Think about it a lot

lostcanuck007 · 2022-03-29T12:30:44+00:00

lawyer, also you're sort of doomed, i would advise you to get alternative living arrangements setup quickly. 200k is........going to be a double whammy. claim depression and work less? get it documented. offer lump sum alimony, try your best to settle out of court. get a criminal and family lawyer and install cameras at your place, false allegations are going to destroy you and you seem like the perfect target for it. look if your state is at fault or no fault? that helps with the infidelity, as you can sometimes recoup your costs or lessen them. You need an out of court settlement and fast. she has already talked to a lawyer, which is why she keeps throwing in splitting up, she knows her position and precisely how much she'll get when you split. be careful,do your reseach before pulling the trigger. I would advise someone "lends" you a shit ton of money, while you "lend" someone else or even "lose" it, so it looks like you're keeping up appearances for the sake of covering gambling debts. There is a lot we can say but i think you're in for a ride and you're just standing in line waiting for your turn.

NohoTwoPointOh · 2022-03-29T12:10:16+00:00

Just scared to be alone I guess

Tell us why you think this is. Because the root of the problem lies here.

thefudmaster · 2022-03-29T14:18:00+00:00

She cheated. Leave!

pegleg_legal · 2022-03-29T11:22:09+00:00

It is very hard to move on from infidelity so kudos to you for giving it a shot. In the end it is about what you want from your life, your kids and your marriage. If things are improving and you feel more fulfilled in the relationship, then that is good but with alcohol comes many things, including revealing of emotions and unhappiness.

Threats of divorce come about for a few non-mutually-exclusive reasons: (1) unhappiness and actually wanting a divorce, (2) attention seeking and wanting to fix things but not having the tools to approach it in a non-threatening way, (3) some type of power play or assertion of control, and (4) being in fear or pain and wanting to cause that to the other person.

You already have evidence through the affair that she's willing to step out of the marriage. If the underlying problems weren't fixed or aren't identified or fixable ... it's a one-way street unless you're just willing to go back to accepting what she defines from time to time as the status quo. And even then she may still leave.

I think it was good that you spent some time alone focusing on work, maybe make a habit of that so you can get some time out of her influence and orbit to figure out what you really want, taking into consideration the kids. From my perspective, what she wants is irrelevant except insofar as it practically impacts you and what you want. She doesn't deserve much of a voice in your consideration.

crypto_keeper88 · 2022-03-29T12:00:20+00:00

This is sad, you need to be at peace with yourself and you will never find as long as you are living with that evil woman. She has no respect for you at all and is only using you. There is no love left, she just wants the lifestyle you provide and most likely will cheat again if she isn't already doing so.

theowawayforme555 · 2022-03-29T10:26:56+00:00

You might be scared to be alone but remember this: You are an appreciating asset and she is a depreciating one. Invest in yourself either therapy, gym or any self help that will work for you. Speak to a lawyer and don’t mention divorce until you have sound legal advice. She has only upside by leaving because she doesn’t work and you do. That means you are her meal ticket. You will be stuck giving her half of the assets plus alimony (paying her to sit on her ass and do nothing). You need good legal advice on how to move your assets around prior to divorce so that you are not splitting your assets with her. try to encourage her to get out and get a job. Once she has a job and is financially independent then filing for divorce will cost you significantly less in most states since you will have less alimony to pay. Seek legal advice!!!

Weedwillmakemerich · 2022-03-29T15:37:00+00:00

Have you guys gone to couples counseling? Maybe try to address the alcohol issues, if there is one? It may be to late, I know infidelity is hard to forgive. I hate to see another marriage fail if there is hope for saving it. But then again, I'm a hopeless romantic that got to busy trying to give my wife what I thought she wanted unstead of what she needed..

Darkfire66 · 2022-03-29T17:51:48+00:00

It's a temporary downgrade, the money will come back.

You'll have your whole life free and clear to get what you want out of it, but don't let her shit on the time you have left.

It'll hurt, it'll be expensive, and it'll be worth it.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-03-29T21:55:21+00:00

Here are the issues:

Your high salary/over time you're putting in is going to kill you on child support and alimony obligations. Solution: Stop working so hard/much, because WHEN (not if) divorce happens, you'll be expected to keep it up.
You need to file for divorce first to prevent false abuse allegations from her. I did not and she made lots of false allegations to maximize support.
Realize IT'S OVER. The sooner you realize it, the better off you'll be.

Classic_Dill · 2022-03-30T01:01:48+00:00

OK buddy boy, there’s a bit of damage to unpack here, first off she’s a terrible, terrible, terrible, narcissistic woman! You have stated above, that she was cheating on you before you moved to your new house, this also happened to me by the way! She actually had you move to her boyfriends area so she could see him more! He has absolutely no respect for you, even worse, she less than respects you. I’m not saying to be a complete asshole to her, but what I am saying is this, absolutely positively no communication between you two unless it’s about the kids, you don’t owe her a fucking thing! And you’re not being naïve by the way, when I told my wife that we are going to separate and I ended up walking into my temporary living arrangement all of a sudden the me from 1995 came flying back, then me that wouldn’t take any shit before I was married. You are totally not naïve, welcome back to self-respect and self worth and for gods sake know what your value is! Those three things are the absolute most important thing you can do at this point and spend time with your kids, but don’t think about her and certainly do not give her the respect to get back into your life, she does not deserve it, she used you like my wife used me, like an old ass pair of underwear, now it’s time for you to leave some streaks in them, lol

Oh shit? You’re not even divorced yet? Dude! Go get a lawyer right now! And for god sake, anything that’s of any value to you start to take it and put it into a storage area that she doesn’t know about, you absolutely have to divorce her, cheaters will always cheat that is a guarantee and she doesn’t respect you and she doesn’t love you for sure, get the hell away from her use the power of your yearly income to help crush her in court and get more time with your kids, check on your states infidelity laws, here in Michigan they don’t count for much but they sometimes can be used for leverage in a custody battle, again do not feel naïve that you’re getting your self-respect back, but you have absolutely no idea how much respect for yourself you’re going to get when you finally give up on her emotionally and leave, lawyer up!

Gattsama · 2022-03-30T07:29:36+00:00

You are currently trapped in a FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. She didn't force to commute, she didn't decide that moving back was best, she doesn't even choose to be respectful or disrespectful. You choose all that. I know that is hard to hear or believe, but it's the truth. You choose and you allow. You are scared of being alone, but that is because you have been programmed to believe that.

First, being alone is ok, it will not kill you. Society has been working over time to convince men that we are women. Women fear being alone, men use to embrace it. The truth is that as a man you need only be as alone as you choose. As a women, you die without a community or man to support you.

Second, divorce is going to hurt. It's 50% of assets + spousal support + child support. You'll get over and deal with the money. But it's going to hurt your psyche even more. That is also ok, you do NOT have to take care of another grown adult. You are not responsible for her, and she does NOT control you.

See it sucks taking accountability and saying this is my fault, this is what I choose and what I allowed. But the flip to that is you now accept that you can make different choices. YOU control if you stay in the relationship, you control where you live or if you move, you control you. You are not able to control anything or anyone but you.

Check out "No More Mr Nice guy" (amazon, audiobook and mostly free on Youtube). You have most of the nice guy traits based on your post.

Check out "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist". I am NOT saying this is your wife. But the techniques are universally helpful. And you are in a FOG.

Also would highly suggest make plans to go no contact for a few days if able. That means no work, away from the house (wife and kids), no cell calls, texts, emails, social media, etc. Just you, doesn't matter if alone or with others. But ideally alone. People often need some no contact time to see what it feels like being alone. But also removed from the stress, drama and BS. You don't need her permission to do this, but if you need to just lie and say it's for work, or a guys trip, or your brother died :)

Contact a lawyer. Even if not really to terminate you need to hear about your options, rights and likely outcomes. In an ideal world cut back work as much as possible, encourage / demand she get a job, stop paying off communal debt (it's half hers) and start putting aside money she can't access. That money is communal, but can be split up after the divorce, you'll need to protect yourself when you file. Also may need to move certain valuables out of the house. Document / journal what you do for the family and kids. Not a diary, a journal to demonstrate your parental rights. Be super dad. If your state allows record conversations to protect from a possible DV, and if not already bed dead stop having sex with her OR AT LEASE make sure you are protected (pregnancy and STDs).

Personal plug - Besides 'No more mr nice guy' also Consider stoic philosophy. The basic themes focus on that you can only control your thoughts, feelings, actions and choices. The rest is beyond your control, and needs to be released. https://youtu.be/LAyvjURfP8k

Good luck and stay safe

"People are frugal in guarding their personal property; but as soon as it comes to squandering time they are most wasteful of the one thing in which it is right to be stingy." — Seneca

techfreedom93 · 2022-03-29T17:29:56+00:00

I'm not judging but personally I could never tolerate cheating. My self-respect wouldn't allow it. I don't know what to advise you because what's reasonable for me won't be for you.

Title	Think about it a lot
Author	justlinetime
Upvotes	9
Comments	25
Date	March 29, 2022 10:05 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/tqwej4/think_about_it_a_lot/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/think-about-it-a-lot.1109623 https://theredarchive.com/post/1109623

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