What is "healing" when you've lost all hope?

lostorj · 2026-07-14T15:22:19+00:00

I feel you 💔

Bishop-Caldwell_290 · 2026-07-14T14:07:42+00:00

What you're describing sounds less like a hope problem and more like grief that hasn't had room to actually move yet, 40 with a marriage ending isn't something you're supposed to be over quickly. The hobbies and bar scene advice fails a lot of guys because it skips straight to rebuilding before the loss is even processed. Might be worth finding a therapist who specifically works with divorce, not general talk therapy

ng_rddt · 2026-07-14T11:21:10+00:00

Currently, you have no goal or sense of purpose, and thus no hope or energy for the future. In part, that is because you, like many of us, previously lived a life according to an external goal that society, our parents and our ex-wife told us to adopt. We were supposed to be the provider/father/husband for a family. We accepted that harness around our neck gladly, and we pulled the plow for decades. Now you need to find something different, a new North Star, one that comes from inside of you. That requires effort and reflection, something most of us are too lazy to do. It was always easier for me to let my ex tell me what to do, let my boss tell me what to work on, let TV/social media tell me what to buy and where to vacation, etc. it is hard to look into the void and create a vision of a future especially when so many of us have forgotten who we are.

ReallySickofit55 · 2026-07-14T09:29:29+00:00

Volunteer. Helping others in need is good for the soul and gratifying.

Acceptable-Phrase794 · 2026-07-14T03:34:40+00:00

Yup! That’s the toughest part of divorce - you are not mourning the relationship, you don’t miss the person - you are actually mourning the death of your dream life, the one you had thought you will build.

I did all the things you hoped for, had a kid, supported her throughout, bought a house, bought a vehicle (not a given in my country, unlike the US), took international vacations, honeymoon, babymoon all that stuff. I still got screwed over. Happens. People don’t have the conscience you expect.

What you need now - your old life framework is dead. You need to figure out what kind of life do you want to build. Once you start rebuilding towards the new life dream, healing will happen as a consequence of it not as a driver of it. Driver is your zeal to find that new life framework and build within it. All the best brother! Hang in there!

krazykanuck · 2026-07-14T01:39:10+00:00

It sounds like for you, healing might be finding a life worth living for yourself. Your first sentence is all about someone else. Make it about you.

Left-Ad-7646 · 2026-07-14T01:31:46+00:00

There’s no such thing as “healing.” You simply accept reality: it is what it is. Human beings have amazing minds. When you have something and then lose it, you start wishing for the things you don’t have instead. If you’ve never been married, you probably wouldn’t think that way.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But the harsh truth is that nothing in life is guaranteed. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can move forward.

Start over, and good luck.

TeddyPSmith · 2026-07-14T01:14:13+00:00

I totally understand what you’re saying. A lot of the advice about working out and bettering myself just doesn’t land for me. It’s been 10 months and all I’ve been able to cobble together was going to therapy and briefly working out. Bc like you said, what’s the point?

Where I’m at now is that I’m learning to be ok alone. It was terrifying for a while. I was drinking a 6 pack after work and pretty much all weekend. But as time creeps on, I’m learning that I will be ok alone. That in itself is also depressing at times bc I dreamt my whole life of having a soulmate. But how could I have a soulmate if I was incomplete myself? I’ve been looking my whole life for someone to validate my existence but it’s been disguised as some romantic notion of love.

I guess my point is that you don’t have to do all the standard advice bc it wont mean anything to you. I think what youll have to do is go on your own journey and figure out that you’ll be ok.

There are lots of us here to listen. You’ll see new guys come in a remember when you were at that point. Hell I go back to the beginning feelings over and over but it goes away. Good luck man. You will survive this and find meaning

KingJon85 · 2026-07-14T00:34:36+00:00

I get it. You dont need to do these things for anyone but yourself. Proving to yourself that you can accomplish things that you didn't think were possible will have a dramatic effect on mental health.

I get it though. I am going on 10 months post separation and was cruising along pretty decent recently and the grief hit again. I drempt of my ex the last 3 nights in a row. My mind keeps slipping back to wondering what she's thinking about, and thinking of good times and making love.

Ive been attempting some dating and it hasn't really made me feel much better. I miss being a family man, I dont want to take over some other dudes family.

On the positive, I am in the best shape that ive been in, in probably 15 years. People treat me differently, and women's eyes wander to me in public. Im gaining some confidence back slowly. But its like a 2 steps forward one step back type of deal.

It's still impossible for me to imagine a serious relationship with another woman after nearly 2 decades with my ex. On top of that who knows if ill ever be able to trust anyone again. Just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other.

the_last_0ne · 2026-07-14T00:34:36+00:00

What my therapist and I are working on is healing me. Working out, hobbies, etc arent things you do to impress a girl, they are things you do to make yourself a better person.

Working out will help your mental state as well as your physical body. Hobbies keep you busy and distract you, and maybe you can find something you absolutely love to do. Hope is not going to come overnight, it will come with time and with work. Thats why people talk about healing, because as long as you keep looking back and longing for what you no longer have, thinking nothing will ever be that good again, what hope could you possibly have?

Im in a similar boat, 43 and married for 15 years. The best thing I can tell you is start making some consults with therapists, pick one you like, and talk to them about all this stuff. It will feel awkward at first but you'll open up as you get to know them better. Ask them to give you homework (like, when Im really down, she will tell me something like "do your laundry. Then you can lay in bed and watch movies the rest of the day").

Meeting, or trying to meet, another woman is not going to work right now, obviously. You need to get yourself to a place where you dont feel like you need a second person to be a normal human being.

Find a therapist and take baby steps, it will slowly get easier, I promise. Maybe find a psychiatrist also and tell them how you feel, no shame in medication, I am taking like 8 things right now for depression, anxiety, mood stabilization, alcohol use, and sleeping. It helps tremendously.

Think of it this way: youre only 40! Youve got a lot of good years ahead of you, and now youre more mature and have more money than in your 20s. Think about how long 10 years is, and how much you could do in that time. Think about what you want your new life to look like (those are my therapists' exact words: I have no fucking clue right now, but Im starting to try and think about it).

Motor-Hat-3061 · 2026-07-14T00:18:30+00:00

"Healing" is scraping together enough motivation to build a sandwich, so you can keep living for the next day, to see what life in this society has in store for you next.

Title	What is "healing" when you've lost all hope?
Author	Baxter-Inc
Upvotes	21
Comments	18
Date	July 14, 2026 12:15 AM UTC (1 week ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1uvsyix/what_is_healing_when_youve_lost_all_hope/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-is-healing-when-youve-lost-all-hope.1584984 https://theredarchive.com/post/1584984

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