Well, I started the process

Wade-Wilson-Lucky13 · 2025-05-08T23:13:50+00:00

My youngest is 20, but other than that I'm in a similar situation. After a year of being semi separated, I finally told her I couldn't do it anymore, I wasn't in love with her and that wasn't going to change. She moved almost 800 miles away back up north where the rest of the kids still live a few weeks later. She took it upon herself to tell all the kids without asking me. I still don't know how the kids actually took it but she told me they had some pretty bad things to say about me. I don't know how much of it is true and how much she said just to try to hurt me.

You don't know how many times I've thought about going back to her, trying to patch things, to make it work, just to end the headache, the heartache, knowing my kids are upset over it. But every time I have to remind myself, I left for a reason. I can go back and never truly be completely happy, or I can ride out the storm and slowly move on, slowly get over it and get past it. It has only been a few months since she moved out and I still have days that are really hard, and days I don't think about it at all. It's not easy, but you have to decide what is best for you, in the long run. You are the only one that can make that decision. Hopefully you have family and/or friends to lean on and you have is in this group for support. I wish you the best in this journey.

Lukkychukky · 2025-05-08T15:23:15+00:00

Sharing something so raw and painful like that takes real courage. What you're feeling is completely valid. Leaving a marriage, especially with kids involved, is never simple, and the guilt you're carrying shows how deeply you care about your children. You're not a "piece of shit" — you're a human being in an incredibly difficult situation, trying to balance your own needs with the wellbeing of your family.

It's okay to grieve the pain this is causing, even if you're certain that staying in the marriage isn't right for you. Kids are resilient, and while this is a deeply painful chapter for them, what matters most now is how you show up going forward — with consistency, love, and honesty. Faking happiness long-term isn't sustainable or healthy for anyone, including your kids. They need the best version of you, not someone barely holding it together just to maintain an illusion of stability.

Give yourself some grace. The fact that you're second guessing and feeling this much shows you’re not acting selfishly — you’re trying to do the right thing in an impossible situation.

Have you thought about speaking with a therapist or mediator, either alone or with your wife, to help navigate this transition in a healthier way for the kids and yourselves?

peripateticherr · 2025-05-08T13:19:31+00:00

I’m with you in that boat, brother.

Wife and I mutually decided over the phone while she was out of town. Yesterday was her first day back (came home a day early) and it was ROUGH. Even though I wanted this, it’s still so hard.

needbetterdays1 · 2025-05-08T03:34:19+00:00

I guess I’m in this boat now. Today’s the day I told my wife I want to end it as well. Scared. Alone. Smfh

Moms_Sketti88 · 2025-05-08T02:33:27+00:00

Hey man I’m in the same boat. I started the process over a year ago. My stbx wife didn’t accept it at first, and still doesn’t. She finally lawyered up a few months ago, but wants to scorch the earth now as revenge. It’s either stay in a toxic marital prison, or bleed me dry financially if I continue on the path with divorce. Her toxic and high conflict personality has ramped up lately.

It was hard on my daughter at first, but she’s come around and see’s the bigger picture. The sad thing is, she has started to see how dad was affected by mom. She still loves us both, but she gets it. But I feel your pain, and the guilt gets me too. A few weeks back my daughter did say the saddest thing that made me cry. She said, “I wish I could go back to being a toddler and a little kid again when things were better”. At that age I guess she doesn’t quite remember the drama as much, but still hurt like a ton of bricks to hear coming from a kid. Sometimes I think of throwing in the towel of this divorce for things to go back to normal, but “normal” was a toxic household and I wasn’t ever happy. I will miss my kid every day under the same roof, having a “roof” and nice home, having financial freedom more so than I will now. The untangling of all of this is a bitch and a half.

The biggest shocker was people getting upset that me, as the guy, decided to file for divorce. For context my spouse was a very dramatic person, sometimes physically abusive over small things, spoiled, angry, no will power to change. I tried to get her into therapy, but she won’t change, and that was it for me. Feel free to reach out if you ever want to talk

Odd-Yoghurt1869 · 2025-05-07T21:31:02+00:00

My crazy ass woman of an ex was actively seeking me to fight with infront of the children, I was sleeping in my upstairs bedroom suite and the crazy bitch would come find me to start fights with me.

If she doesn’t actively try to make your life terrible, you have a roommate that helps you raise your kids. I would’ve happily settled for that.

Odd-Yoghurt1869 · 2025-05-07T21:27:32+00:00

Ok, as much as I hate what the west (especially my beloved country of USA) has done to the institution of marriage, why the EFF haven’t you tried working it out with the mother of your children?

You won’t find another woman who loves your children like her.

Get a post nuptial agreement.

And I’m divorced and it cost me around 1 million dollars.

Ndugutime · 2025-05-07T18:55:05+00:00

You need to have your own meeting with the kids. You are Dad and entitled to it. Tell them that you love them and you are there for them if they ask. Make sure to see each of them twice a week. If she can’t agree to that. Get a lawyer now. I assume you moved out. Probably shouldn’t done that, but probably cannot stand being under same roof

InfluenceIntrepid564 · 2025-05-07T18:13:33+00:00

Sounds out of order that she told the kids presumably without you being there (which is how I read it). And I’m in a similar situation in that I thought my marriage should carry on because it would be the best thing for the kids, but actually an unhappy marriage is not good for kids to be around - even if it’s not a shouty marriage, a loveless marriage is apparent even to young kids. It sounds like you have got your head straight that you don’t want to be with her so really it’s decision made, try to rise above anything she does or says to the kids as you need to be strong for your children.

Big_Marsupial_8142 · 2025-05-07T17:37:29+00:00

It's tough and it surely isn't easy my friend... Your kids are grieving the loss of the family structure. Part of the divorce process is the "Kids in the middle" education - which some parents ignore entirely and use the kids as a weapon against the ex. Let your kids grieve and be sad about the changes coming their way. Above all - let them know that you love them and would move heaven and earth for them and that they are NOT the reason you are ending your marriage.

Given time - hopefully your kids will see the "New and Improved" you and see for themselves how much happier and loving you are towards them.

CaptJaxParo · 2025-05-07T17:08:51+00:00

She is dragging them into the victim roll. Sounds very borderline narcissistic of her. All of her problems are their problems her pain is their pain

Title	Well, I started the process
Author	Top-Worker4497
Upvotes	23
Comments	29
Date	May 7, 2025 1:50 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1kgxuja/well_i_started_the_process/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/well-i-started-the-process.1551688 https://theredarchive.com/post/1551688

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