, and exercise. It's hard work but worth it.
What you're experiencing is very normal. It will take time. Accept the feeling and don't beat yourself up for it. I've been 3 years out and only now I'm starting to somewhat get better. THREE years.

Ancient-Length8844 · 2022-05-08T03:51:01+00:00

I'd look into codependency issues

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-05-08T13:48:54+00:00

> I started dating but that is only a temporary relief.

STOP DATING. You need to get your shit together before you make another mistake. Here's the best post-divorce dating advice I've ever read: https://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=81647 It's clear that advice was written for men like you who need to first address loneliness.

You’re going to spend about 85 years with yourself. Learn to enjoy spending time alone. If are you lonely when you are alone, then you are in bad company. Don’t get into a relationship if you aren’t comfortable living alone. You must be comfortable being independent before you can become interdependent.

markeross · 2022-05-08T17:02:59+00:00

I don't have much to add as there is lot here already:

Time. It takes time. You WILL get there. Please believe that.
When I was going through it, I was stuck like you on what we had had. But more and more honest scrutiny of that revealed that perhaps I had not been honest with myself about what it really was.
One day while lamenting the loss of what I had, something crept in: the thought of what could be... and how good that could be. The "old" part of me quickly shut that down: "it won't be good," "that is selfish thinking," "you'll never get there," etc. Thus began this period where I would allow myself to imagine this great time "on the other side" to creep in more and more. Soon I realized that that is actually what I wanted, even more then "what I had had." And one day, boom! There I was, and it was as awesome as I had thought it could be. I hope that makes sense.
lots of rec's, but picking only one to start: Mark Manson's, "The Subtle Art of..." The guy is truly gifted.

Lean on your true friends! And places like this subreddit are here for you! Take care man!

S4z3r4c · 2022-05-08T23:03:56+00:00

Watch jocko's "move on" video on YouTube and move on. It's OK to be alone.

Dizzy-Ad512 · 2022-05-09T01:51:33+00:00

It will get better with time ..

Title	struggling being alone
Author	Aware-Plate-255
Upvotes	22
Comments	12
Date	May 8, 2022 12:24 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ukq4xk/struggling_being_alone/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/struggling-being-alone.1115097 https://theredarchive.com/post/1115097

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