When to you know??

Early_Brick_1522 · 2026-01-03T20:42:36+00:00

I genuinely realized it was over and our final argument. I realized that she wasn't even listening anymore. Not that she really listened to that often. I realized that anytime I pointed a finger to explain how I was hurting she'd point multiple fingers back at me to defend herself rather than listen.

I think that's what I knew I was done I just wasn't sure how I was going to do it. When she handed me the divorce paperwork it was a relief rather than painful. It was like finally pulling the trigger on something that should have died a while ago.

Speaking with my therapist what it boiled down to for me was when I think about a future with her how do I feel? For me I just felt anxious as if it was a duty rather than something I wanted to do. I didn't want to be with her anymore I realized I was with her by habit and comfortable misery rather than actual desire.

I just went to therapy by myself to get my head together and when she finally gave you the divorce papers I was able to navigate it and I've been thriving ever since. She and I get along a lot better now that we're not together. I don't recommend divorce for everybody or even many because oftentimes you can work through it but for me and my situation this was the best possible outcome.

fiddsy · 2026-01-02T02:55:46+00:00

2 years of marriage counselling only to have her doing minimal work because she found it all overwhelming.

We just got more and more disconnected until I realised that some things cant be fixed unless both are equally invested in fixing it.

Sad way to end 16 years, especially with no cheating/infidelity and all in all very stable but zero affection - no emotional, physical and sexual intimacy.. just 2 people coexisting and raising kids.

But thats no a relationship - thats a business partnership.

Clarity will come in 1 form or another and while part of myself kicks myself that I didnt make the call many years ago - then other part of me knows I really did everything I could and can walk away without wondering 'what if'.

Hopefully that clarity hits you sooner rather than later.

Plastic_Canary_6637 · 2026-01-02T02:33:32+00:00

Depends on a bunch of factors, do you have kids? What type of problems do you 2 have? What’s your financial situation? If you are 50/50 financially then delaying won’t cost you much but if you’re paying the majority of the bills each day will cost you if you end up divorcing. If you have kids then it’s worth trying fix if there aren’t any giant red flags (cheating, abuse etc). Unfortunately need more specifics to give you any real advice

probebeta · 2026-01-01T23:58:16+00:00

When you discover she's been talking to law firms 😅

One_Mathematician864 · 2026-01-01T20:10:41+00:00

Once another man has touched her it's over.

She's his now.

Before that, she can always change her mind, though I wouldn't hold onto any hope.

thraxx171 · 2026-01-01T17:49:02+00:00

Don't hold on to nothing that's unreciprocated. It sucks, but it's time to let it go, there's nothing manly left in it. Realise it's your rebirth now, you can sink or swim. It's easier to sink, but I recommend you try to swim. It's not you, it's life, it's love, nothing last forever, and nothing ever will. You got this, one day at a time.

fuzzydogdada · 2026-01-01T16:58:11+00:00

Sorry you are going through this. I was in your spot for years. I dont know that anyone here can answer your question though. Everyone's situations are so different.

Here is what I can offer though:

Some guys here were able to transition to singlehood very quickly and they seem to love it. But most here are stuggling with the separation, either emotionally or financially or both.

If you are like me, and the core of your indentity is about family, teamwork and partnership, being divorced is emotionally draining and painful. You essentially lose your emotional foundation in the process and are forced to rebuild. It is hard.

In spite of it all, I dont regret the decision to break off the marriage. We were dead for a long time. Even though it is lonely and painful now, it was just as painful when we were together without any possibility of improving.

I would stick with therapy for a while longer and exhaust that option. Some couples DO end up fixing their marriage. There is work for you as well in that process. I would avoid "keeping score" and just learn to appreciate how she shows love. People call that "love language." Maybe there is room in your heart to just understand her better and appreciate how she shows love, even if its not what you expected.

Many of us here have gone through what you are going through. I for one refuse to allow this painful experience to shape me. I strive to come out of this with more love and more understanding.

Good luck to both of us.

HereInThe818 · 2026-01-01T16:23:12+00:00

I wrote out a list of things that are important to me and plan to discuss with her today.

Her reaction to them will tell me everything I need to know to make a decision.

HereInThe818 · 2026-01-01T14:20:22+00:00

I’m asking the same question. 25 yrs married, newly empty nesters, no EQ type of issues (cheating or lying) yet she feels compelled to constantly be quick to criticize or correct me all the time while making me feel like I am dead last on her priority list.

She is in perimenopause and I’m trying hard to maintain patience and understanding but she is pushing me away.

Our latest blow up is over her outrageous reaction to her car door barely touching an adjacent cars mirror in our driveway when I was getting out of the car. No damage to either but she instantly went off deep end. Even if I did accidentally damage either or both cars I would be the one paying for it, not her as she was stay at home mom and doesn’t work.

I’m not going to take another year of this and am trying to come up with a plan on how to fish or cut bait so to speak.

Competitive-Show-955 · 2026-01-01T13:48:22+00:00

When I finally got to the point of saying enough and got a lawyer, he asked me for notes on her behavior. As it happened, I had been taking notes for years, on and off. I transcribed them from the notes app in my phone and after compiling and sending the 18 page document I felt ashamed. Ashamed tbis had been going on for so long, ashamed I had allowed myself to be treated like that, ashamed I had allowed my children to see it and think it's normal.

There's no perfect answer to your question. I see marriages lasting all around me, people who went through hard times and came out ok. I also look at myself.

Im sorry there isn't a great answer. We feel your pain.

Title	When to you know??
Author	HubbyBumps
Upvotes	7
Comments	14
Date	January 1, 2026 1:37 PM UTC (7 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1q14dhf/when_to_you_know/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/when-to-you-know.1570158 https://theredarchive.com/post/1570158

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